Burn After Reading

CIA Middle Manager: Listen, we’re, uh…we’re demoting you.
CIA Underling: You have a drinking problem.
Malkovich: You’re a MORMON! Compared to you, we ALL have a drinking problem!*
[he STORMS out, his BOW TIE all AFLUTTER]
Tilda Swinton: Honey? Are you home? Are you quite a bit older than me, yet married to me somehow, even though I am mad glamorous and have beautiful red hair?
Malkovich: Yes, I’m here. And I didn’t pick up the cheese.
[they have a PARTY that is filled with SORT OF BORING people]
George Clooney: How suave am I? I am so suave that I can go to a party at my mistress’ house and her husband doesn’t catch on. That’s how suave. Even when I have a beard.
Malkovich: I’m writing my memoirs. And in case you weren’t sure if I was an insufferable snob yet, I am going to pronounce it “mem-wahs.”
[meanwhile, at a PLASTIC SURGEON’S office]
Frances McDormand: I want the whole kit and caboodle. I’m reinventing myself.
[she calls her INSURANCE COMPANY and they tell her it is NOT COVERED, which is a SHOCK because she is a LITTLE STUPID]
Frances McDormand: Well, I guess I’ll go on another terrible internet date.
[meanwhile, at a DIVORCE ATTORNEY’S office]
Divorce Attorney: Get your husband’s financial data. Before you tell him you want a divorce. You want to attack the turtle before it can pull in its head and its, uh, uh…*
Tilda Swinton: Feet?*
Divorce Attorney: Right.
[she makes a DISC of his FINANCIALS that also includes his MEMOIRS, which are PLODDING and CLICHE]
Brad Pitt: How was your date? Also, we found this disc on the floor, full of like CIA shit or spy shit or something. It’s got more spy shit on it than my hair has ridiculous 1992-Luke-Perry volume and Vanilla-Ice-blonde-streaks.
Frances McDormand: We can use this! For something! Someone is gonna want this back! I am hatching a plan! To get money! For surgery!
The Dad From Six Feet Under: I don’t like this plan. But I am in love with you.
Frances McDormand: I cannot see what is right in front of my face. Now, to the blackmail!
[she and Brad Pitt CALL Malkovich in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT and he YELLS at them. A LOT]
Frances McDormand: When you go meet him, wear a suit. But also ride your bike for the most hilarious effect.
Malkovich: WHERE IS MY DISC??
Brad Pitt: If I narrow my eyes some more, perhaps you will be more intimidated.
[Malkovich CLOCKS him]
Frances McDormand: That’s it. We’re going to the Russians.
JK Simmons, Head of the CIA: The Russians? Wait…what? The…Russians? That…doesn’t even make sense. We’re not…I mean, the Russians and us…we’re…not enemies. I’m confused.
[meanwhile, on a YACHT]
Malkovich: Kicked out of my own house. That fucking bitch. I'm just going to lounge here in my underwear until I think of a good way to get even with her.
[meanwhile, in the PARK]
George Clooney: I have repeated the cycle of cheating on my woman with Tilda Swinton. Oh, hel-LO there. You must be my internet date
Frances McDormand: Oh my! You’re so suave! I'm so glad that worlds could collide in this manner.
[they BONE]
Frances McDormand: Ok, I gotta go take care of some…stuff.
George Clooney: Wait, let me show you the sex machine I made.
The Russians: Thank you for this disc, but we are sort of confused about why you are giving it to us.
Frances McDormand: Oh, there’s more where that came from! Yeah! We’re gettin’ plastic surgery money, baby!
Brad Pitt: I’ll just break into the guy’s house and steal more information! Easy!
George Clooney: La la la, just hangin’ out, in my mistress’ house, singin’ a song while I get dressed, walkin’ around and lookin’ suave, bee bop doo ba – OH MY GOD!
[he OPENS the closet and Brad Pitt gets SHOT in the FACE and it is AMAZING because like you are SURPRISED]
JK Simmons: Oh God. This is messy. Take care of it, CIA Middle Manager.
Tilda Swinton: This seems like a good time to reveal that I am a pediatrician, even though I clearly hate children/have no compassion/am a huge bitch. LOLZ!
Frances McDormand: I’m real sad because my friend Chad is missing! He left the other day to go to Georgetown and I never saw him again. I will also tell you the exact address of where he went, so as to make it easier for you to realize that he is the guy you just shot in the face.
[RUNS away in TERROR, suavely]
The Dad from Six Feet Under: I’ll show her that I love her by stealing information about this guy they’re investigating!
[he BREAKS IN, only to be SURPRISED by Malkovich, who has ALSO BROKEN IN with a HATCHET, which he then KILLS T.D.F.S.F.U. with]
CIA Middle Manager: Okay, so Pitt’s dead, Clooney’s on his way to Venezuela, Malkovich is in a coma, and McDormand just wants us to pay for her plastic surgery.
JK Simmons: Okay, so…wait, what? We…what? Let’s never do this again. Whatever it is that we did. Just pay for the surgeries. I guess.


Emily said...

I am so confused that I think it has rounded the corner and become arousal. I don't know why. And that makes sense.

Movie Maven said...

That's basically the most appropriate reaction ever.

Emily Sue said...

To be fair, Malkovich is only 7 years older than Swinton in real life. But still...
Also, this movie didn't work for me, but the condensed version did.