[it is NEW YORK in the 1950s]
Jimmy Stewart: Wah wah wah. I broke my leg and I can't do my job, but I have a hot-ass, super-awesome girlfriend and a sassy, no-nonsense nurse to take care of me. But I'm still whining.
[many PHOTOGRAPH-RELATED things are shown to DISPLAY his SKILLS]
Thelma Ritter: I'm here from the insurance company, who apparently sent me to massage you and reprimand you. Why don't you marry that pretty girlfriend of yours?
Jimmy Stewart: She's just too perfect.
Thelma Ritter: Didn't you hear me? I AM NO-NONSENSE AND SASSY. That means what I say it the truth, like it or lump it. Once, it was see somebody, get excited, get married. Now, it's read a lot of books, fence with a lot of four-syllable words, psychoanalyze each other until you can't tell the difference between a petting party and a civil service exam.*
Jimmy Stewart: Get outta here. I have a lot of voyeuring to get done before my girlfriend gets here.
[he WATCHES his neighbors, including a DANCER, a SAD SPINSTER, an UNHAPPY COUPLE, some NEWLYWEDS, and a DOG that rides in a BASKET]
Grace Kelly: Hi! I brought you a lobster dinner and my beautiful self.
Jimmy Stewart: GAH! I don't want to marry you!! You don't understand me! STOP SMOTHERING ME!!
[he is kind of a DICK, but she LOVES him]
Grace Kelly: I won't see you for a long time...at least until tomorrow night.* Because I love you, you asshole.
[Jimmy Stewart WATCHES his neighbors SOME MORE and sees the UNHAPPY SALESMAN leave a bunch of times]
Jimmy Stewart: Now I am suspicious!
[he uses BINOCULARS to look closer and then a TELEPHOTO LENS that is PHALLIC to look EVEN CLOSER and notices MORE SUSPICIOUS THINGS]
Grace Kelly: I told you I'd be back. Let's make out.
Jimmy Stewart: I think my neighbor killed his wife! She's GONE!
Grace Kelly: You're crazy.
[they see the neighbor TIE UP a HUGE fucking CRATE and his wife's PURSE and JEWELRY are still there]
Grace Kelly: Okay, maybe not.
[Jimmy Stewart calls his COP FRIEND, who ALSO tells him he is CRAZY]
Jimmy Stewart: What do you need? Bloody footsteps leading up to the door?*
Cop Friend: One thing I don't need is heckling.*
Grace Kelly: YOU said I couldn't pack in one suitcase. BUT LOOK! I have a sexy, sexy negligee in this suitcase. That's all I need to stay here and solve this mystery with you.
Jimmy Stewart: Now that you believe that my neighbor killed his wife, I want to bone you.
Cop Friend: Seriously, you guys, he did NOT kill his wife. We have, like, a million pieces of extremely sketchy and unconfirmed evidence.
Jimmy Stewart: Whatevs. Get out of here so my girlfriend can change into her sexy nightie.
[she DOES and it is SEXY]
Dog-in-a-Basket Owner: Someone killed my dog! YOU'RE ALL TERRIBLE PEOPLE!
Grace Kelly: That dog knew too much.*
[they send a NOTE to the SALESMAN and then SCHEME to get him OUT of his APARTMENT so the women can go DIG in the GARDEN]
Thelma Ritter: [SHRUGS because there is NOTHING THERE]
Grace Kelly: You know, I've always wanted to climb through a window in a beautiful dress and delicate shoes. BEST. PLAN. EVER.
[she CLIMBS through an OPEN WINDOW into the SALESMAN'S APARTMENT to do some SNOOPING]
Jimmy Stewart: Oh no! The sad spinster is going to kill herself!
Thelma Ritter: Oh no! We missed the salesman returning because we were distracted by the sad spinster!
[the salesman FINDS Grace Kelly and tries to KILL her and Jimmy Stewart is LITERALLY IMPOTENT but then the POLICE arrive and ARREST her for BURGLARY]
Jimmy Stewart: But look! She got the wife's wedding ring! I have never been so attracted to her as I am right now.
[he calls his COP FRIEND to BAIL her OUT, but accidentally BUSTS himself when the SALESMAN calls]
Jimmy Stewart: Shiiiiiiiiit.
[there is a RIDICULOUSLY SUSPENSEFUL SEQUENCE while we WAIT for the salesman to GET THERE]
Salesman: Why didn't you turn me in?
Jimmy Stewart: Take THAT!
[he flashes FLASHBULBS in his FACE to DISTRACT him, but the SALESMAN does not have a BROKEN LEG and tries to THROW him out the WINDOW]
Police: We're here and everything is cool. Apparently he moved whatever was buried in the garden to a hatbox in his apartment. Want to see?
Thelma Ritter: I don't want any part of it.* Gross.
Grace Kelly: Let's get married, since solving this gruesome murder of a wife by her husband has somehow changed your mind about me being too perfect.
[everyone is HAPPY in the courtyard except the NEWLYWEDS, who are FIGHTING]