[it is CHICAGO]
Clive Owen: My suburban life is so boring. I have a really hot wife, and a smart kid, and a sweet bull terrier, but I'm just so - blah.
His Daughter: Dad! Help me with my book report! And my expository insulin, so everyone knows I'm diabetic!
[he gets on the TRAIN, but his WIFE took all his CASH, so he can't PAY for his TICKET]
Jennifer Aniston: Yes, I know that the whole train is staring at my legs, but I'll pay for your ticket.
Clive Owen: I will pay you back tomorrow. But I will never smile.
One of the Wu-Tang Clan: Yo! My man! I work in the mailroom and we talk about sports! I used to be in a gang or something!
Clive Owen: You are a good man, though you have braids in your hair.
[the NEXT day]
Clive Owen: Here's your money. I have a daughter with diabetes.
Jennifer Aniston: I also have a daughter. Now we have bonded over the fact that we both have daughters.
Clive Owen: Perhaps we should have sex, based on this bonding experience.
[they get in a CAB to get a ROOM]
Jennifer Aniston: No! I can't!
[she gets OUT of the CAB]
Cliver Owen: Look, a seedy hotel.
Jennifer Aniston: My mind is changed by your pointing at that hotel.
[they get a ROOM and start to BONE and a dude BUSTS in the DOOR and holds them at GUNPOINT and RAPES her and CLOCKS him]
Bad Guy from Ocean's Twelve: Mais oui! I have beat you up and now you are beholden to me!!
Jennifer Aniston: My husband will kill me if he finds out we had an affair! He'll keep my daughter from me!
Clive Owen: Fine. No police.
Bad Guy from OT: Give me $20,000!
Clive Owen: Okay.
Bad Guy from OT: Okay, now give me $100,000!!
Clive Owen: But that's the money my wife and I saved for a new experimental treatment for my daughter's diabetes!
Wu-Tang Dude: Look, I'ma scare this muthafucka for you, aight? I was in JAIL. I KNOW SHIT. Here's a shank I made in prison. You can have it. For luck.
[they go to the DOCKS or something and the Wu-Tang Dude ends up SHOT in the HEAD and it is SAD because he was NICE]
Clive Owen: Shiiiiiiiiiiit.
Bad Guy from OT: Where's my money? I have your girl here. Come to this condo and give me my money.
[he GOES to the CONDO and gives him the MONEY in a BRIEFCASE and it is TRAGIC because the MONEY is for his KID]
Detective: Somebody killed my friend, the Wu-Tang Dude.
Clive Owen: NOT ME!!!! I mean...not me. This guilt is too much. I'm going to confess. But I better check in with Jennifer Aniston first.
Receptionist: Sure, she's right there. [she points to a BLACK LADY]
Clive Owen: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
[he goes to the CONDO and it is VACANT and the picture of the DAUGHTER that Jennifer Aniston SHOWED him is on the FRONT of the RENTAL CATALOG]
Clive Owen: She used my parenthood to bamboozle me! This means war.
[he SEES he with the BAD GUY and they are MAKING OUT and it was ALL a SET-UP]
Clive Owen: Time for revenge.
[he CLOCKS the BAD GUY and then INTERRUPTS the CON and basically EVERYONE but
HIM ends up SHOT]
Clive Owen: I believe that's my briefcase.
[he gets his MONEY and you're like YEAH]
His Boss: You embezzled $10,000!
Clive Owen: I was going to pay it back!
[he gets COMMUNITY SERVICE, which means TEACHING in a PRISON]
Clive Owen: I'll just read this homework while you convicts...what's this? This story in this blue book is just like my story. Perhaps the bad dude is in this prison.
The Story: ...and when he finished reading, he went to the laundry room.
[he goes to the LAUNDRY ROOM]
Bad Guy from OT: Bonjour. I am still alive. You ended up at the wrong prison, mon ami.
Clive Owen: I chose this prison.*
[he STABS him with the SHIV and it is VERY SATISFYING]
Clive Owen: Honey? I'm home. And everything's cool.


Girl Genius said...

I HATED this movie; but LOVE your rendition of it. Thank you for taking a sucky movie and making it tolerable in my memory.

Emily Sue said...

This was pretty much the worst thing ever, but the unecessary twist ending where he stabs the bad guy with the shiv was awesome.