[it is AFGHANISTAN]
Robert Downey Jr: You can tell that I am insouciant by the fact that I am drinking scotch in a military vehicle. I'm so droll!
[they get SERIOUSLY blown up]
Robert Downey Jr: But...I'm Tony Stark! I don't get blown up!
[36 hours EARLIER]
Awards Ceremony Video Presentation: Here is some exposition about Tony Stark, who owns a big weapons company that his dad started, and he runs it with his dad's friend, Jeff Bridges, because his dad died, and basically everyone loves him, and he was on the cover of Rolling Stone once.
Terrance Howard: This award goes to my friend, Tony Stark! Who is...not...in...the audience. Shit.
Robert Downey Jr: I'm playin' craps!
[he BANGS a hot blonde REPORTER]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay, good morning, random girl that Tony picked up, time to leave now. I take care of all of Mr. Stark's needs. Well...almost all of them.
[she HUSTLES him onto his PLANE amid SEXUAL TENSION]
Robert Downey Jr: Woooo! Party plaaaaane!
Terrance Howard: I'm not drinking right now. [quick cut to] Woooo!! PARTY PLANE!
[they LAND and demonstrate a CRAZY MISSILE that is, like, REALLY INTENSE and then have a MARTINI on the FIELD]
Robert Downey Jr: This is the Fun-vee. Go take the Humdrum-vee.*
Terrance Howard: Oh, you.
[we CATCH UP to the EXPLOSION from BEFORE]
Bad Guys: You need to build us that crazy bomb.
Robert Downey Jr: Uh...no. Also, what is happening on my chest here?
Nice Prisoner: I kept the shrapnel in your body from going into your heart with this car battery because I am a FREAKING GENIUS.
[they LOCK him in a CAVE and instead of a BOMB, he builds himself a BETTER BATTERY as well as a SUIT of IRON]
Robert Downey Jr: SUCK ON THIS, BAD GUYS!
[he shoots FLAMES from his SUIT and is GENERALLY AMAZING]
Nice Prisoner: I have been injured, but my family is dead anyway. Go, and make the world a better place. Don't worry about me.
[he DIES a HERO]
Robert Downey Jr: I have seen the light. I shall change my ways.
[he FLIES away but then CRASHES in the DESERT and WANDERS ABOUT]
Terrance Howard: I somehow found you in the desert three months after you went missing! Let's go home.
Jeff Bridges: You're found! That's great! Yes!
Robert Downey Jr: And guess what else? We're not making weapons anymore!
Jeff Bridges: Uh...dude. We're a weapons company. Can we talk about this?
Robert Downey Jr: Later. I have things to work on in my lab.
[he makes a BETTER SUIT and has many HILARIOUS MISHAPS and interactions with his ROBOTS, but then he PERFECTS it and can FLY]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Can we have another awkwardly sexual-tension-filled scene? And though you told me to throw out your old "heart," can I keep it and make it into a present for you that right now seems sentimental, but might be practical later?
Robert Downey Jr: Yes. Now I need to go save the world.
[he STOPS his OWN WEAPONS from KILLING innocent PEOPLE and no one KNOWS what is GOING ON]
US Military: Whaaaa?
Terrance Howard: Dude, is this one of your weapons?
Robert Downey Jr: Actually, it's me. In a suit. I'm on the cell phone with you right now from inside the suit.
Terrance Howard: Son, you crazy.
Robert Downey Jr: Gwyneth, please go to my office and get me some data from a computer.
[she DISCOVERS that Jeff Bridges is a BAD GUY and actually HIRED the TERRORISTS to KILL Robert Downey Jr]
Gwyneth Paltrow: Oh my!
SHIELD Agent: I will help you, because I am conveniently here.
[meanwhile, at Robert Downey Jr's HOUSE]
Jeff Bridges: I'm going to paralyze you, tell you my whole plan, then rip out your power source. Oh, and then go kill your little assistant. I have my OWN iron suit!
[Robert Downey Jr gets the HEART that Gwyneth gave him EARLIER but it is not as GOOD as the NEW one]
Robert Downey Jr: NOW WE BATTLE!
[they DO, and it is AWESOME because HELLO they are both GIANT METAL DUDES]
Robert Downey Jr: I have defeated you using something I learned earlier! Oh, wait. I haven't. Gwyneth, destroy the building!
Gwyneth Paltrow: But! You'll die! I'm a girl! AAAA! And your battery is running out!
[she DOES as she is TOLD and it actually KILLS the bad guy but helps Robert Downey Jr LIVE by recharging his BATTERY]
Robert Downey Jr: That was convenient.
[they have a PRESS CONFERENCE, where he is ACCOSTED by the JOURNALIST he BANGED earlier]
Terrance Howard: Just don't tell anyone you're Iron Man.
Robert Downey Jr: I AM IRON MAN!
[everyone goes NUTS]
Samuel L. Jackson: Sequel, anyone?