10.01.2008

The Player

This movie is seriously great. Please do not use this condensed version as a substitute for the real thing. Also, A MILLION people are in it. It's great.
~~~~~~~~~~
[it is HOLLYWOOD in the NINETIES]
Random Hollywood Person: And so there's this really long tracking shot that introduces all the characters...
[there is a REALLY LONG TRACKING SHOT that introduces ALL THE CHARACTERS, as well as REAL MOVIE STARS, so you never REALLY know who is playing THEMSELVES and who ISN'T]
Tim Robbins: What is the deal with these threatening postcards I am getting? They must be from this writer I rejected several months ago.
[he SPIES on the dude's GIRLFRIEND while he TALKS to her on an EARLY TIMES CELL PHONE]
Tim Robbins: Hey. Sorry I rejected your pitch.
Vincent D'Onofrio: Yeah, right, buddy.
[they get in a SCUFFLE and D'Onofrio ends up DEAD in a PUDDLE]
Fred Ward: So...did you kill a writer?
Tim Robbins: Uh...no.
[the POSTCARDS keep COMING]
Tim Robbins: Shit. Wrong guy. Oh well. I'll just start dating the girlfriend of the writer I DID kill.
Whoopi Goldberg: I am investigating this murder. Lyle Lovett, my colleague and I will be watching you, buster.
[they have a SUPER-WEIRD conversation about TAMPONS in the POLICE STATION]
Jury: You are acquitted, Tim Robbins.
Peter Gallagher: I am taking over your job, Tim Robbins! My eyebrows and I can do it better than you!
Tim Robbins: I know! I'll pitch him this terrible-sounding movie and then when it fails, he will be stuck with it!
Writer of Terrible-Sounding Movie: I want no stars, and no Hollywood ending!
[the movie gets MADE and has Julia ROBERTS and Bruce WILLIS and is TOTALLY HOLLYWOOD]
Julia Roberts: What took you so long?*
Bruce Willis: Traffic was a bitch.*
Mysterious Voice on Phone: I have a movie idea for you. This Hollywood producer gets threatening postcards, and then kills the guy he thinks is writing them, but it's not the right guy, and then he ends up marrying the dead guy's girlfriend.
Tim Robbins: I like it. What's the title?*
Mysterious Voice on Phone: The Player.*
Dead Guy's Girlfriend: What took you so long?*
Tim Robbins: Trafficewas a bitch.*
Altman: MORE META!!! MORRRRRRE!!! METAAAAAAAA!!!

4 comments:

John A said...

Sweeeet.

Back in high school, this was one of our main "filter" movies, as in "if you don't get this movie, you probably shouldn't hang out with us."

Need to rent it again. Buck Henry pitching The Graduate 2 is excellent.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I know we already talked about this movie, but now that I've read the UCMR, I realize that I'd split up my recollection of this movie into like five different movies. Now I know that dead dreamboat Vd'O, awkward tampon convo, mud bath from weirdville, and funeral scene were ALL IN THE SAME EFFED UP MOVIE.

Sweet!

Wait, the mud bath happened, right?

Movie Maven said...

Yes, there is TOTALLY a mud bath. From Weirdville.

michael d said...

When I was in high school I worked at this awesome indie bookstore in Providence where I was paid minimum wage and got only two perks: 20% off on books and free tickets to the movie theater two doors down that was owned by the same guy. The Player was one of the many awesome movies I got to see there for free.