[it is OLD-TIMEY ENGLAND]
Keira Knightley: I have so many sisters! We're poor! Kind of! My mom is annoying! Let's go to a ball!
[they DO, and see a NEW GUY IN TOWN and his SURLY FRIEND]
Jane Bennett: Ooh, that new guy is cute, and his hair is taller and redder than Conan O'Brien's, but I am very shy. Fortunately, we can dance austerely and flirt in an extremely subtle manner.
Keira Knightley: Yeah, but his friend sure seems mad about something.
Mr. Darcy: Though I am a sexy amalgam of Alan Rickman, John Cusack, and Ewan McGregor, I am not Colin Firth. Minus 50 Brood Points!
[he BROODS in a SUBPAR way and INSULTS people]
Mrs. Bennett: We gotta get Jane married to the new guy in town! I have the perfect plan! We'll make her ride a horse in the rain and catch a really bad fever in a time period where people literally die of fever! Then she'll have to stay over! BEST PLAN EVER!
Keira Knightley: My mother is an idiot.
[she WALKS over there to RESCUE Jane and runs into Mr. Darcy again and they GLARE at each other in a SEXY MANNER]
Mr. Collins: Hi. I'm here to marry one of you. Any of you, really. I'm too short to get a wife any other way.
Keira Knightley: Ew.
[there is ANOTHER BALL because RICH PEOPLE love BALLS]
Lydia: OMG WICKHAM IS SO CUTE AND I LOVE SOLDIERS!!
Wickham: Your sister is really annoying. But you are hot. Also, Mr. Darcy was mean to me in the past, so if you hear him talking shit about me, that's why. Just FYI.
Keira Knightley: Now I hate that prideful, prejudicial creep even more!!
Miss Bingley: Those Bennetts are gross. Let's go away from here.
[they all BOUNCE and Jane's hopes are DASHED]
Charlotte Lucas: So...I'm old and ugly, apparently, even though I'm 27 and kind of cute in a quirky way, so I'm going to marry your gross cousin.
Keira Knightley: Ew!
[she goes to VISIT them and meets Lady Catherine and is SASSY to her and WALKS some more]
Mr. Darcy: I like how you sassed my aunt.
[they RUN to a GAZEBO in the RAIN to make the next scene MORE DRAMATIC]
Mr. Darcy: So...even though you're poor, and your family is totally embarrassing, will you marry me?
Keira Knightley: Uh...no. Ass.
[he writes her a LETTER because ALL COMMUNICATION was LETTER-BASED in olden times]
Mr. Darcy (in the letter): I didn't do any of the bad things you said I did. For reals. Also, Wickham is a jackass, even if he does have a long, lustrous ponytail.
Keira Knightley: [GAZES INTENSELY to show how she FEELS]
[she goes on a TRIP with her AUNT and UNCLE and they stop at Darcy's HUGE-ASS HOUSE]
Keira Knightley: Wow, he has a lot of marble statues...nude ones, at that. I shall gaze at the marble nudeness for a good long while.
Mr. Darcy: Oh. Hey. You're here. Uh...this is awkward.
Keira Knightley: Uh...yeah. Bye.
[she gets a LETTER from Jane that says that their SLUTTY SISTER has run off with Wickham and is RUINED]
Keira Knightley: This is literally the worst thing that can happen! Oh, how society shapes our lives!!
[she goes HOME and Lydia comes back MARRIED to Wickham]
Lydia: Ha ha! I'm married now! Suckaaaaas! Don't tell anyone, but Mr. Darcy basically paid Wickham to marry me.
Keira Knightley: So many feelings!! I shall gaze some more!! Emote! Emote!
Some Random: Mr. Bingley's back!
Jane: Whatevs. I'm sooooo over him.
[he PROPOSES]
Jane: I'm sooooo marrying him.
[Lady Catherine comes to the BENNETT HOUSE in the MIDDLE of the NIGHT, which is TOTALLY WEIRD]
Lady Catherine: Don't marry my nephew!
Keira Knightley: My character has been developed as a woman who will not obey the rules of society! Mostly! I reject your request!
[she TRIES to sleep but CAN'T, so she goes for a WALK and sees Mr. Darcy STROLLING through the MORNING MIST]
Mr. Darcy: So...all that stuff I said before? Still on the table.
Keira Knightley: Awesome.
Mr. Bennett: But...you hate him.
Keira Knightley: No, I love him.
Mr. Bennett: Oh. Well, okay. That explains everything.
[they sit on a BARGE or something with CANDLES and LOOK at each other]
Keira Knightley: You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy" when you are supremely, incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES one part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES another part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
[KISSES yet ANOTHER part of her BODY]
Audience: Oh my god, seriously, stop.
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy.
2 comments:
I just watched the movie "The Jacket," which featured Keira Knightley as an American. The only thing she did well was the American accent. It was like she was giving a master class in cliche-ridden acting. It doesn't make me want to run right out and see anything else she's in.
Plus, she reminds me of Winona Ryder, who I very much dislike.
"master class in cliche-ridden acting" is pretty much the most apt way to describe her entire career, so, yeah, you might want to steer clear of basically everything she's ever done.
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