3.22.2008

Guest Post: High Fidelity


If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that both frequent contributor Laura and I have a complex relationship with Cusack. Sort of like the relationships he has with all women in a classic man-child Cusack role in the mostly-faithful-but-moved-stateside adaptation of Nick Hornby's lovely novel. In terms of Nick Hornby stateside adaptations, though, you could do worse (see: Fever Pitch).

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[it is CHICAGO, not LONDON]

John Cusack: Depressed. So depressed. Plus superior to all others. Why do women leave me?

[his current GIRLFRIEND takes her STUFF and LEAVES him]

John Cusack: I shall ponder my love life via my favorite man-child activity - making a Top Five list.

[he LISTS the FIVE great LOVES/BREAKUPS of his LIFE]

[It is the PAST]

Little John Cusack: Hey, girls are everywhere! And they have boobs!

[he SEES his GIRLFRIEND MAKING OUT with some other KID]

His Friend: Slut.*

[it is the PRESENT]

Jack Black: Check me out in my breakout performance! Wooo! Your music sucks, douchebag!! I'm so much smarter than all of you!! WOOOO!

Todd Louiso: So awkward! So cute, but so awkward!

[he SKULKS around AWKWARDLY]

John Cusack: Grump grump. I own a record store. Isn't that appropriate?

[he MOPES around some more, WHILST listening to OBSCURE music on VINYL that we LAME PEOPLE wouldn't UNDERSTAND]

John Cusack: I shall go to the Double Door. Perhaps that will cure my sadness.

Denise Huxtable: [SINGS a SLOW JAM]

John Cusack: Is that Peter fucking Frampton?*

[they DO IT]

John Cusack: Though I got it on with that hot chick, I cannot forget my vaguely Icelandic, bad-acting girlfriend.

[his GIRLFRIEND comes over and MINDFUCKS him for a WHILE, whilst ACTING POORLY]

Joan Cusack: Hey, brot- I mean, boyfriend of my friend. Sorry she dumped you. I don't even like that Ian guy she left you for.

John Cusack: WHAT IAN GUY???? That creep who used to live above me??

[he has FANTASIES about his GIRLFRIEND doing it with a GRAY-PONYTAILED Tim Robbins]

John Cusack: I must find ex-girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones. She will give me the answers to why all women leave me! Plus, she was hot and awesome.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Hey, what's up? I'm a total yuppie bitch now.

[she SNAPS her FINGERS in a CONDESCENDING way]

John Cusack: NOOOOO! Lili Taylor will have the answers. She wrote songs about Joe! She understands heartache!

Lili Taylor: My meds aren't working. Allow me to attempt to seduce you in a heartbreaking manner.

John Cusack: Aaaa! Women!

His Girlfriend: Hey, here I am again. Just hanging around your house. I need to pick up more stuff, as I seem to have more stuff than anyone in the world.

[she makes BEDROOM EYES at him]

John Cusack: I hate my life!!

His Girlfriend: My dad died. I am miserable. Have sex with me in this car.

John Cusack: Um…okay. Are we back together?

His Girlfriend: Of course.

Audience: What is up with this girl?

John Cusack: I am having a concert to promote these kids whose album I produced. It was a subplot.

Jack Black: Can my band play? We're called Sonic Death Monkey.*

John Cusack: God, no!

His Girlfriend: Jack Black's band is playing!

John Cusack: Nooooo!

[the BAND plays, and is AWESOME, although they are no TENACIOUS D]

John Cusack: I'm going to make my girlfriend a mix tape. I'm…happy…now?

1 comment:

Miss T said...

What is up with that girl? And as far as I'm concerned Denise Huxtable and Jack Black are the only two good reasons to watch this movie, for my relationship with BOTH Cusacks is also complex.