10.29.2008

Lifetime Movies Week: Are You Lonesome Tonight


[it is SOME CITY]
Jane Seymour: Why won't my husband look at me? I'm so hot! And my hair is so very long!
[she OVERHEARS him having PHONE SEX with someone with a SEXY VOICE]
Jane Seymour: I will make him a fine meal to attract him back to me!! Let me get some meat out of our luxurious walk-in freezer.
[he is a NO-SHOW for DINNER]
Jane Seymour: Honey? Are you in here?
[she HEARS a TAPED conversation between HIM and the SEXY VOICE in which some BAD THING has BEFALLEN him]
Jane Seymour: Police! I need your help! My husband has been missing for 4 hours! And I heard this phone sex tape of him getting killed or something!
Police: Ha! Go away! You are crazy!
Parker Stevenson: I overheard you saying that your husband is missing, and I think this thing is bigger than both of us realize. Please let me help you. I am a private investigator.
Jane Seymour: No! I don't trust you!
[she FINDS the SEXY VOICE, which belongs to a HOOKER]
The Aunt From Sabrina the Teenage Witch, the One That is Not Caroline Rhea: I don't know your husband. Wait, yes I do. Can you trust me? I don't know. I am too sexy.
[they INVESTIGATE for a while]
Sabrina's Aunt: You cannot trust that private investigator.
Parker Stevenson: You cannot trust that hooker.
Jane Seymour: I don't know who to trust!!!
[she SLEEPS with the PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR]
Parker Stevenson: You can trust me! See?
Jane Seymour: I still don't know!! What about my husband?! AAAA!!
Sabrina's Aunt: Let's go to your house and then go talk to the police.
Parker Stevenson: Don't trust her! She killed your husband, which I just figured out by bugging her phone!
Sabrina's Aunt: Yes. I am crazy. And I now have a cleaver.
Jane Seymour: I will escape from you! By hiding in my bathroom!
[she RUNS AWAY for like FIFTEEN MINUTES because she keeps having OBSTACLES]
Jane Seymour: I can't seem to open the front door of my own house, though this has literally never happened in real life! I know - I'll hide in our walk-in freezer.
[she DISCOVERS the BODY of her HUSBAND and it is TERRIFYING]
Sabrina's Aunt: AAAAA I WILL KILL YOU!!
Parker Stevenson: No way, bitch.
[he KILLS her and everything is COOL]

5 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

omg this sounds terrifyingggggg

also i'd forgotten about that aunt // that show in general, but now i can picture her and her voice EXACTLY.

Laura said...

Please please tell me that "The Babysitter's Seduction" starring Kerri Russell and the dad from 7th Heaven is forthcoming.

duality99 said...

OBSTACLES always makes me think of the topiary maze at the end of The Shining where the wife is so useless.

Movie Maven said...

sadly, laura, lifetime chose not to run that one during my convalescence. Next time. Oh, there'll be a next time.

Girl Genius said...

"No way, bitch." -- great line -- they should have used it in the movie for reals!