Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

[it is 1912]
River Phoenix: Come on, fellow boy scouts! Let's go tangle with these bad guys to get this precious artifact from them, though we are but teenagers! I am brave! And have integrity! That's what makes me Indiana Jones!
[they WATCH as a COOL GUY with a COOL HAT tries to STEAL a CROSS from a CAVE]
River Phoenix: That belongs in a museum!*
[he STEALS it and they CHASE him and it is AMAZING]
River Phoenix: I know! I'll just jump onto this moving train! Easy!!
[he FALLS into the SNAKE CAR and is in, like, a TUB of snakes]
River Phoenix: Waaaaaaaa! I shall now hate snakes forever!
[he FALLS into the LION CAR and DEFENDS himself with a WHIP]
River Phoenix: This whip is useful. I shall use it forever!
[the BAD GUYS catch him and TAKE the cross, but the COOL GUY gives him his HAT]
River Phoenix: This experience has basically formed my entire adult persona. How convenient.
[YEARS later]
Harrison Ford: Listen, class, most of archaeology is done in the library...we don't follow treasure maps, and X never, ever marks the spot.*
Some Rich Dude: I need you to translate this tablet, and also to go find the Holy Grail. Our main researcher's been kidnapped.
Harrison Ford: Well, you should probably talk to my father...he's the grailophile in this family.
Some Rich Dude: Your father is our main researcher. BOOYAH! Who saw that one coming, hey? Ha HA! Seriously, though, just go to Venice and meet this doctor we've been working with.
Harrison Ford: I better bring this grail diary my father sent me, too.
Marcus Brody: And me!
Harrison Ford: I've booked us two tickets on the Red Line Airline.
Dr. Hot Blonde: Guten Tag, gentlemen. Let us go to the library, as that is the last place I saw your father. I think the other half of the tablet is around here somewhere in the knight's tomb.
[they LOOK AROUND and realize that X is LITERALLY marking the SPOT where they need to DIG]
Harrison Ford: I'll just time my bashes on the floor with the stamping of the books, and NO ONE WILL KNOW we just broke the floor.
[they DESCEND into the CATACOMBS and wade through WATER and PETROLEUM and RATS to find the KNIGHT'S TOMB]
Harrison Ford: Yesssss. Let me make a rubbing of this on this waterproof paper.
[someone sets the PETROLEUM on FIRE and they HIDE inside a COFFIN and then ESCAPE by swimming UNDER the fire and it is CRAZY]
Harrison Ford: Who's trying to kill us?
[there is a BOAT CHASE, because they are in VENICE, and you are NOT ALLOWED to film in Venice WITHOUT one]
Some Guy: I am a part of the order that protects the location of the grail. Stop trying to find it!
Harrison Ford: Dude, I just want to find my father.
Some Guy: Oh, ok. He's in a castle.
Harrison Ford: That was surprisingly easy.
[they go to the CASTLE and get in by PRETENDING to be SCOTTISH and TRADING HATS]
Harrison Ford: Dad! I found you!
Sean Connery: I am disappointed in you for some reason, anyway. Now let's get out of here!
[they get TRICKED by Dr. Hot Blonde, who is actually a NAZI]
Harrison Ford: Wait, how did you know she was one of them?
Sean Connery: She talks in her sleep.*
Harrison Ford: But that means that...and I...okay, EW.
Some Rich Dude: Now, give us the grail diary! Also, we have your friend Marcus!! Haha!
Sean Connery: Hahahaha! I sent it to Junior here so it would be safe, suckaaaaaas!
Harrison Ford: Uh...sorry. It's actually right here in my pocket. Shit.
[they get TIED UP and TRY to ESCAPE, but Sean Connery lights the WHOLE FUCKING ROOM on fire]
Harrison Ford: Daaaad!
[they find a SECRET ROOM with NAZI PLANNING going on in it]
Harrison Ford: DAD!!
Sean Connery: I'm just going to sit in this rocking chair and -- oh, would you look at that? I found a staircase!
[Harrison Ford TUMBLES down the SECRET STAIRCASE and finds a MOTORCYCLE, which they use to ESCAPE]
Sean Connery: We have to get the diary back!
Harrison Ford: But what about Marcus?
Sean Connery: We seriously need the diary. Marcus will be fine.
[they go to BERLIN to find Dr. Hot Blonde and the DIARY at some sort of NAZI PEP RALLY]
Dr. Hot Blonde: Whaaaaa? You came for the diary??
Harrison Ford: Obviously, I didn't come back for you, YA NAZI.
[he puts his HAND around her THROAT]
Harrison Ford: All I have to do is squeeze.*
Dr. Hot Blonde: All I have to do is scream.*
[NEITHER of those things HAPPENS, and ADOLF HITLER signs the GRAIL DIARY thinking it is an AUTOGRAPH book]
Harrison Ford: Let's go by way of zeppelin, just so we can cover all possible modes of transportation in this movie.
[they are DISCOVERED and have to FLEE the zeppelin on the BIPLANE and have a DOGFIGHT and it is COOL and HILARIOUS]
Sean Connery: I'm sorry, son...we've been hit. [aside] By me.
[they CRASH-LAND and EVENTUALLY get to where MARCUS and the NAZIS are]
Harrison Ford: Let's attack them! They couldn't possibly hit us, we're well out of range!*
[a BOMB hits their CAR and TOTALLY blows it up]
Harrison Ford: New plan! Let's let this order of knights who protect the grail attack those Nazis, since there are a lot of them.
Sean Connery: But what about Marcus? I'll just go rescue him myself.
Harrison Ford: DAD! God, that guy is killing me here.
[there is a DOPE-ASS car chase involving a TANK and this one part where Indy TOTALLY puts a ROCK in the tank's GAS PIPE]
Harrison Ford: Save my dad! I'm going to go over this cliff with the taaaaaaaank!
Salah: Indy! Nooooooo! I thought you could never die!!!
[they are all SAD but OBVIOUSLY he is NOT dead]
Harrison Ford: Sup. I'm right here.
Sean Connery: Suddenly, I remember how much you mean to me. However, I will still treat you brusquely, but with affection.
[they go to the GRAIL PLACE and start off to GET it but then the BAD GUYS show up and SHOOT Sean Connery so now they're all like SHIT we GOTTA get that GRAIL]
Sean Connery: Go do the three challenges I told you about!
Harrison Ford: Penitent man - check. God's name - check. Now I'll just - WHAAAA?
[there is a CRAZY "invisible" BRIDGE that is like some sort of MAGIC EYE poster, but Indy gets ACROSS]
Some Knight: Hi. Wow, no one's ever made it back here. I'm - I'm not really sure what we do at this point. Oh, right - pick the grail from this selection of grails. But don't take it outside the cave, or bad shit will go down.
Bad Guy: It must be this elaborate one, because it belongs to God.
[he DRINKS from it and, like, DISSOLVES]
Harrison Ford: You tool. This is the right one, because this is a carpenter's grail.
[he DRINKS from that one and does NOT dissolve]
Harrison Ford: Dad! I got the grail! I can save you!
[he DOES]
Dr. Hot Blonde: We have the grail!! I'm drunk with power, and the blood of Christ!
[she TAKES it past the BORDER and the WHOLE CAVE starts to collapse and she TRIES to save the GRAIL at the EXPENSE of her OWN LIFE]
Sean Connery: Never do what she just did, son. That includes right now.
Harrison Ford: Thanks, Dad. I'm glad we had this adventure. Please stop calling me Junior, and don't tell anyone I was named after the dog.
[they LITERALLY ride off into the SUNSET]


Kate said...

I laughed aloud a bunch of times while reading this particular review.

Bayjb said...

I still can't get over that River Phoenix was the young Indy, seems so hard to believe all these years later. Raiders is still the best.