8.13.2008

Cloverfield


[it is NEW YORK]
Generic Hot Dude: Ha ha ha!! I love this camera! And you! Wait...we're just friends. Maybe I don't love you. My biggest problem is my relationship with you!
Generic Hot Girl: Hee hee hee! We're so generically hot and happy! I've never been to Coney Island! Maybe that's because we're elitists.
[some time LATER]
Hud: Dude! Rob's going to Japan! Say something for the camera!
Rob's Attractive Friends: Bye Rob!! Have fun in Japan! I heard you did it with your friend!
Generic Hot Dude: Uh...yeah.
Generic Hot Girl: We slept together, but we're fighting now.
[she LEAVES and people KEEP PARTYING]
Hud, the Guy with the Camera: Yo, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!
[a HUGE FUCKING EXPLOSION happens, and a HUGE FUCKING MONSTER is tromping around]
Everyone: WHAT THE FUCK????
[everyone fucking FREAKS OUT, but for some reason Hud KEEPS FILMING in an AMATEURISH WAY]
Someone: Oh my god! The head of the Statue of Liberty just flew through the air! This monster hates freedom! It must be French!!
[they try to go to BROOKLYN, but the BRIDGE collapses and his brother BITES IT]
Generic Hot Dude: We gotta go find my friend-with-benefits that I just had a fight with, even though we are way downtown, and she lives in Midtown, which is way far, especially considering that there's a monster on the loose.
The Brother's Girlfriend: Nooooooo!!! I'm so ethnically ambiguous!!
[they go into an OBVIOUSLY FAKE subway station]
Hud: I guess I'll just keep filming with this handheld camera.
[they go into a TUNNEL and find some BABY MONSTERS with the NIGHT-VISION on their camera and it is WAY SCARY]
Janis Ian from Mean Girls: Ow! My shoulder! The baby monster alien thing bit it!
Hud: I still love you.
Military People: Here is the deadline of when you have to get off the island of Manhattan, to add drama.
Generic Hot Dude: We still need to find my not-girlfriend!!
[they go to COLUMBUS CIRCLE and the buildings are like FUCKED]
Generic Hot Dude: I know! We'll just climb to the top of that one building, and hop on over to her building. Easy!!
[they climb like SIXTY STORIES, which is BASICALLY UNTHINKABLE]
Generic Hot Dude: I found you!! ...now what?
Generic Hot Girl: Perhaps our attractiveness will save us.
[they RUN AROUND for a while and look at the DESTRUCTION]
Janis Ian: Gahhhh!!
Hud: Guhhhhh!!
[they DIE in GROSS WAYS]
Generic Hot Dude: Hi, people watching this. We got eaten by a monster or an alien or something.
[the film CUTS BACK to Coney Island for some MODICUM of CLOSURE]
Generic Hot Girl: Look!!! I'm at Coney Island!! Maybe I'm not a snob!!

2 comments:

Laura said...

you are hilarious...& so you get an award : )
check my blog for details.

JB said...

This is completely off topic, but I'm letting you know that I'll be featuring this blog on mine on Sunday for Blog Day! Loooove the blog! (http://www.blogday.org/)