7.23.2008

Mamma Mia!


[it is a SUN-SOAKED GREEK ISLE]
That Girl From Mean Girls and Big Love: I really want to know who my father is! I'm so earnest about wanting to know...that I will sing about it.
[she DOES, in a BOAT]
Her Bridesmaids: OMG! You're getting married! And you invited your dad! But you don't know who he is! Let's sing about it!
That Girl From MG/BL: Okay. Turns out my mom's a slut.
[they DANCE AROUND on the BEACH, backed by VILLAGERS]
Meryl Streep: Is this me? My scene? Sorry, I had, like, four bottles of wine earlier. And maybe some poppers. I don't know. This hotel sure is run down.
[she SINGS about her CRAPPY HOTEL with the GREEKS]
Meryl Streep: Hey! It's my backup singers from my old singing group!
[they REVEL in being OLD and FRIENDS]
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan and Stellan Skarsgard: Sup. We're here for the wedding? Or something? And we don't know each other, I guess?
That Girl From MG/BL: Don't tell my mom you're here! It's going to be a surprise that all her old flames just happened to show up!
[Meryl Streep FALLS through the ROOF whilst SINGING with the GREEK PEASANTS]
Meryl Streep: Sup. What are you all doing here? Want a cocktail? I've clearly had plenty.
[they make LAME EXCUSES for being on a REMOTE GREEK ISLE that she BELIEVES]
That Girl From MG/BL: Let's hang out on your boat, Stellan Skarsgard, though I have just met you and have given you no reason to like me, except that I'm the 20-year-old daughter of the woman you dated 20 years ago.
[they DO, and SING about the 60s, though 20 years ago would be the 80s]
Random Hot Dude: If we're going to get married, I don't want to be jealous.
[he SINGS about it on the BEACH with his HOMIES, who EMERGE from the SEA]
Meryl Streep: I'm so confused! And drunk!
[she SINGS some more while her friends PRANCE ABOUT]
Christine Baranski: No, thank you, young man who is pursuing me relentlessly, I will not sleep with you.
[they do a PRODUCTION NUMBER on the BEACH]
Meryl Streep: Time for the bachelorette party! And a number by the old ladies!
[they SING for no real REASON, in vaguely 1970s-ISH outfits]
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgard: I'm your dad! I just realized! I'll give you away at your wedding!
That Girl from MG/BL: [collapses DRAMATICALLY]
Random Hot Dude: Wait, was this whole wedding your idea to find out who your dad is? That angers me enough to walk away from you, but apparently not enough to call off the wedding. Let's not resolve this fight, ever.
Meryl Streep: Let's get you dressed, young lady. I shall gaze at you in the mirror and paint your toenails and be earnest.
Pierce Brosnan: I think I love you. Here is a song that kind of makes sense in that context.
[he SINGS, terribly]
Meryl Streep: Shut up! My daughter is getting married at the top of the tallest island ever! Before we go, though, I have to give you a piece of my mind...in song!
[she sings THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL, which seriously makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER]
That Girl From MG/BL: Good, you're here! Mom, you can give me away.
Colin Firth, Pierce Brosnan, and Stellan Skarsgard: I'm your dad! Wait, what? Oh, let's just say we're all her dad. That'll settle it.
Meryl Streep: I'm not a slut!
Pierce Brosnan: I will marry you, Meryl Streep!
Colin Firth: I'm gay, and just hooked up with this islander!
Stellan Skarsgard: I'm...whatevs, man.
That Girl From MG/BL: Let's not get married after all, and travel the world instead! Then everyone will be happy.
[they have a DINNER and some more SINGING]
The Backup Singer Friend Who Is Not Christine Baranski: To tie things up, I will pursue Stellan Skarsgard.
[she DOES, in song, with the goddamn VILLAGERS again]
Meryl Streep: What? We have to do another number during the credits? Fine. I want 3 million more dollars. And I get to keep the disco spacewear.

3 comments:

John A said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who found The Winner Takes It All to be completely out of context and weird.

Wikipedia seems to claim that the whole concept of the musical was built from that song, which just hurts my head.

I plan to watch Ronin this weekend, and spend the whole time imagining Stellan Skarsgard wearing the purple jumpsuit from the end of this movie.

Rural Juror said...

I enjoy the fact that Meryl Streep apparently owns slaves in this movie.

jeremy said...

perfection.