9.22.2008

Rocky


[it is PHILLY in the 70s]
Amazingly Huge Letters: ROCKY
Sylvester Stallone: I may be a bum, but I got some fight in me. I'll fight dudes for $40. That's how bad I wanna be a fighter. But I got no connections. I'm just gonna go home and talk to my turtles.
[he goes to the PET STORE and AWKWARDLY FLIRTS with Adrian, who is SURPRISINGLY NERDY]
Burgess Meredith: You're a terrible boxer! Give up! JUST GIVE UP!!!
Sylvester Stallone: I am relentless, as relentless in the ring as I am in the pet store when I am trying to get Adrian to go out with me.
Paulie: Aw, forget about my sister. She's a loser.
Conveniently Placed News Report: Apollo Creed is going to fight the biggest fight ever!! And now he doesn't have an opponent!
[eventually, Adrian agrees to a DATE and they go to the ICE RINK, where Rocky decides he doesn't need SKATES because he is RELENTLESS]
Sylvester Stallone: My dad told me, 'You weren't born with much of a brain, ya know, so uh, ya better start using your body, right?'*
Adrian: Well, my mother told me I wasn't born with much of a body, so I better develop my brain.*
[they BOND over their PARENTAL INADEQUACY and go back to his place, where they AWKWARDLY HOOK UP]
Burgess Meredith: Just so youse know, Apollo Creed is looking for sparring partners. But you're a bad boxer anyway.
Sylvester Stallone: What? Why?
Burgess Meredith: YOU DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. I TOLD YA, YOU'RE BAD. NO AMOUNT OF RELENTLESSNESS CAN CHANGE THAT.
Sylvester Stallone: We'll see, Penguin.
[he somehow ends up being the OPPONENT for the BIGGEST FIGHT EVER]
Burgess Meredith: Oh...well, can I train you? I have completely reversed my position on you.
Adrian: Also, you can have this dog that is a representation of my love for you that I cannot express due to my reticent nature.
[Rocky TRIES to run up the ICONIC STEPS but is WINDED]
Sylvester Stallone: I better pummel some meat to get in shape.
Paulie: Are you banging my sister? ARE YOU? I HATE YOU GET OUT OF HERE.
[Adrian SHACKS UP with Rocky because her brother is an ASS]
Paulie: Oh, wait, I wanted to profit off you. Let's be friends again.
[Rocky ASCENDS the ICONIC STAIRS but this time he is TRIUMPHANT and APPROPRIATE MUSIC PLAYS]
Sylvester Stallone: Now I know I can win!
[the FIGHT happens and it is EPIC and you think he's gonna DIE but he GETS UP and you're like YOU CAN DO IT ROCKY and then he WINS and it's AWESOME]
Carl Weathers: Ain't gonna be no rematch.*
Sylvester Stallone: Don't want one.*
[there is the HUGEST CROWD EVER]
Sylvester Stallone: Adriaaaaaaaaaaaaan! (repeat as needed)
Adrian: Rocky! I love you!
[they KISS and it is KIND OF GROSS because his face is like FUCKED but it is NICE also]

4 comments:

John A said...

Wait, Rocky doesn't win, does he?

Also, you should do Kingpin next, which is the same movie, with Bowling and Bill Murray. Ok, it's not the same movie, but it's awesome.

Also, awesome.

Movie Maven said...

You're right...they call it a tie or something. I was too distracted by the swarming crowds. He wins in his heart. IN HIS HEART.

Girl Genius said...

I have run up those steps. I did not get winded. He must have been a weakling!

Steph said...

My only issue about this condensing is that Adrian talks too much.