I don't want this to become a trend, but...I've gone to another movie with the EXPECTATION of hating it, just so I could write one of these. THANKS, JACKIE.
[it is NORTH CAROLINA, the version of it where NO ONE HAS AN ACCENT]
Diane Lane: Kids! Your father's coming to pick you up soon so you can spend time with him and oh my god my life is so hectic even though I have no discernible job!!
Egg...I Mean, Ann: I HATE YOU!! That's why I dye my hair black.
Detective Elliot Stabler: I want to come home, baby. I made a mistake.
Diane Lane: Oh my god you are making my life so much more hectic!! AAAAA I NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT. Good thing I was planning to go to my best friend's beachfront inn for the weekend.
[she goes to the RAMSHACKLE INN that is literally ON the beach]
Sassy Black Friend: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl. [says a wise, sassy thing]
Diane Lane: You're so right. This weekend will give me time to think over my life.
Sassy Black Friend: BOKAYYYYYY?
Richard Gere: Hi, I'm the only guest, in town for a mysterious reason.
Diane Lane: Oh, excuse me...I was just gazing at the ocean and weeping. Let me get you checked in.
[Richard Gere goes for a RUN where he has a FLASHBACK in which he LOSES a PATIENT on the TABLE because he is a BIG FANCY SURGEON]
Diane Lane: Here's your dinner. You can eat it out here, alone, in the dining room.
Richard Gere: I'd rather eat in the kitchen with you, so that we'll have a chance to share too much information about ourselves with each other.
Diane Lane: Oh. Well, in that case, I'm separated, and my husband wants to come home, and I'm really conflicted.
Richard Gere: I actually just meant you could do that. I'm going to remain mysterious a bit longer.
[she CLEANS his ROOM and sees a LETTER because she is SNOOPING]
Diane Lane: So...I was snooping, and I found this letter from this family in town...they wouldn't have anything to do with your mysterious reason for being here, would they?
Richard Gere: Okay. I will tell you the whole story.
[he DOES, and James Franco is his SON]
Diane Lane: Let me show you something to make the fact that you killed someone better.
[she takes him to the ART ROOM in the inn]
Diane Lane: I made this box. It's where I put things I want to keep safe.*
Richard Gere: Who keeps you safe?* And by asking that, I really mean that I want to keep you safe. And by "keep you safe," I mean "do you."
Diane Lane: Oh. My. Well, I better stock up on food for this hurricane that's coming through.
The Mom from Freaks and Geeks: Where have I been for like 8 years? Now I am playing a jolly small-town general store clerk, who also does not have a North Carolina accent.
Richard Gere: Well, I have to go visit the family of the woman who died on my operating table. They're the only ones who sound like they're from North Carolina.
[he DOES, and the son SPURNS him and YELLS at him because HELLO dude killed his MOM]
Richard Gere: I am feeling down.
Diane Lane: Me too. Let's get trashed on Jack Daniels and throw canned goods in the garbage.
[this ACTUALLY HAPPENS]
Richard Gere: I am going to yell at you now because I cannot yell at the people I am actually angry with!
Diane Lane: I am also going to yell at you while I board up the inn in a half-assed manner, even though we have known about this hurricane for literally days and I probably could have started earlier!
[he SAVES her from an ARMOIRE that TOPPLES in the SHAKING of the HURRICANE]
Diane Lane: Thanks for saving me. As a thank you, you may fuck me.
[there is a CLASSY CROSSFADE as they begin to DO IT]
Sassy Black Friend: Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl you betta HIT THAT!!!
Richard Gere: Thanks for the booty. Now we are in love.
Diane Lane: Let's go for a walk on the beach. Maybe we'll see some wild horses, even though they don't come down this way very often.
[they DO NOT see the horses, but they DO go to a CLAMBAKE that looks SUPER FUN]
Richard Gere: Your love has made me realize that I was a jerk to that family.
[he GOES BACK and is NICE]
Richard Gere: Now I have to go to Ecuador to help my son with his clinic in the jungle. I will write you many letters. But first, let's have the classiest, most boring sex scene that ever existed.
[meanwhile, back at HOME]
Diane Lane: I'm sorry, Detective Elliot Stabler. Though you are extremely manly and attractive, I have found a new love...in just three days!!
Egg...I Mean Ann: I HATE YOU EVEN MORE!!!!
Richard Gere [in a letter]: I miss you so much, even though I literally knew you for a weekend. It's so beautiful here, but nothing compares to the peaks and valleys I traced along the map of your body.*
Diane Lane: OMG I MISS HIM SO MUCH AAAAAAA!!!
[she PREPARES the SAME MEAL they ate when they DID IT]
James Franco: Hi. I'm his son. And since I'm at your door, he is obviously dead.
Jackie and Me: SPARKS!!! YOU FUCKER!!!!!
James Franco: He died in a mudslide. Could it BE any sadder?
[Diane Lane WEEPS for like a LONG TIME and then gets CATATONIC]
Egg...I Mean, Ann: Mom? Are you okay? I will suddenly step up to the plate and be responsible now since you are in some sort of funk.
Diane Lane: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Egg...I Mean, Ann: Mom, we can use this tragic circumstance to build our relationship.
[they DO, and go to the BEACH, where they see the GODDAMN HORSES because LADIES LOVE THEM SOME HORSES]