[it is NEW YORK in the 1960s and a CREEPY LULLABY is playing]
Mia Farrow: Honey, let's get this apartment! It's so great! I'm not even concerned about this weird closet that was hidden by an armoire for some reason.
Hutch: Listen, tenants who are also my friends, that building is FUCKED. UP. Some crazy-ass shit went down there. With witches.
[they buy it ANYWAY because it is ADORABLE and they want to pretend they are FANCY, even though her husband is NOT THAT SUCCESSFUL an actor]
Mia Farrow: Let's have sex in our empty apartment!
Friendly Young Neighbor: Hi. I live with the old people next door to you. I was basically a whore and they took me in. I'm not sure why. I don't really ask.
Mia Farrow: That's nice of them. They must be really nice people.
[the NEXT DAY, they find the SAME GIRL on the SIDEWALK, DEAD and it is GROSS]
Mr. Old Neighbor: Well, she was pretty depressed. Whatevs. Now you can be our little pets.
[they invite them for DINNER and talk about RELIGION and it is sort of CREEPY]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Hey! The guy who was supposed to play that part I wanted is suddenly going blind for no reason! Awesome! Now I will be a big star! HELL of a way to get a part, though...heh, heh.
[he starts to be a DICK]
Mia Farrow: Stop being a dick.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Okay. Let's make a baby.*
[he keeps track of her OVULATION and it is WEIRD]
Mrs. Old Neighbor: I brought you some chocolate mouse. Have it! It's delicious!
Mia Farrow: This mousse tastes weird.
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT AND BE NEIGHBORLY.
Mia Farrow: But she's not even he-
Mia Farrow's Husband: EAT IT!
[she DOES NOT eat it because it tastes like EVIL, which tastes like CHALK]
Mia Farrow: What the fuck? I feel SO HIGH right now.
[she has a FUCKED-UP dream that involves the SISTINE CHAPEL and the DEVIL and a BUNCH of WEIRD SHIT]
Mia Farrow: This is no dream, this is really happening!*
[she wakes up with SCRATCHES all over her]
Mia Farrow's Husband: Oh, I did you while you were sleeping. Hope that's cool.
Mrs. Old Neighbor: Here. Have some vitamin drink. It's good for you. Also, see this doctor we know. He's good for you. WE CARE ABOUT YOU. SO MUCH CARING.
[Mia Farrow's OLD LANDLORD goes into a COMA after he lost his GLOVE and she is SKETCHED OUT, but still gets a SASSY 'DO from VIDAL SASSOON]
Mia Farrow: Let's have a party with our regular friends...not those old weirdos.
All her friends: Um...you look TERRIBLE. And your doctor sounds icky.
Mia Farrow's Husband: Your friends are bitches.*
[their old landlord DIES and at the FUNERAL she gets a BOOK from a MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who tells her the NAME is an ANAGRAM]
Mia Farrow: Thank god this Scrabble game is such a big fad! I can use the letters to solve this mystery!
[she DOES, and realizes that Mr. Old Neighbor is EVIL, and finds out MORE CLUES that point in the direction of WITCHES]
Mia Farrow: Help me! My husband is in collusion with a coven of witches!
Other Obstetrician: Don't worry, that's just normal female hysterics. I'll call your husband and doctor. Oh, women...will you EVER have reasoning? Ha ha.
[he DOES, and she RUNS AWAY but they PURSUE her and TAKE her baby but tell her it DIED]
Mia Farrow: Where's my baby?!?!?!??
[she FINDS it, and the COVEN, in the SECRET CHAMBER behind the OMINOUS CLOSET]
Mia Farrow: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIS EYES?*
Mr. Old Neighbor: He has his father's eyes.*
Mia Farrow: Wait, what? I still don't get it.
Mr. Old Neighbor: Hell-OOO??? His father is the DEVIL. DUH.
Mia Farrow: Oh. OH! I am REALLY creeped out now. I thought you were just going to sacrifice him. This is an entirely different story. Well, he is still my baby...
[the CREEPY LULLABY starts again]