[it is the 90s]
Demi Moore: I thought we were in love. But I guess we weren't. Here is our entire backstory, told exclusively through voiceover.
Woody Harrelson: We thought actual exposition, well, it would just take too long, so we're gonna tell you all about how we met and all that, then cut right to the chase: we are broke as a joke. But we want to build a dream house!
Demi Moore: But, boy, do we love each other. You can tell by the way we have violent fights that are "not real."
[they BONE to the STRAINS of Sade's THIS IS NO ORRRRRDINARY LOVVVVE, so you KNOW they are NOT ORDINARY]
Oliver Platt: I'm gonna level with you guys: you need some money. Now. As your lawyer, I'm telling you.
Woody Harrelson: Here's some solid financial planning: we'll borrow $5000 from my parents, then go to Vegas.
Demi Moore: Great plan, honey! I knew you had a head on those shoulders.
[they ACTUALLY WIN a bunch but then they LOSE MISERABLY]
Demi Moore: I will ease the pain of poverty by looking at these very expensive dresses.
Robert Redford: HELLO. I SAW YOU FROM ACROSS THE ROOM AND I KNEW I HAD TO SPEAK WITH YOU. LET ME BUY YOU THAT DRESS.
Demi Moore: Ew! I am not for sale!
Robert Redford: WE SHALL SEE.
[he offers A MILLION DOLLARS for ONE NIGHT with her]
Woody Harrelson: No way!
Demi Moore: But we could really use the money.
Woody Harrelson: Okay.
[she goes on a HELICOPTER and a BOAT and presumably has AWESOME HOOKER SEX]
Woody Harrelson: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[he RUNS after the HELICOPTER but does not CATCH it because it CAN FLY]
Demi Moore: Okay, that's over. We're in the money!
Woody Harrelson: I'm jealous still! For no real reason! WAS IT GOOD? WAS IT GOOD WITH HIM?
Demi Moore: Yes.
Woody Harrelson: [EXPLODES]
[they find out that their LAND has been PURCHASED out from UNDER them]
Demi Moore: I will use my connections and my primitive technology to discover who's done this to us. Gasp! It was that handsome, virile billionaire!
[she ACCOSTS him in a FANCY RESTAURANT to show him how much of a BASTARD he is]
Robert Redford: YOUR OVERTURES HAVE ONLY MADE ME MORE ATTRACTED TO YOU.
Demi Moore: So, I saw that billionaire today.
Woody Harrelson: WHAT?
[he THROWS a FULL BOTTLE OF WINE against their FRIDGE]
Demi Moore: Uh...maybe we should get divorced, and talk about it in voiceover again.
[they SPLIT UP and he becomes an ARCHITECT]
Demi Moore: I don't know what to do with myself. Perhaps I shall teach a citizenship class.
Robert Redford: MAY I SIT IN? I SEE AN OPEN SEAT. I AM RELENTLESS, AND HAVE UNLIMITED RESOURCES. HERE IS MY HOUSE.
Demi Moore: It needs some dogs.
Robert Redford: THEN DOGS YOU SHALL HAVE. SUCH DOGS AS YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN.
[he BUYS some DOGS]
Demi Moore: Oh, you have dogs now. Let's go out.
Woody Harrelson: I am still in love with you!!
Demi Moore: Please go away. My eyes may say "I love you," but my heart...my heart does not.
Robert Redford: I KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR EYES. IT IS HIM, NOT ME. HERE IS A STORY ABOUT HOW I "BUY" ALL SORTS OF WOMEN. YOU ARE RELEASED.
[Demi Moore gets on a BUS in a FUCKING GOWN and goes to a PIER]
Demi Moore: Oh. You're here. How convenient. Now we can hold hands and be in love again.
Woody Harrelson: Ok.