7.03.2008

Quick Change

Yes, technically this movie was released in 1990, but it must have been filmed in the 80s, so that's what I'm sticking with.
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[it looks like it is NEW YORK, but it is actually a POSTER of NEW YORK in the SUBWAY, which is DIRTY because it is the 80s]
Bill Murray, dressed as a clown: I hate this town. God, I hate it. I've come up with an amazing plan to get out, though. Best. Plan. Ever.
[he goes into a BANK, still DRESSED as a CLOWN]
Bill Murray: I'm going to say this in the morose, yet hilarious manner only I can: this is a hold-up.
Customers: He's a clown! Ha ha!
[Bill Murray SHOOTS his GUN and puts them all in the VAULT]
Randy Quaid: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEEE!
Geena Davis: Shh, be quiet, Man I Have Never Met Before Ever in Life. You're going to anger the bank robber, whom I have also not met, ever.
Bill Murray: Okay, I'm going to let some of you go. And I'm going to let you decide who leaves.
[he MANIPULATES the hostages and they let Randy Quaid and Geena Davis GO]
Jason Robards: What are your demands?
Bill Murray: Two helicopters, and a monster truck. And some more hard-to-get items. I'm really just stalling for time.
[he puts on a RED WIG and leaves the BANK with no CLOWN MAKEUP and it is HILARIOUS because you're like OMG THAT PLAN MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK]
Bill Murray: Hooray! Now we're in Brooklyn! With money taped to our bodies! This is awesome! I'll just call the chief of police to fuck with him some more.
[he DOES, but Randy Quaid HONKS the CAR HORN and their COVER is BLOWN]
Bill Murray: It's okay, we can still get to the airport on time.
Geena Davis: I wanted to tell you something. It's pretty much the only thing a woman would tell a man in a movie, ever. So...it can wait. I mean, you can probably figure it out. If you're in the audience. And have ever seen a movie.
[they try to FIND the BQE but CANNOT, and then get ROBBED of their LUGGAGE, but fortunately not the MONEY since they are still WEARING it]
Geena Davis: Let's go to my ex-boyfriend's house and steal some clothes so we aren't wearing the same things we wore out of the bank!
Phil Hartman: Get out of my house!
[they SWEET-TALK him and everything is COOL]
Randy Quaid: OMG OUR CAR JUST ROLLED INTO A DITCH!! NOOOOOO!!!
[they try to find a CAB for, like, EVER, and Randy Quaid FREAKS OUT]
Tony Shalhoub: [something in gibberish]
Bill Murray: That's right. The airport. Kennedy airport.
Radio: ...on the lookout for three robbers...
Randy Quaid: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
[he JUMPS out of the CAB and CRASHES into a KIOSK]
Tony Shalhoub: [concerned gibberish]
[meanwhile, back at the COP SHOP]
Jason Robards: This just doesn't add up. Where's that blonde hostage? And the whiny guy? Oh. My. God. We got tricked! By robbers! This is unacceptable.
Sassy Black Lady Cop: There's a report of a man jumping out of a cab, and the other riders were another man and a woman.
Jason Robards: It MUST be them. They're panicking! Let's go!
[meanwhile, in QUEENS or something]
Bill Murray: Okay, we just need to avoid the police, but that crazy cab driver is going to ID us. So many hijinks! Let's just go in this door.
Stanley Tucci: This ain't my dick in your back.*
Bill Murray: That's a relief.*
[they are in a MOB HIDEOUT and SWEET-TALK the MOBSTERS and steal their MONEY]
Bill Murray: We gotta get out of here. Look! The Q9 to JFK!
Comically Strict Bus Driver: I'm sorry, that $100 bill is no good. You need exact change.
Bill Murray: Yes! An opportunity for more hijinks!
[he gets the CHANGE, and is PURSUED by MOBSTERS and COPS and the CABBIE, but they MAKE IT on the BUS and are SAFE...for NOW]
Bill Murray: How long is it to JFK? I mean, how long will it take to walk from the bus stop?
Comically Strict Bus Driver: Well, I couldn't really say...but I'd estimate about 21 minutes with that injured individual.*
[there is a BIT with a HIPPIE and a GUITAR]
Randy Quaid: You're so good to me...you should have a kid.
Geena Davis: Well, I'm pregnant, but I haven't had a chance to tell Bill Murray yet. It seems like every time I try, I'm interrupted! Just like a movie!
Bill Murray: Time to get off the bus!
[they DE-BUS into the SCARIEST ALLEY EVER]
Old Woman: Flores! Flores para los muertos!!!*
Tennessee Williams: Somehow, I am okay with being alluded to in this movie. It's pretty good.
[they HITCH a RIDE with a JFK worker on one of those LUGGAGE TRAINS]
Geena Davis: I realized something during all these hijinks today. We're not right for each other. I'm not going to Martinique with you.
Randy Quaid: And she's pregnant!
Bill Murray: Whaaaa? This is too much information! Look, just meet me on the plane, okay?
The Dad from That 70s Show: I'm a jerk! That's all you really need to know about me right now!
Jason Robards: Okay, we've got 'em right where we want 'em.
[they BOARD the PLANE and for a SECOND you're like WHAT but then they ARREST the JERK GUY because he is ACTUALLY the MAIN MOBSTER]
The Dad from That 70s Show: Get away from me, coppers!
[a HUGE FIGHT ensues that involves the MOBSTER'S WIFE beating on the COPS with the BAG full of STOLEN MONEY]
Geena Davis: I was in the bathroom. You thought I wasn't here, but I was in the bathroom. SURPRISE!!
[they GET AWAY and the MOBSTER is ARRESTED]
Jason Robards: Wait a minute, that guy said something to me that was reminiscent of that bank robber before. Oh, you!!

1 comment:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I wish they'd literally cut to Tennessee Williams at that part! I would have even settled for a guy DRESSED as Tennessee Williams with "Tennessee Williams, Playwright" at the bottom of the screen.