If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that both frequent contributor Laura and I have a complex relationship with Cusack. Sort of like the relationships he has with all women in a classic man-child Cusack role in the mostly-faithful-but-moved-stateside adaptation of Nick Hornby's lovely novel. In terms of Nick Hornby stateside adaptations, though, you could do worse (see: Fever Pitch).
[it is CHICAGO, not LONDON]
John Cusack: Depressed. So depressed. Plus superior to all others. Why do women leave me?
[his current GIRLFRIEND takes her STUFF and LEAVES him]
John Cusack: I shall ponder my love life via my favorite man-child activity - making a Top Five list.
[he LISTS the FIVE great LOVES/BREAKUPS of his LIFE]
[It is the PAST]
Little John Cusack: Hey, girls are everywhere! And they have boobs!
[he SEES his GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT with some other KID]
His Friend: Slut.*
[it is the PRESENT]
Jack Black: Check me out in my breakout performance! Wooo! Your music sucks, douchebag!! I'm so much smarter than all of you!! WOOOO!
Todd Louiso: So awkward! So cute, but so awkward!
[he SKULKS around AWKWARDLY]
John Cusack: Grump grump. I own a record store. Isn't that appropriate?
[he MOPES around some more, WHILST listening to OBSCURE music on VINYL that we LAME PEOPLE wouldn't UNDERSTAND]
John Cusack: I shall go to the Double Door. Perhaps that will cure my sadness.
Denise Huxtable: [SINGS a SLOW JAM]
John Cusack: Is that Peter fucking Frampton?*
[they DO IT]
John Cusack: Though I got it on with that hot chick, I cannot forget my vaguely Icelandic, bad-acting girlfriend.
[his GIRLFRIEND comes over and MINDFUCKS him for a WHILE, whilst ACTING POORLY]
Joan Cusack: Hey, brot- I mean, boyfriend of my friend. Sorry she dumped you. I don't even like that Ian guy she left you for.
John Cusack: WHAT IAN GUY???? That creep who used to live above me??
[he has FANTASIES about his GIRLFRIEND doing it with a GRAY-PONYTAILED Tim Robbins]
John Cusack: I must find ex-girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones. She will give me the answers to why all women leave me! Plus, she was hot and awesome.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Hey, what's up? I'm a total yuppie bitch now.
[she SNAPS her FINGERS in a CONDESCENDING way]
John Cusack: NOOOOO! Lili Taylor will have the answers. She wrote songs about Joe! She understands heartache!
Lili Taylor: My meds aren't working. Allow me to attempt to seduce you in a heartbreaking manner.
John Cusack: Aaaa! Women!
His Girlfriend: Hey, here I am again. Just hanging around your house. I need to pick up more stuff, as I seem to have more stuff than anyone in the world.
[she makes BEDROOM EYES at him]
John Cusack: I hate my life!!
His Girlfriend: My dad died. I am miserable. Have sex with me in this car.
John Cusack: Um…okay. Are we back together?
His Girlfriend: Of course.
Audience: What is up with this girl?
John Cusack: I am having a concert to promote these kids whose album I produced. It was a subplot.
Jack Black: Can my band play? We're called Sonic Death Monkey.*
John Cusack: God, no!
His Girlfriend: Jack Black's band is playing!
John Cusack: Nooooo!
[the BAND plays, and is AWESOME, although they are no TENACIOUS D]
John Cusack: I'm going to make my girlfriend a mix tape. I'm…happy…now?