[it is NEW YORK in the EIGHTIES]
Every Casting Director Ever: Dustin Hoffmann, you are too old/young/short/tall/etc. for this production. We will not hire you. Also, you are kind of a diva.
Dustin Hoffman: BUT I'M AMAZING!!!
Sydney Pollack: No, for real...people do not want to hire you.
Dustin Hoffman: Well, clearly the only solution is to dress in drag and get the part that my friend auditioned for and didn't get. But I can't tell her that that's what I did, because she would be sad. Instead, I'll sleep with her, and complicate things EVEN MORE.
Geena Davis: I'm naked and hot! And your dressing-roommate!
Jessica Lange: It's so nice to have a strong woman around. Let's be BFFs.
Dustin Hoffman: I love her, but she's my friend, and she thinks I'm a woman, and her dad is in love with me.
Bill Murray: I think we're getting into a weird area here.*
Teri Garr: AAAAAAA I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE IGNORING ME PAY ATTENTION TO ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Dabney Coleman: We're going to have to do today's show live instead of on tape!
Dustin Hoffman: It's my chance! I'll reveal my man self on television!
[he DOES, and everyone FUCKING FREAKS]
Jessica Lange: I hate you, but really I love you.
[they walk HAPPILY off to the STRAINS of THAT ONE SONG that they wrote for the MOVIE that sounds like it MIGHT be Dan FOGELBERG but ISN'T]