The Women (2008)
Listen. I had NO intention AT ALL of seeing this sure-to-be-shitty film, but when my friends Rachel and Jackie said they were going, I knew they were the only people with whom I could see it. Rachel was in a production of the stage play upon which it was based, and they both like to talk a lot of shit re: acting and whatnot. Perfect situation. Also notable: there were literally no men in this movie. Not even as extras. Anyway, I hope this version saves you from the fate worse than death that is THE WOMEN.
[it is NEW YORK]
Annette Bening: I'm a power bitch, but somehow I wear really bad clothes. I better get a manicure at Saks now.
Debi Mazar: Though I am basically just a plot device, I might be the funniest person in this movie. Your friend's husband is cheating on her with a girl I know.
Annette Bening: A moral crisis! As a career woman, I have never before encountered one of these.
Meg Ryan: Please come to my luncheon.
Annette Bening: I'm sorry, your botched lip work is making you hard to understand.
Meg Ryan: I SAID: Don't be late for my Important Luncheon.
[she goes to PICK UP Debra Messing, presumably on the UPPER WEST SIDE because that's where people who are RICH but still think of themselves as BOHEMIAN live]
Debra Messing: Hi! I have kids! Lots! They're named after months! I'm wacky!
[they go to CONNECTICUT, where people who are RICH and DEFINITELY NOT BOHEMIAN live]
Jada Pinkett Smith: Heee-eeeeey! I'm a LESBIAN. Two minorities for the price of one!
Meg Ryan: I can't believe you're black! I mean...I can't believe you're here!
[they LUNCH for some CAUSE or other]
Annette Bening: Don't go to Saks for a manicure!
Meg Ryan: I'm sorry, your facelift is making you difficult to understand. I'm going to Saks for a manicure.
[she FINDS OUT about her HUSBAND from the TALKATIVE MANICURE GIRL]
Candice Bergen: I understand, sweetie. Let's go to the country and make your husband miss you.
Meg Ryan: What is this, some kind of 1930s movie?*
[they GO, but not before she sees her FRIENDS and discovers that they ALSO KNOW]
Annette Bening: We're going to take care of this!
Jada Pinkett Smith: Hell yeah!
[they STORM to the STORE where the MISTRESS works and see that she is INSANELY HOT]
Meg Ryan: Let's have some generational interplay in Maine.
[they DO, and we see that her daughter HATES her]
Meg Ryan: I'm going to buy some fancy lingerie. That'll get my man back. He won't even notice my huge weave!
Eva Mendes: Hola. You cannot compete with this ass. LOOK AT IT! IT IS MUY CALIENTE!!
Meg Ryan: She's right! I can't compete! We're getting a divorce!
Cloris Leachman: I'm so bewildered! Being your housekeeper is bonkers!!
Meg Ryan: Well, she certainly can't give him a blowjob as well as I can; I could suck nails from a board, and that is a fact.*
[she EATS a stick of BUTTER dipped in COCOA POWDER and SUGAR]
Annette Bening: My job is hard, but it's all I have. Why did I choose career over children? Observe the contrast between me and my best friend!
Carrie Fisher: But I heard you're getting fired. If you give me details on your friend's divorce, I will not print it in the paper.
Annette Bening: I choose my job! I shall betray my friend, which is the Worst Thing You Can Do In A Chick Flick, Worse Than Murder.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Let's go to bar...a LESBIAN BAR!! Bo-kaaaaaaay!! Hollaaaa!
Debra Messing: I'm pregnant! And wacky!
Annette Bening: I BETRAYED YOU! I'M SORRY! I just wanted to keep my job as an inexplicably poorly-dressed fashion magazine editor!
Meg Ryan: This has incensed me enough to make me change my life around! But my daughter still hates me.
[Annette Bening tries to APOLOGIZE, but instead establishes a MOTHERLY RELATIONSHIP with the DAUGHTER, who looks like a BABY WINEHOUSE]
Meg Ryan: I guess I'll go to some sort of rehab or retreat or something.
Bette Midler: I smoke pot, and am in this movie as a wise figure.
[Meg Ryan becomes a SUCCESSFUL DESIGNER somehow and at some point her daughter LOVES her again]
Annette Bening: You have a much better wardrobe than me now! Let's be friends again!
[they sit on a STOOP and LAUGH, which proves their FRIENDSHIP]
Meg Ryan: Now you can come to my Big Fashion Show! And look! My husband came back to me. How convenient.
Debra Messing: I'm in labor, obviously.
[they go to the HOSPITAL and are ALL in the ROOM with her, and WACKITUDE ensues]
Jada Pinkett Smith: I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!
Nurse: It's a boy!
[the baby is LIFTED CEREMONIOUSLY through the AIR and looks DEAD]
Meg Ryan: Ha ha! We are The Women!
[they go eat ICE CREAM or have their PERIODS or something]