9.15.2008

Firestarter


[it is the EIGHTIES]
Drew Barrymore: Daddy, why are we running away from those quasi-federal** agents? Do they want to kill us like they killed Mommy?
80s-Hot Dad: Yes, honey. They’re very mean men, who did a mean experiment on me and your mommy.
[flashbackflashbackflashback]
Scientist Guy: So, we’re testing this drug to see if it will give you mind control. Half of you will get a placebo, and half will get the drug.
Heather Locklear: I’m so scared, but my hair is fabulous. Console me, handsome stranger.
80s-Hot Dad: I’m sure we’ll both get the plain water.* Even though, statistically, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
[they both get the DRUG and are able to express their LOVE via MIND READING]
80s-Hot Dad: Let’s get married and have a child. Hopefully, she will not gain any freaky powers from this drug we took.
Drew Barrymore: Look, Daddy! I can toast bread with my mind!!
Heather Locklear: Okay, time for bed!
Drew Barrymore: NO!
[she sets her mother’s OVEN MITTS on FIRE]
80s-Hot Dad: …and that’s why we’re running from the quasi-federal agents. And also why I have Jedi mind control.
[meanwhile, in an OFFICE of the QUASI-FEDERAL AGENCY]
Martin Sheen: We have to get our hands on this little girl! She can start fires with her mind!
George C. Scott: Yes. I agree. And my scraggly gray ponytail also agrees.
[meanwhile, on a FARM]
Farmer: Well, hello there! You look like you might be runnin’ from a quasi-federal agency of some sort. Why don’t you come sit a spell?
Drew Barrymore: You’re nice! I won’t set you on fire!
80s-Hot Dad: …and that’s why we’re running from the quasi-federal agents.
Farmer: Oh. Well. I…don’t think you should stay here. I may have country hospitality, but I wouldn’t want any quasi-federal agents shootin’ up my house.
[the AGENTS show up in LINCOLN TOWN CARS]
Drew Barrymore: You go away!
[she EXPLODES them with her MIND]
80s-Hot Dad: I know! We’ll go to our own cabin, the one with the deed in my name! They’ll never think to look for us there!
George C. Scott: Oh, look. They have a cabin in the woods. They’re probably there.
[he SHOOTS them with TRANQ DARTS and takes them to the AGENCY COMPOUND]
Drew Barrymore: I want to see my daddy! Where is he?! I will set you on fire!
Martin Sheen: Now, now, young lady, we just want to see what this fire-setting business is all about. Now, just coopera—
Drew Barrymore: NO WAY!
George C. Scott: I shall remove my eyepatch and pose as a friendly orderly to win the trust of this child. Then she will allow us to experiment on her. And then…I will dispose of her.
Martin Sheen: What? When?
George C. Scott: When she is at the moment of her greatest happiness, I will strike her across the bridge of the nose, driving bone fragments into her brain.*
Martin Sheen: Dude…that’s fucked up.
[they PROMISE she can see her DAD if she sets some stuff ON FIRE]
Martin Sheen: Yes…YES!!
[meanwhile, in another part of the QUASI-FEDERAL COMPOUND]
80s-Hot Dad: I’m so drugged up that my Jedi mind control is broken! Whyyyyyyy???
[he tries REAL HARD, so hard he gets a NOSEBLEED, and FIXES his JEDI MIND CONTROL]
80s-Hot Dad: Ha HA! Now, Martin Sheen, I will trick you into letting me go.
Martin Sheen: No, these aren’t the droids we’re looking for. I mean, yes, you may go.
[the dad sends a NOTE to his DAUGHTER to meet him at the STABLES]
Drew Barrymore: Trusted, friendly orderly! My dad has a plan to break us out of here!
George C. Scott: Oh, he does, does he?
[they all MEET in the STABLES and it all ends with a HUGE FIRE and basically everyone DEAD except Drew Barrymore]
George C. Scott: Now I will shoot you!
[Drew Barrymore EXPLODES the BULLET in MIDAIR and it is KIND OF AWESOME]
Drew Barrymore: You killed my mommy and daddy! ALL SHALL PAY!!
[she goes on a RAMPAGE and blows up ALL SORTS OF SHIT, including a HELICOPTER]
Drew Barrymore: I’m going to find that nice farmer and his wife. And I’m going to sell my story to the New York Times for big bucks! Suckaaaaaaaas! Oh, wait, I’m an orphan. Weep.
**a note about this phrasing: the info page on our cable described this movie as something like "A father and daughter run from quasi-federal agents." What, exactly, is a quasi-federal agent? Either you're federal, or you're not. Do they get government funding for their mind control experiments? Do they have state-level Scary Mercenary Assassins? Do they fight with local shadowy entities?

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

haha omg this movie sounds horrific. plz tell me that when drew barrymore explodes things that LASERS SHOOT OUT OF HER EYES!!!!!!!!!!1!!

Movie Maven said...

No, but her hair starts blowing around like there is an internal wind that is producing the high heat.

michael d said...

I have a soft spot for movies like this, and I actually really liked Firestarter.

As for the quasi-government bit, I think that's a great description for lots of the folks in the movies. They have powers that exceed those of civilian organizations, but they don't fall within the checks and balances of a proper arm of the government.

Holy crap -- there is actually a word for this.

Girl Genius said...

Once again, your genius at movie summarisation (British spelling - lol) has saved me 1 hour and 25 minutes of my time! Thank you!