9.29.2008

Nights in Rodanthe

I don't want this to become a trend, but...I've gone to another movie with the EXPECTATION of hating it, just so I could write one of these. THANKS, JACKIE.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is NORTH CAROLINA, the version of it where NO ONE HAS AN ACCENT]
Diane Lane: Kids! Your father's coming to pick you up soon so you can spend time with him and oh my god my life is so hectic even though I have no discernible job!!
Egg...I Mean, Ann: I HATE YOU!! That's why I dye my hair black.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I want to come home, baby. I made a mistake.
Diane Lane: Oh my god you are making my life so much more hectic!! AAAAA I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT. Good thing I was planning to go to my best friend's beachfront inn for the weekend.
[she goes to the RAMSHACKLE INN that is literally ON the beach]
Sassy Black Friend: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl. [says a wise, sassy thing]
Diane Lane: You're so right. This weekend will give me time to think over my life.
Sassy Black Friend: BOKAYYYYYY?
Richard Gere: Hi, I'm the only guest, in town for a mysterious reason.
Diane Lane: Oh, excuse me...I was just gazing at the ocean and weeping. Let me get you checked in.
[Richard Gere goes for a RUN where he has a FLASHBACK in which he LOSES a PATIENT on the TABLE because he is a BIG FANCY SURGEON]
Diane Lane: Here's your dinner. You can eat it out here, alone, in the dining room.
Richard Gere: I'd rather eat in the kitchen with you, so that we'll have a chance to share too much information about ourselves with each other.
Diane Lane: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm separated, and my husband wants to come home, and I'm really conflicted.
Richard Gere: I actually just meant you could do that. I'm going to remain mysterious a bit longer.
[she CLEANS his ROOM and sees a LETTER because she is SNOOPING]
Diane Lane: So...I was snooping, and I found this letter from this family in town...they wouldn't have anything to do with your mysterious reason for being here, would they?
Richard Gere: Okay. I will tell you the whole story.
[he DOES, and James Franco is his SON]
Diane Lane: Let me show you something to make the fact that you killed someone better.
[she takes him to the ART ROOM in the inn]
Diane Lane: I made this box. It's where I put things I want to keep safe.*
Richard Gere: Who keeps you safe?* And by asking that, I really mean that I want to keep you safe. And by "keep you safe," I mean "do you."
Diane Lane: Oh. My. Well, I better stock up on food for this hurricane that's coming through.
The Mom from Freaks and Geeks: Where have I been for like 8 years? Now I am playing a jolly small-town general store clerk, who also does not have a North Carolina accent.
Richard Gere: Well, I have to go visit the family of the woman who died on my operating table. They're the only ones who sound like they're from North Carolina.
[he DOES, and the son SPURNS him and YELLS at him because HELLO dude killed his MOM]
Richard Gere: I am feeling down.
Diane Lane: Me too. Let's get trashed on Jack Daniels and throw canned goods in the garbage.
[this ACTUALLY HAPPENS]
Richard Gere: I am going to yell at you now because I cannot yell at the people I am actually angry with!
Diane Lane: I am also going to yell at you while I board up the inn in a half-assed manner, even though we have known about this hurricane for literally days and I probably could have started earlier!
[he SAVES her from an ARMOIRE that TOPPLES in the SHAKING of the HURRICANE]
Diane Lane: Thanks for saving me. As a thank you, you may fuck me.
[there is a CLASSY CROSSFADE as they begin to DO IT]
Sassy Black Friend: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl you betta HIT THAT!!!
Richard Gere: Thanks for the booty. Now we are in love.
Diane Lane: Let's go for a walk on the beach. Maybe we'll see some wild horses, even though they don't come down this way very often.
[they DO NOT see the horses, but they DO go to a CLAMBAKE that looks SUPER FUN]
Richard Gere: Your love has made me realize that I was a jerk to that family.
[he GOES BACK and is NICE]
Richard Gere: Now I have to go to Ecuador to help my son with his clinic in the jungle. I will write you many letters. But first, let's have the classiest, most boring sex scene that ever existed.
[meanwhile, back at HOME]
Diane Lane: I'm sorry, Detective Elliot Stabler. Though you are extremely manly and attractive, I have found a new love...in just three days!!
Egg...I Mean Ann: I HATE YOU EVEN MORE!!!!
Richard Gere [in a letter]: I miss you so much, even though I literally knew you for a weekend. It's so beautiful here, but nothing compares to the peaks and valleys I traced along the map of your body.*
Diane Lane: OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH AAAAAAA!!!
[she PREPARES the SAME MEAL they ate when they DID IT]
James Franco: Hi. I'm his son. And since I'm at your door, he is obviously dead.
Jackie and Me: SPARKS!!! YOU FUCKER!!!!!
James Franco: He died in a mudslide. Could it BE any sadder?
[Diane Lane WEEPS for like a LONG TIME and then gets CATATONIC]
Egg...I Mean, Ann: Mom? Are you okay? I will suddenly step up to the plate and be responsible now since you are in some sort of funk.
Diane Lane: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Egg...I Mean, Ann: Mom, we can use this tragic circumstance to build our relationship.
[they DO, and go to the BEACH, where they see the GODDAMN HORSES because LADIES LOVE THEM SOME HORSES]

8 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Oh.
My.
God.

This is one of my Top 10 Favorite UCMRs. I feel like this movie is totally genius, because every middle-aged woman in the world (also, me) will weep buckets and be like "OH MA GOD LOVE IS SO BEAUTIFUL WAHHHHHHHHHHH"

Girl Genius said...

I am weeping buckets right now -

Russell said...

Moral of the story: the death of a lover can solve any relationship issue.

Yeah, this is definitely one of the best UCMRs. Thanks for enduring the pain that is this movie!

Steph said...

funny, my mind hates this movie, but my ovaries LOVE IT.

Kate said...

Your movie reviews are famous in my household. My roommate and I saw this movie on Friday. When we got home, I said, "Ooh, now that I've seen 'Nights in Rodanthe' I can read Anna's review!" And my roommate said, "She wrote one for this movie? I want to read it after you!" And we proceeded to read your review of "Nights in Rodanthe" and laugh and laugh.

Movie Maven said...

Yes! I'm so glad you prepared for it.

West Coast Midwestern said...

This one made me laugh out loud in a bark-like manner repeatedly. I agree that it is a contender for one of the best reviews ever.

Amanda said...

Hi, a friend of mine pointed me towards this site when I was on extended sick leave from work last year. This was the first UCM review I read, and this site really helped entertain me during a time that was mega rife with boredom. So, thank you.