[it is the 1980s]
Melanie Griffith: I want to get ahead in life, but my general Staten Island-ness, in particular my hair, is holding me back. Whatever shall I do?
Alec Baldwin: Just make me a lot of babies! Bring me beer! Other boorish man things! I'm a jackass.
David Duchovny: Also, I am in this movie.
Melanie Griffith: I will not submit to your boorish man things! I gotta get out of Staten Island! My birthday has made me realize that I hate wearing eyeshadow that is a color not found in nature!
Joan Cusack: Let's get you a serious hairstyle, and a better job where your boss isn't an ass.
[she goes to WORK for Sigourney Weaver, who is a BUSY BUSINESSLADY]
Sigourney Weaver: When you work for me, you can share all your ideas with me. But don't tell them to anyone else. Just me.
[obviously, she STEALS the idea that Melanie Griffith tells her, because she is AMORAL, and is PUNISHED by having a SKIING ACCIDENT]
Melanie Griffith: I now understand the world of business! You can lie, cheat, and steal! I'll go to a merger party to celebrate. But first, a few muscle relaxants. And some tequila.
[she RUNS INTO Harrison Ford and they FLIRT UNABASHEDLY because she is MAD DRUNK]
Melanie Griffith: I've got a head for business, but a bod for sin.*
Harrison Ford: I'm sorry, did you just say "bod"? We really are in the 80s.
[they DON'T BONE, but it is still KIND OF HOT]
Melanie Griffith: Oh no! That man is the man I am meeting with, under the pretense that I am a big businesswoman instead of just a secretary! And I got drunk in front of him!
Harrison Ford: Don't worry, I will not judge you. I am the presence of morality in business. However, I will still crash a wedding with you to try to get a meeting with a big businessman.
[they DO and it is HILARIOUSLY HIJINK-FILLED, and SUCCESSFUL]
Harrison Ford: Those hijinks and success make me want to bone you. Let's go.
Melanie Griffith: Why, oh why did I lie so much? My secretaryness must be showing!
Sigourney Weaver: I am back from my trip! Where is my boyfriend, Harrison Ford?
Melanie Griffith: Nooooooooooooooo! I love him!!!!
Sigourney Weaver: So, secretary, you have stolen my position and my man! THIS MEANS WAR!
[she EXPOSES Melanie Griffith for being a LIAR, even though SHE HERSELF is the LIAR]
Melanie Griffith: Okay, I'll go. I guess I was never meant for business anyway, being a blonde and all.
Harrison Ford: I believe you. And I'm not just saying that because we had sex. I'm also saying it because Sigourney Weaver is a total bitch.
Sigourney Weaver: But you act aggressive and jerky all the time! And no one calls you a bitch! DAMN YOU, DOUBLE STANDARD!
Melanie Griffith: See, women can advance in the workplace, if they are beautiful, and smart, and not too bitchy, but juuuuuust bitchy enough. Easy!
[she sits in her NEW OFFICE, with her OWN SECRETARY, to the strains of CARLY SIMON singing a LADYPOWER song]