The First Wives' Club

[it is 1969]
[25 years LATER]
Stockard Channing: My husband left me for a younger woman, and I don't have any friends anymore! Peace out, world.
[she JUMPS off her BUILDING, which is TALL because she is RICH]
Bette Midler: My husband left me for a younger woman because I'm fat!
Goldie Hawn: My husband left me for a younger woman even though I'm not fat!
Diane Keaton: My husband still loves me! Oh, wait, no, he's in love with my therapist.
[they BITCH for a while, then decide to get REVENGE]
Bette Midler: Take that, Dan Hedaya and Sarah Jessica Parker!
Goldie Hawn: Take that, Victor Garber and Elizabeth Berkeley!
Diane Keaton: Take that, Dad From Seventh Heaven and...Marcia Gay Harden? What the fuck are you doing in this movie?
[they get SOME revenge and then have a FIGHT so that the movie is not as BORING, but then they are FRIENDS again]
All Three: We are opening a women's center to honor our dead friend.
[they sing YOU DON'T OWN ME, because YOU DON'T]


Mark said...

After reading this review I became curious - do you have an area where your loyal movie review readers could submit movie review requests? I have a few flicks I think you would write amaaaaazing reviews on. Just a thought! :)

Movie Maven said...

@Mark: I read every comment, so if you leave it here, I'll see it! You can also email me (moviemavengirl@gmail.com) if you're embarrassed to be requesting a condensed version of, like, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. And thanks for the vote of confidence!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

This is great! I've been looking for an excuse to not watch this film for years, and now I have one! Great summary!

Lauren Oostveen said...

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE THE BEST BLOG EV-AR? Thank-you for commenting on my blog, because it has led me to THIS... a treasure trove of HILARIOUS. I am going to read my little heart out now, k thx. First Wives Club is the shizzle!

West Coast Midwestern said...

I second the above post that you have the best blog ever. For some reason, due to a massive brain fart, I forgot about your blog, until Laurie alluded to it on her blog, and then I was enamored by your blog all over again. Thank you, Movie Maven, for being the best Ultra Movie Condenser of All Times. If we still did yearbook awards you would get that one. I would know, I was the Yearbook Nerd of the Century (i.e. Editor of the Yearbook in high school).

Movie Maven said...

Ha! It's like finding a $20 bill in your pocket! Except you can't buy anything with my blog. And I don't usually laugh out loud at Andrew Jackson. I'm glad you remembered it!!

I was, however, also the Yearbook Editor in high school (where I was voted Broadway-Bound or something like that).