10.28.2008

Lifetime Movies Week: Say Nothing


...as opposed to "say anything," which is actually good.
~~~~~~~~~
[it is AMERICA]
Nastassja Kinski: My husband is unemployed and listless. I feel very vulnerable right now.
Her Husband: I'm so useless. I'm just going to lay on the couch.
Her Friend: Here, have these tickets to a spa vacation! In sunny Miami!
Her Husband: I don't want to go. I'm too listless.
Nastassja Kinski: Well, I'll go by myself, then!
Billy Baldwin: Yes, I'm aware that I am a poor man's version of my brother, but what is a made-for-television movie if not a poor man's version of, well, everything? Have dinner with me.
Nastassja Kinski: No. Well, okay.
[they have DINNER and, eventually, SEX, to the strains of that DAAAAAAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVAH** song]
Nastassja Kinski: Oh, the guilt!!
[she goes HOME, but feels TERRIBLE]
Her Husband: I got a job! I'm a man again! Oh, look! It's my new boss!
Billy Baldwin: Hello.
[DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVAH plays again]
Nastassja Kinski: Oh. I. I have never met you before. Gah! The guilt!!!
[she CANNOT TELL ANYONE because she is TOO GUILTY]
Billy Baldwin: You know, I hired your husband to get to you.
Nastassja Kinski: You are scary!!
[she DISCOVERS that he is behind BASICALLY EVERYTHING in their NEW, NICE LIFE]
Nastassja Kinski: Billy Baldwin is trying to steal me from you!
Her Husband: Don't be so conceited! I mean, you're hot, but you're not that hot.
Billy Baldwin: Yes...you are.
[he POISONS her CHILD to drive a WEDGE between her HUSBAND and HER, while DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVAH plays]
Nastassja Kinski: I must find evidence!!
[she goes to his HOUSE and finds the PILLS]
Billy Baldwin: YOU WILL BE MINE!!
Her Husband: Not so fast! I have recently figured out that you are evil, even though my wife has been telling me so all along! And now I will take you down!
[they get into a CAR CHASE]
Nastassja Kinski: You know what to do, right?*
Her Husband: Yes.*
[they LEAP from their CAR and allow it to PLUMMET off the SIDE of a CLIFF, proving that SOME COUPLES really are PSYCHIC]
Billy Baldwin: Nooooooooo!! Oh wait, you're still here.
[they get into a HUGE FIGHT but he ends up DEAD]
Nastassja Kinski: The moral of the story: never treat yourself to a spa vacation, especially when you are as hot as I am.
**I wrote this like I didn't know who sang this song, but sadly - this is not the case. I know. Oh, I know. It is my secret shame.

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I feel like I have seen this exact movie in approximately eighteen different minor variations.

Movie Maven said...

Yet somehow, they all feature Billy Baldwin.

duality99 said...

Sadly, it only took 0.83 seconds for me to recall the name Sophie B Hawkins. We share our secret shame.

Kayleigh said...

Lifetime Original Movie recaps??? Wow, this is hysterical! Lifetime Movies literally got me through my senior year of college. Super awesome stuff going on here!