9.13.2008

The Women (2008)


Listen. I had NO intention AT ALL of seeing this sure-to-be-shitty film, but when my friends Rachel and Jackie said they were going, I knew they were the only people with whom I could see it. Rachel was in a production of the stage play upon which it was based, and they both like to talk a lot of shit re: acting and whatnot. Perfect situation. Also notable: there were literally no men in this movie. Not even as extras. Anyway, I hope this version saves you from the fate worse than death that is THE WOMEN.
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[it is NEW YORK]
Annette Bening: I'm a power bitch, but somehow I wear really bad clothes. I better get a manicure at Saks now.
Debi Mazar: Though I am basically just a plot device, I might be the funniest person in this movie. Your friend's husband is cheating on her with a girl I know.
Annette Bening: A moral crisis! As a career woman, I have never before encountered one of these.
Meg Ryan: Please come to my luncheon.
Annette Bening: I'm sorry, your botched lip work is making you hard to understand.
Meg Ryan: I SAID: Don't be late for my Important Luncheon.
[she goes to PICK UP Debra Messing, presumably on the UPPER WEST SIDE because that's where people who are RICH but still think of themselves as BOHEMIAN live]
Debra Messing: Hi! I have kids! Lots! They're named after months! I'm wacky!
[they go to CONNECTICUT, where people who are RICH and DEFINITELY NOT BOHEMIAN live]
Jada Pinkett Smith: Heee-eeeeey! I'm a LESBIAN. Two minorities for the price of one!
Meg Ryan: I can't believe you're black! I mean...I can't believe you're here!
[they LUNCH for some CAUSE or other]
Annette Bening: Don't go to Saks for a manicure!
Meg Ryan: I'm sorry, your facelift is making you difficult to understand. I'm going to Saks for a manicure.
[she FINDS OUT about her HUSBAND from the TALKATIVE MANICURE GIRL]
Candice Bergen: I understand, sweetie. Let's go to the country and make your husband miss you.
Meg Ryan: What is this, some kind of 1930s movie?*
[they GO, but not before she sees her FRIENDS and discovers that they ALSO KNOW]
Annette Bening: We're going to take care of this!
Jada Pinkett Smith: Hell yeah!
[they STORM to the STORE where the MISTRESS works and see that she is INSANELY HOT]
Meg Ryan: Let's have some generational interplay in Maine.
[they DO, and we see that her daughter HATES her]
Meg Ryan: I'm going to buy some fancy lingerie. That'll get my man back. He won't even notice my huge weave!
Eva Mendes: Hola. You cannot compete with this ass. LOOK AT IT! IT IS MUY CALIENTE!!
Meg Ryan: She's right! I can't compete! We're getting a divorce!
Cloris Leachman: I'm so bewildered! Being your housekeeper is bonkers!!
Meg Ryan: Well, she certainly can't give him a blowjob as well as I can; I could suck nails from a board, and that is a fact.*
[she EATS a stick of BUTTER dipped in COCOA POWDER and SUGAR]
Annette Bening: My job is hard, but it's all I have. Why did I choose career over children? Observe the contrast between me and my best friend!
Carrie Fisher: But I heard you're getting fired. If you give me details on your friend's divorce, I will not print it in the paper.
Annette Bening: I choose my job! I shall betray my friend, which is the Worst Thing You Can Do In A Chick Flick, Worse Than Murder.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Let's go to bar...a LESBIAN BAR!! Bo-kaaaaaaay!! Hollaaaa!
Debra Messing: I'm pregnant! And wacky!
Annette Bening: I BETRAYED YOU! I'M SORRY! I just wanted to keep my job as an inexplicably poorly-dressed fashion magazine editor!
Meg Ryan: This has incensed me enough to make me change my life around! But my daughter still hates me.
[Annette Bening tries to APOLOGIZE, but instead establishes a MOTHERLY RELATIONSHIP with the DAUGHTER, who looks like a BABY WINEHOUSE]
Meg Ryan: I guess I'll go to some sort of rehab or retreat or something.
Bette Midler: I smoke pot, and am in this movie as a wise figure.
[Meg Ryan becomes a SUCCESSFUL DESIGNER somehow and at some point her daughter LOVES her again]
Annette Bening: You have a much better wardrobe than me now! Let's be friends again!
[they sit on a STOOP and LAUGH, which proves their FRIENDSHIP]
Meg Ryan: Now you can come to my Big Fashion Show! And look! My husband came back to me. How convenient.
Debra Messing: I'm in labor, obviously.
[they go to the HOSPITAL and are ALL in the ROOM with her, and WACKITUDE ensues]
Jada Pinkett Smith: I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies!
Nurse: It's a boy!
[the baby is LIFTED CEREMONIOUSLY through the AIR and looks DEAD]
Meg Ryan: Ha ha! We are The Women!
[they go eat ICE CREAM or have their PERIODS or something]

9 comments:

Steph said...

jesus, carrie fisher AND bette midler are in this movie? how the mighty have fallen.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I kind of wanted to puke by the end of this. It sounds horrific.

Laura said...

I just laughed so hard at the end of this I think I popped out my contact. Dammit, now I want to see this so I too can mock it.

Rachel said...

you've said it all, anna. you've said it all.


ultra condensed of BEVERLY HILLS CHIUAUA... i will buy your ticket.

jeremy said...

i will go halfsies on said ticket

Girl Genius said...

I will go thirdsies on the previously mentioned ticket.

Emily Sue said...

I'm boycotting this movie because Shirley MacLaine isn't in it.

Movie Maven said...

That's fair, but you should be boycotting it because it is a piece of crap.

Emily said...

I keep seeing ads for this damn movie ALL OVER THE INTERNET and it has made me so full of rage that I swore not to read reviews of or see it ever.

But your review here, it is so beautiful and probably true, I could not resist. Thanks for confirming my general feelings about this play/movie.