[it is NEW JERSEY]
The Kid from Newsies Who is Not Christian Bale: Being a kid is pretty great, but I hate it when I get embarrassed at a carnival because I'm not tall enough to ride on a ride with a pretty girl. Gosh, I wish I were big.
[a WEIRD MACHINE called ZOLTAR grants his wish, even though it is UNPLUGGED]
Tom Hanks: OMG! I'm still that kid! But I'm a man! But somehow my underpants fit! What is going on?!?!
Mercedes Ruehl: WHERE IS MY SON?!?!?!
Tom Hanks: Help me, best friend!!
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: You have proven that you are actually my best friend with your singing of the "shimmy, shimmy, coco pops" song. Let's have hilarious times!
[they DO, for a WHILE, but then they go to a SEEDY MOTEL and it is SCARY]
Lady at Some Bureau: It will take us 6 weeks to get you the location of the Zoltar machine. BUREAUCRACY IN ACTION, folks.
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: Well, I guess you need to get a job, even though you have no identification, references, skills, or education.
[somehow, they FIND HIM ONE at a TOY company, which is GREAT because HELLO he is a CHILD]
Jon Lovitz: Sup. I'm in this movie.
Robert Loggia, President of the Company: You have done something impressive, young man! I am giving you a big promotion, though you have been here a week. Your childlike manner is perfect in the toy industry.
[they DANCE on the BIG PIANO and everyone LOVES it]
The Dad from Home Alone: This guy cannot be for real. I am suspicious of him. Use your feminine wiles to investigate him.
Elizabeth Perkins: Are you sure? You seem like kind of a douche, and he seems super-nice. This plan could really easily backfire.
Tom Hanks: Let's go on the trampoline!! I have a crazy apartment that I got with no credit rating! Awesome!!
Elizabeth Perkins: I am sort of weirded out, but in a good way.
[Tom Hanks eats BABY CORN like it is REAL CORN for, like, FIVE MINUTES and it is GENUINELY HILARIOUS]
Honey I Shrunk the Kid: I got the results back! You can come home!
Tom Hanks: I am very busy now, please go away. Adult life is stressful.
[he WALKS AROUND and GAZES at CHILDREN, thinking back to when he was a BOY, which was LAST MONTH]
Tom Hanks: Wait, I want to be a kid again!!
Elizabeth Perkins: You're dumping me? Because you're a KID? WHAT?!?!
[he LEAVES a meeting DRAMATICALLY and goes to the ZOLTAR MACHINE]
Elizabeth Perkins: I believe you now, because you are at this park. Clearly, your explanation is the only explanation. I'll drive you home.
[she DOES, and somehow SEES him turn BACK into a KID in a COMICALLY LARGE SUIT, but it is still TEAR-INDUCING]
Everyone: Keep the child within you alive! Get a pinball machine and all your troubles will be solved!