10.30.2008

Lifetime Movies Week: Dying to Belong


[it is AMERICA]
Hilary Swank: Mom, I'm going off to college now. I'm not your little girl anymore. But I am really excited to pledge the sorority you were in...I guess.
Her Mom: You must pledge my sorority, to please me.
Hilary Swank: Oh, you must be my new roommate. Even though you seem extremely polite, you have blue hair, and thus: I reject you as Different.
Six from Blossom: Hi. I am the same as you.
Hilary Swank: That is better than different. Let's be roommates.
[they KICK OUT the BLUE-HAIRED roommate SOMEHOW]
Six from Blossom: Hey! Is this a sorority pin? I want to be in a sorority really bad.
Hilary Swank: Meh. My mom wants me to, but I mostly want to write for the paper.
[she STRONGARMS her way into a POSITION at the PAPER]
Zack Morris: Wow. You won an Oscar. Wait, two Oscars. What are you doing working here, with many television stars? Also, you're pretty.
Hilary Swank: Well, it seems that our career trajectories have crossed paths - yours is on its way down, and mine on its way up. You should talk to my husband, Chad Lowe. His career sucks. Let's go on a date, since I need a romantic interest.
Six from Blossom: But we need to go to rush week! I NEED VALIDATION!!
[they visit some SORORITIES and they are all BORING]
Elliot from Scrubs: Oh. You must be the legacy. And your lame friend. I guess we will let you both in.
[they do a RITUAL that involves BLOOD and ROSES so you know it's FUCKING DEEP]
Elliot from Scrubs: Okay, pledges, it's Hell Week. That means we get to fuck with you with no retribution. Also, we will force you to parade around in your underwear while we belittle your bodies and draw on you with markers.
Six from Blossom: I am humiliated, but I want to belong!! I am DYING TO BELONG!!!
[they SCRUB a FLOOR with TOOTHBRUSHES because this sorority is NOT CREATIVE]
Elliot from Scrubs: Hang this sign from the clock tower, worm!!
Six from Blossom: But I'm afraid of heights!
[she FALLS to her DEATH]
Hilary Swank: Something sketchy is going on here.
Elliot from Scrubs: No, nothing sketchy is going on here.
[all the SISTERS look GUILTY]
Zack Morris: This reminds me of last year, when something sketchy happened during Hell Week. Let's investigate it, with our journalistic powers.
[they FIND OUT THINGS]
Hilary Swank: Now I have uncovered the truth about hazing!
Elliot from Scrubs: Whyyyyy???
Zack Morris: I liked it when we investigated. Let's kiss.
[they DO]

6 comments:

Gretchen said...

Don't judge, but I kinda want to see this now. That's mostly because of my inexplicable girl crush on Sarah Chalke.

Girl Genius said...

I have an inexplicable crush on Zack Morris -- I mean, um. . . Mark-Paul Gosselar. So -- I want to see it too - though I don't like Hillary Swank.

Movie Maven said...

@gretchen: it's not that inexplicable. she's kind of adorable. except in this movie, where she's mean. slash adorable.

@genius: he is ultra hot in this flick, too, with a dark semi-pompadour thing happening. HOTTTT

Emily Sue said...

This is going on my Netflix queue IMMEDIATELY.

Lauren Oostveen said...

Six from Blossom? NO WAY! I might just have to watch this...

West Coast Midwestern said...

OMG I have actually seen this. It was a very long time ago though. I obviously liked your version way better.