10.06.2008

Rumor Has It


[it is PASADENA]
Jennifer Aniston: So a while ago some dude wrote this book called The Graduate, and then it got made into a movie, and then everybody wondered if it was based on a real family. Just, you know, FYI. So now I'm going to my sister's wedding.
[she and Mark Ruffalo ATTEMPT to join the MILE-HIGH club with LIMITED SUCCESS]
The Dad from Six Feet Under: Hi sweetie! I love tennis so much I'm wearing tennis whites to pick you up at the airport!Mena Suvari: I love tennis too!
Jennifer Aniston: My family all loves tennis, and I don't. I wonder if I was fathered by someone else...
Shirley MacLaine: Well, your mother did run off to Mexico a week before her wedding to your father. So it's always an option. Now, let's get drunk.
[she goes to see Kathy Bates, her mother's WACKY FRIEND]
Kathy Bates: Here's our yearbook. Look, there's a guy your mom dated in high school and ran off to Mexico with. And there's his friend, the one who wrote...OH MY GOD.
Jennifer Aniston: Great. Not only is my father not my father, but my father also slept with my grandmother.
Mark Ruffalo: I am the most supportive fiance ever, even though you won't tell your family we're engaged, so please...go. Find your father.
[she TRACKS DOWN her POSSIBLE FATHER]
Kevin Costner: Well, hel-LO there, pretty lady!
Jennifer Aniston: I MIGHT BE YOUR DAUGHTER PLEASE STOP HITTING ON ME.
Kevin Costner: Oh, that's easy to solve: I can't have children, so I can't be your father. I had a blunt testicular trauma.
Jennifer Aniston: With that out of the way, let's bone.
[they DO]
Kevin Costner: Three generations boned! Yeah!
[they go to a BALL, like an ACTUAL BALL]
Random Dude: Hi, I'm Kevin Costner's son.
Jennifer Aniston: OMG I JUST SLEPT WITH MY FATHER POSSIBLY INCEST IS TRAUMATIC.
Kevin Costner: No worries, babe...we got a sperm donor. For real, I am sterile.
Jennifer Aniston: In that case, let's make out in front of my fiance.
Mark Ruffalo: WHYYYYYY?!?!
[there is a SUBPLOT involving the SISTER to make the movie LONGER]
Kevin Costner: I'm here to tell you I love you! Or something.
Shirley MacLaine: Well, well, well, you've slept with me, my daughter and my granddaughter. Happy?
The Dad from Six Feet Under: Hey! I'm the one who gave you the blunt testicular trauma! Also, I know the exact date when you were conceived, Jennifer Aniston, so I know I'm your dad.
We don't need fancy DNA tests, a topic which was never, ever mentioned in this film.
Mark Ruffalo: You are crazy, but I will marry you.
Jennifer Aniston: Oh, possible incest! You so crazy!