Striking Distance

[it is 1991]
Bruce Willis: Dad, I'm so happy we're cops together! It's too bad I testified against my cousin and partner in his police brutality trial and now everyone hates me.
Frasier's Dad: It's okay, son, you did the right thing. Now, let's see if we can't catch this Polish Hill killer everyone's talking about.
[they go on a CAR CHASE, like, IMMEDIATELY, which ends with the dad getting KILLED]
Bruce Willis: Noooooooo!!
Dennis Farina: My nephew, it's okay. Even though you betrayed my son, your cousin, Robert Pastorelli, I still like you.
Tom Sizemore: Me too!
[some RANDOM is ARRESTED for the POLISH HILL murders]
Bruce Willis: This isn't right! I know it was a cop!
Dennis Farina: Dude, everyone already hates you...don't make it worse.
Robert Pastorelli: I'm going to kill myself by jumping off this bridge, since Pittsburgh has a lot of them!
[they TRY to stop him but he JUMPS and goes in the RIVER]
Bruce Willis: What have I doooooooonnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee?????
[two years LATER]
Bruce Willis: Now I am a river rescue cop, because everyone in homicide hates me. And a drunk.
That Redheaded Guy from Thirtysomething: Willis!!!!
[he SHAKES his FIST]
Bruce Willis: I'm going to continue to investigate my father's murder in an obsessive manner, because I play BY MY OWN RULES.
Sarah Jessica Parker: You've got another think coming, since I'm your new, by-the-book partner!!
[they INVESTIGATE some shit and have a BOAT CHASE, after which they find some DEAD BODIES]
Bruce Willis: Hmm. These new bodies look suspiciously like they might be victims of the killer I investigated two years ago. I wonder if it is the same guy. Also, all the victims are my ex-girlfriends. Huh.
Sarah Jessica Parker: I'm sure it's just a coincidence. Now, since we will end up sleeping together eventually, let's just do it now.
[they DO]
Some Captain: Bruce Willis is out of line! Again! Will he ever play a cop who plays by the rules!?!? Get him into an IA hearing.
[they DO, because SJP is an INTERNAL AFFAIRS cop assigned to INVESTIGATE him, but she COVERS for him because they BONED]
Bruce Willis: I just gotta figure out my father's murder!!
Tom Sizemore: I'll help you, since you are my cousin!
Dennis Farina: Maybe you shouldn't. There's an old Italian saying: don't burn your mouth on another man's broth.*
Bruce Willis: Well, there's an old Irish saying: never listen to old Italian sayings.*
[he CONTINUES to investigate]
Robert Pastorelli: Hey! I'm not dead! And I captured your little girlfriend!
Bruce Willis: Why won't you die?!?!?
Dennis Farina: Wait! Don't kill him! Also, he is the killer from two years ago, and I killed your dad to protect my kid.
Bruce Willis: Whaaaaaaaa?
[he KILLS everyone except SJP]

1 comment:

BeckEye said...

Ha ha, I just made my roommate watch this the other night because Bruce and John Mahoney drive by my Dad's house at the beginning. Unfortunately, just as they get to it, they show the car from the front and all you can see are the bushes. But I know the house is there.

By the way, I've been to Polish Hill and it's not that exciting. Or full of murder. Lots of Polish people though. And hills.