I saw this twice in three days. And I'm still not sure I got everything right in this thing. Heath...we love you, man.
[it is GOTHAM CITY]
Dude in a Clown Mask: So what's the deal with this bank robbery we're doing? And who's this "Joker" fellow?
[it becomes INCREASINGLY CLEAR that The Joker is TOTALLY one of the ROBBERS]
William Fichtner, whose name I somehow know: Stop robbing this bank! It's owned by the mob! You're gonna be sorry! I'm gonna blast you with a shotgun!!
Heath Ledger: I really doubt that. Hee hee!!
[he puts a FUCKING GRENADE in the dude's MOUTH and drives off in a SCHOOL BUS to join a CARAVAN of other SCHOOL BUSES and you're like GOOD PLAN DUDE]
Mayor of Gotham: So, Gotham's kind of better, but still kind of a shitty town. Yeah, Batman's still around...but he's a good guy. We think.
[some DRUG DEALERS or something do a DEAL in a PARKING GARAGE and are THWARTED by FAKE BATMANS...uh, BATMEN]
Christian Bale: Those jerks, trying to use my likeness without my permission. I'll just turn the Batmobile's setting from "Loiter" to "Intimidate."
[he fucking KICKS ASS, a LOT]
Fake Batman: What's the difference between me and you?*
Christian Bale: I'm not wearing hockey pads.* Yeah. These pecs are real. Take it in. You want it.
[meanwhile, in a COURTROOM]
Aaron Eckhart: Here are some establishing characteristics about me: I have a lucky coin that I flip, and I hate mobsters. Also, people are trying to kill me.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: And how!
[the WITNESS tries to SHOOT him with a GUN made in CHINA]
Aaron Eckhart: If you're planning to murder a public servant, I suggest you buy American.*
Gary Oldman: So, I need to go check out some banks, and I need a warrant, but I have no further information for you, really.
Aaron Eckhart: I don't trust you or your men, but okay.
[meanwhile, at WAYNE ENTERPRISES]
Nebbishy Wayne Enterprises Employee: I am skeptical about the numbers on this deal we just tried to do with this Lao fellow. I'll just establish my discontent with Wayne Enterprises in general now, to save time later.
Morgan Freeman: You go right ahead, son. We'll be down in the place where we make Batman's accessories. I mean...the R&D department.
[meanwhile, in a BASEMENT]
Lots of Criminals: What happened to all our money?
Lao, on a TV screen: I put it in safe-keeping, and now I'm going back to Hong Kong, outside the jurisdiction of Gotham. Oh, and that clown guy stole some of it.
Heath Ledger: [laughs TERRIFYINGLY but also HILARIOUSLY] Hello, mobsters and other criminal elements. I'm creepy. And I stole your money. And I will stop at nothing. Let's kill Batman.
[he KILLS a dude with a FUCKING PENCIL]
Lots of Criminals: Ha ha! So that's why they call you The Joker.
Heath Ledger: No, for real, you guys. Keep up, now...I'm going to be acting pretty hard in this movie.
[meanwhile, in a FANCY RESTAURANT]
Christian Bale: I have brought this scantily-clad woman as a power display, but in reality, I am a good guy, and love only one woman. A woman I cannot be with until Batman is no longer needed.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: That's me, y'all. Look at how we gaze at each other clandestinely. But I don't actually believe that day will come.
Aaron Eckhart: Gotham needs a new hero, one without a mask.
Christian Bale: Yes! Maybe this guy is my ticket out of that suit! It's so constricting. I'm going to throw you a party to show you I care. And probably kind of also to impress your girlfriend, whom I love. But first I just have to go to Hong Kong real quick and extradite this dude...Batman-style.
[he GOES there and uses TECHNOLOGY and AWESOMENESS to CAPTURE the Chinese BAD GUY and get him on a PLANE that is in the FUCKING AIR]
Aaron Eckhart: Sweet! We have the Chinese criminal bookkeeper! Let's arrest every criminal in Gotham...EVER.
[he literally FILLS the COURTROOM with BAD GUYS]
Heath Ledger: I'm not crazy!
[he does a BUNCH of things to DISPROVE that]
Gary Oldman: The judge, the DA, and the police commissioner are in danger!
[everyone SERIOUSLY drops the BALL and the JUDGE gets EXPLODED and the COMMISH gets POISONED]
Christian Bale: I must save Harvey Dent! He is Gotham's one hope for salvation! Good thing he's already at my house.
Heath Ledger: I'm here for more creepiness. Yes? Creepy enough for you, Gyllenhaal? I made out with your brother. And now I'm gonna make out with you.
Christian Bale: No way! I love her in a courtly manner!
[he SAVES her and is all GOTHIC about it]
Heath Ledger: I'm not crazy!
[does a BUNCH of things to DISPROVE that...again]
Jim Gordon: Ow, I'm dead even though I have not been promoted to Commissioner yet! Tell my wife I am dead. Really dead. And that I love her.
Aaron Eckhart: This is getting ridiculous. Look, y'all, I'm Batman. Just arrest me, okay?
Heath Ledger: We will try to capture him using the most inefficient, but awesomest methods available.
[they DO, leading to the COOLEST CAR CHASE EVER IN LIFE involving the BATMOBILE, a SEMI, the BATMOBILE'S MOTORCYCLE VERSION OF ITSELF, and EXPLOSIONS. And a TUNNEL. Oh, and the SEMI totally FLIPS OVER]
Jim Gordon: Suckaaaa! You totally fell into my trap. Also, I'm not dead. WHAT NOW, BITCH?!
Heath Ledger: Well, since you asked: I have put Maggie Gyllenhaal on one side of town and Aaron Eckhart on the other. Also, there is a bomb in this fat guy's belly. So I've basically fucked you up. Hardcore.
Christian Bale: But how can I decide between the woman I love and the man who would take my place and save Gotham? I'm so conflicted! This shit is heavy, man!
[he goes to save HARVEY, but only after he gets OIL on his FACE, which then starts on FIRE on one HALF]
Aaron Eckhart: I HATE YOU! You didn't save my girlfriend, and now my face is totally fucked up. Well, half-fucked up. I shall live by the name "Two-Face" now.
[meanwhile, at WAYNE PENTHOUSE]
Alfred: I was going to give you this card that your girlfriend gave to me to give to you that says she was going to marry Harvey Dent, but now I have decided that it's best that you don't know. Instead, here is some wisdom.
[meanwhile, on Anthony Michael Hall's NEWS PROGRAM]
Nebbishy Wayne Enterprises Employee: I know who Batman really is!
Heath Ledger: I won't have you ruin my fun. I haven't done quite enough crazy just yet. I'm going to blow up a hospital unless this nerd dies. Also, I look adorably terrifying in this red wig and nurse's uniform.
[obviously, the hospital gets BLOWN UP awesomely as Heath Ledger walks away, DRIPPING with ACTING]
Heath Ledger: Wait...I still need to be crazier. MORE CRAZY THINGS!!
[he plans a GAME of EXPLOSION CHICKEN between two FERRIES, but is proven WRONG about HUMANITY, which is apparently GOOD]
Christian Bale: I must find The Joker. Fortunately, I built this insane radar cell phone thing that can make a scan of everything in the city that's near a cell phone. How fortuitous.
[he FINDS Heath Ledger with the INSANE RADAR CELL PHONE THING and they BATTLE on a BUILDING because BATTLES are BETTER when they're HIGHER UP]
Heath Ledger: You still haven't caught Two-Face, though. MORE MOVIE!! MORRRRRE MOVIE!!!!
[meanwhile, at the WAREHOUSE from WAY EARLIER]
Aaron Eckhart: I know you can't pay attention because you're staring at my jaw, wondering how in the fuck they made my face look like this, but I'm going to say this anyway: I HATE YOU, JIM GORDON! You killed my family! Here, in this warehouse, or possibly that other one across town! Now I kill your family! Or maybe I flip a coin! And make my own luck!
[they FIGHT some more and you're like SERIOUSLY, this is COOL, but I could TOTALLY be done and go get some PIE or something]
Batman: We cannot let Gotham know that he lived long enough to see himself become the villain. You can chase me instead.
Jim Gordon: Ok.