3.08.2008

Shoot 'Em Up

There is so much awesomely hilarious dialogue in this movie, I couldn't begin to put it all in there. Suffice it to say, it's like someone was like "OH MY GOD IT WOULD BE SO HILARIOUS IF HE SAID..." at the beginning of pretty much every discussion about the lines. Also, a lot of cool-ass shit happens. It's pretty much kind of amazing. If you like guns. Or Clive Owen.
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[it is a CITY]
Clive Owen: [SNACKING on an ENTIRE carrot] Carrots are so delicious, and healthy. Hold on, why is that bad-looking dude chasing that pregnant girl?
[he FOLLOWS them into a WAREHOUSE, where the dude is trying to KILL the girl, so Clive Owen KILLS the dude by SHOVING a carrot into his MOUTH and through the BACK of his HEAD]
Clive Owen: Eat your vegetables.*
[the girl GIVES BIRTH and a bunch of OTHER BAD DUDES show up and there is just the HUGEST FUCKING SHOOTOUT EVER in which Clive Owen SLIDES across the floor for, like, EVER]
Paul Giamatti: Ha HA! You can't use my gun, because it recognizes my thumbprint! And so do all my henchmen's!
Clive Owen: Yeah, I thought of that.
[he uses the SEVERED HAND of one of the HENCHMEN to operate the thumbprint gun]
Clive Owen: Well, I better strap this literally just-born infant to my back and keep it safe, since its mother just got killed.
[he goes up to the ROOF and shoots out the LETTERS in a SIGN so that they spell "FUK U"]
Clive Owen: Fuck you, you fucking fuckers.*
[he JUMPS through a WINDOW with the BABY on his BACK]
Clive Owen: Now I have this baby, which is ridiculous. I don't know how to take care of a baby! I guess I should put a hat on him.
[he takes his SOCK off and puts it on the baby's HEAD]
Clive Owen: I'm going to leave you here on this merry-go-round, baby. Someone is sure to find you.
[Paul Giamatti tries to SHOOT the baby but Clive Owen makes the merry-go-round ROTATE by SHOOTING the bars on it and it is AWESOME and he grabs the baby]
Paul Giamatti: Fuck me sideways.*
Clive Owen: Hi, friendly neighborhood lactating prostitute. Can you take care of this baby for a while?
Monica Bellucci: Get lost!
Paul Giamatti: Where's the baby?
[he BURNS her with the BARREL of his GUN, and is about to KILL her, when Clive Owen LITERALLY says...]
Clive Owen: What's up, doc? [BITES carrot]
[he SHOOTS Paul Giamatti but he is wearing a BULLETPROOF VEST because the movie is SO NOT OVER YET]
Clive Owen: Okay, let's go to my hideout, which can only be accessed via my ingenious rat security system.
Monica Bellucci: Fine. I'll help you. And the baby.
[the BAD GUYS find them and there is another HUGE SHOOTOUT]
Clive Owen: Okay, we gotta get out of here. I think the baby's mother possibly lived near a heavy metal club, since the baby doesn't cry when heavy metal is on.
[they go to a HEAVY METAL CLUB and find a BABY FACTORY with more DEAD MOMS]
Clive Owen: Clearly, someone was harvesting babies for the bone marrow, and someone else doesn't want that person to live. It's the most obvious solution. Let's hang low and try to figure it out.
Monica Bellucci: Also, we should probably have sex at this point.
[they DO, and are SURPRISED by some MORE SHOOTING but Clive Owen is SO AWESOME that he KILLS people even while STILL HAVING SEX]
Clive Owen: Okay, you stay in this tank, and I'll go investigate this gun manufacturer who's trying to kill the baby.
Gun Manufacturer: America is a land of opportunity, where even a pussy can be a tough guy if he's got a gun in his hand. I hope that's not you.
Paul Giamatti: I'm not a pussy with a gun in my hand. I'm a tough guy with a pussy in my hand.*
Clive Owen: Ohhhhkay. This is just getting silly. We need another shootout.
[he sets up the COOLEST SYSTEM EVER involving STRINGS and GUNS so he can shoot, like, A MILLION GUYS]
Clive Owen: I think this senator must be farming the babies, since he is very anti-gun, and the gun guy is the one who wants the baby dead.
Monica Bellucci: Uh...okay.
Clive Owen: Get on a bus and go somewhere. Don't tell me where.
[he takes the BABY and jumps through a MOONROOF and there is a CRAZY CAR CHASE that ends with the REVEAL that it was a FAKE ANIMATRONIC BABY and the REAL baby is still with the WHORE]
Paul Giamatti: Gahhhh! Where the fuck did they get a fake animatronic baby?!?!
Clive Owen: I need to talk to the senator to get this all figured out.
[he is ALLOWED on the senator's PLANE but then a CONSIPRACY is revealed and he SHOOTS the senator and it's time for ANOTHER SHOOTOUT, only this time, IN MIDAIR while FALLING from the PLANE]
Clive Owen: That took a lot out of me.
Paul Giamatti: Just what I needed to capture and torture you!
[he DOES, and BREAKS his FINGERS so Clive Owen can't SHOOT a gun anymore]
Clive Owen: You think you have bested me, but you have not.
[he puts BULLETS between his MANGLED FINGERS and holds his HAND next to the FIRE and SHOOTS Paul Giamatti with his HAND and you're like NO FUCKING WAY]
Clive Owen: I am the awesomest man ever.
[he gets on a BUS and finds the WHORE and the BABY at a DAIRY QUEEN in the STICKS and shows off how he can STILL SHOOT, but he has to use a CARROT to pull the trigger]

6 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

ANIMATRONIC BABY?!

Movie Maven said...

Seriously. There's a little animatronic face and a tape recorder with crying. It's sort of disturbing, really.

John A said...

This was the best movie ever made in which a man (well, men plural) is/are killed with a carrot(s).

You left out my favorite crazy ass stunt in the flick, where Clive Owen shoots out his own windshield and rams a van full of bad guys head-on at full speed, launching himself into the other vehicle where he then kills like 8 henchman before dropping another bad-ass quotable line.

How this film was not up for like a dozen Oscars is beyond me.

You're right though, the animatronic baby was really kind of freaky. And when the hell did he have time to build an animatronic baby?

Sweet writeup.

Emily Sue said...

I love both guns and Clive Owen so this movie made my day. I felt like it was a movie made just for me. But why didn't I hear anything about it when it was in theaters for like a week? I finally just saw this on DVD. The umbilical cord shooting was the most amazingly sick thing I've seen on film.

Mark said...

due to this review, I immediately went to half.com and bought a $3 copy. I anticipate being a really well spent 3 bucks. awesome review. "eat your vegetables!"

Movie Maven said...

Thank god...seriously, this movie is beyond insane (obviously). Enjoy!