5.28.2008

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I feel like I've given you guys enough time to see this if that's your cup of tea. If you haven't seen it yet, I don't think I need to tell you that there are spoilers up in here.
~~~~~~~~~~~
[it is the 1950s]
Some Russians: These American teenagers and their Elvis music are annoying, but good exposition. They tell us so much about today's America.
[they KILL a bunch of SOLDIERS and go into a RESTRICTED AREA]
Cate Blanchett: Dr. Jones, I have studied Russian extensively at the Rocky and Bullwinkle Academy of Hokey Dialects, and I need you to find a thing in this warehouse.
Harrison Ford: But I'm so old!
[many "JOKES" are made to IMPRESS this point]
Harrison Ford: Okay, fine, we will use the magnetic properties of the unnamed thing to find it. Just toss some gunpowder in the air and voila!
[they DO, and it somehow WORKS, and the THING is a STRAIGHT-UP alien corpse]
Mac: Okay, time to betray you!
[he DOES, and there is an UNINSPIRED CAR CHASE]
Harrison Ford: I gotta get out of here. Look, a town! In the middle of nowhere! Where they normally test atomic bombs! With houses! And...mannequins?...and...oh. Shit.
[he hides in a FRIDGE because it will protect him from the impending NUCLEAR BLAST]
The Janitor from Scrubs: We've got our eye on you, Jones. Consorting with the reds is no laughing matter here in the McCarthy era.
Bradford Meade from Ugly Betty: I am in the military, and also in this movie for 1 second.
[meanwhile, back at COLLEGE]
Jim Broadbent: So, basically you're fired because everyone thinks you're a commie. Go America! Wait, they also think I am one too. Laters.
Harrison Ford: I guess I'll just go, then...I am pretty old.
Shia LeBoeuf: Hey! I'm riding a motorcycle! That means I don't respect authority or society! My pompadour shows how cool I am! I quit school! SUCK ON THAT.
Harrison Ford: What? Who are you?
Shia LeBoeuf: My mom gave me this letter to give to you because she's in Peru and needs to be rescued or something. I'm not really sure. But I will mention here that I am pretty good at fencing. That might seem like random information now, but trust me - we'll need it later.
KGB: We have found you, because we need you for some reason.
Dude in a Letter Jacket: Hey! Other 1950s stereotype! I don't like you.
Dude in a Black Leather Jacket: Oh yeah? LET'S FIGHT.
[there is a CHASE on the MOTORCYCLE and with CARS through the HALLS of KNOWLEDGE and it is only MODERATELY awesome]
Harrison Ford: Whew. We lost them. Okay, let's go to my house. They're sure not to find us there.
Shia LeBoeuf: Here's the letter my mom sent. It has a code. I'm still not really sure why you need to go get her and her friend Oxley, who you also know.
Harrison Ford: Oxley wrote me a riddle in a dead language! Ho ho ho. He is such a card. Basically, we are looking for these crystal skulls that are mysterious. Let's go to Peru on the Red Line Airline.
[they DO, and go to a GRAVE where there are POISON-DART-BLOWING grave keeper people who are TOTALLY ZOMBIES]
Harrison Ford: Okay, we have the skull.
Bad Guys: And now we have you. Because we need you. For some reason...what was it again? Oh, right, to decipher the insane rantings of this friend of yours.
[they go to the BAD GUY CAMP and Karen Allen is TOTALLY Shia LeBoeuf's MOM]
Harrison Ford: WTF?
Karen Allen: Sup.
Cate Blanchett: Now, explain what this man is talking about. He went crazy when he looked at the crystal skull too hard. Now we will make you do the same thing. Also, the skull is from an alien. FYI.
[he LOOKS at the skull REALLY HARD and shit gets CRAZY]
Harrison Ford: That was weird, and I'm not entirely sure what I was supposed to get out of it
Mac: Also, we are friends again.
[Shia LeBoeuf CLOCKS a dude in an ILL-ADVISED manner]
Shia LeBoeuf: We're escaping now! My disdain for authority has finally paid off!
Harrison Ford: Do you have a plan? Or are we just going to run into lightning sand?
Shia LeBoeuf: The second thing, I guess.
Karen Allen: The kid's your son! I never told you! AAAA! I'm sure no one saw that one coming AT ALL!!! AAA!
[they get SAVED from the SAND when Shia LeBoeuf throws them a SNAKE]
Harrison Ford: I still hate snakes! Remember that, audience? Good times. Good times.
[they get CAPTURED again by Cate Blanchett and her CREW, but then ESCAPE again and have a CAR CHASE that involves Shia LeBoeuf SWINGING on VINES with LITERAL GODDAMN MONKEYS]
Shia LeBoeuf: Now I will display my aforementioned fencing skills!
[he FIGHTS Cate Blanchett but they STILL ESCAPE and then go down THREE INSANELY HUGE WATERFALLS and NEVER DIE]
Harrison Ford: Okay, so now we have to go to this one place and put the skull back where it belongs, and then we'll...uh...be complete. With this quest. Right.
[they GO and there are ALIEN SKELETONS who are a HIVE BEING and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK]
Cate Blanchett: Tell me! TELL ME EVERYTHING! I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING!
[an INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL opens and the BAD GUYS get SUCKED in]
Former Raving Lunatic: They weren't aliens. They were interdimensional beings. They live in the space between spaces.
Harrison Ford: Their treasure wasn't gold. It was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure.*
Shia LeBoeuf: But...the knowledge made everyone go crazy and kill people.
Harrison Ford: EVERYTHING IS TIED UP NOW, SON.
[he and Karen Allen GET MARRIED]
Shia LeBoeuf: Hey, can I have your hat?
Harrison Ford: No. Never. Never ever. Ever.
[the END...but probably NOT, sadly]

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

The movie is not quite as ridiculous as your review.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Wait, so Shia the Beef didn't have a love interest at all? That's amazing!

Movie Maven said...

@anonymous: I'm not sure if you're new here or not, but that's kind of what we do around here. Ridiculousness, with a splash of hyperbole. Welcome!

@overcoat: Right?! Beefy was being too cool the whole time to have room for dames.

Amanda said...

you forgot the part where GIANT FLESH EATING ANTS ate like FIVE KGB GUYS in a ROW. :D

Movie Maven said...

@Amanda: you're totally right! i think i blocked that out because it was WAY GROSS.