3.19.2008

Psycho


[it is PHOENIX in the 1960s]
Janet Leigh: I'm so conflicted. I love my man, but we have such a sordid affair, and he has to pay his bitch ex-wife alimony, and he lives in a tiny room, and we have to have sex in tawdry hotels. Why can't something come along that could solve all of our problems??
Her Boss: Please take this $40,000 in cash from this blustery businessman to the bank.
Janet Leigh: That's IT! Hooray for MacGuffins!
[she goes home and PACKS and does NOT take the money to the BANK]
Janet Leigh: Thus have I chosen the wrong path.
[some MUSIC plays to ILLUMINATE the WRONGNESS]
Janet Leigh: Oh my. This music is certainly ominous. And tiring!
[she FALLS ASLEEP on the SIDE of the ROAD]
Police Officer: You're going to need to leave.
Janet Leigh: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! DON'T SUSPECT ME!!!
Police Officer: Uh...okay.
Janet Leigh: I gotta ditch this car, man.
[she TRADES it in for a NEW CAR in a HASTY manner]
Janet Leigh: Shit! I thought the ominous music might stop with a new car, but no.
[she IMAGINES what everyone is SAYING and her GUILT is APPARENT]
Janet Leigh: I'll just stop at this terrifying-looking motel here.
Anthony Perkins: Hi. Welcome. You're pretty. No one else is staying here. Don't be scared. Want some food?
Janet Leigh: Sure, socially awkward man.
[she HEARS him ARGUING with his MOTHER about how he has a CHEAP EROTIC MIND]
Anthony Perkins: We may have to eat in the parlor, which is full of taxidermied birds. I hope that's cool.
Janet Leigh: Suuuuure...so, what's up with your mom?
Anthony Perkins: DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MOM! SHE'S NOT CRAZY!!!
She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.*
Janet Leigh: You have reminded me that I have made a rash decision by stealing that cash. I better go remedy it.
[she goes to her ROOM to PACK and feel GUILTY some more]
Janet Leigh: You know what would be good? A nice shower.
[Mother STORMS in and KILLS her and it's TERRIFYING even though you NEVER see the KNIFE go in and the BLOOD is CHOCOLATE SYRUP]
Anthony Perkins: Mother! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[he CLEANS UP after Mother and PUSHES the CAR into a SWAMP]
Anthony Perkins: Surely, no one will find her here. She wasn't even using her real name!
[meanwhile, in PHOENIX]
Everyone: Where's Janet Leigh?
Blustery Businessman: Where's my money?
Detective: I'll find her. It'll be easy, I'll just stop at a bunch of dilapidated motels until I find the right one.
[he DOES]
Detective: So, have you seen this girl?
Anthony Perkins: [gives the SKETCHIEST ANSWER in the history of DETECTIVE WORK]
Detective:
If it doesn't gel, it isn't aspic, and this ain't gelling.*
[he goes to INTERROGATE Mother, but is KILLED before he can DO SO and it is WAY STARTLING]
Janet Leigh's Sister: Maybe we should go see if that detective has found anything else.
[they go to the MOTEL and it looks DESERTED but REALLY it is NOT]
Janet Leigh's Boyfriend: Well, nothing going on here...except creepiness. Why won't that old lady respond to our hollers? Let's talk to the sheriff.
Sheriff Pajamas: You went to the Bates place? And saw an old woman? That's impossible - Mrs. Bates killed her lover and herself ten years ago.
Sister and Boyfriend:
Whaaaaaa?
[meanwhile, back at the BATES MOTEL]
Anthony Perkins: Mother, you have to go in the fruit cellar a while.
Mother: You think I'm fruity?!?*
Boyfriend: We better search this motel. Something funny's going on here.
[they DO, and find PAPER with the number 40,000 on it, which PROVES that something HAPPENED, apparently]
Sister: I'll search the house while you keep the creepy antisocial guy occupied.
[she DOES, and finds a bunch of WEIRD-ASS SHIT, including the DESSICATED BODY of Mother]
Anthony Perkins [in a WIG and DRESS]: Now I will KILL YOU!!
[the BOYFRIEND stops him as the MUMMY looks CREEPY]
Psychiatrist: He has a multiple personality disorder, or something. And an Oedipus complex. And he's basically just crazy.
Anthony Perkins:
I'm not even gonna swat that fly. I hope they are watching. They'll see. They'll see and they'll know and they'll say, 'Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly.'*

4 comments:

BeckEye said...

When "mother" says, "You think I'm fruity, do you?" I always laugh. That's one of the greatest lines ever. The last line is also one of the greats.

That pyschiatrist at the end is so ridiculous. It's so "Bad Old-Timey Acting 101." But I love the guy (I forget who says it) who just blurts out, while the doc is explaining the cross-dressing, "He's a transvestite!"

Movie Maven said...

Ooh, I forgot about that guy! He's like the Luke Skywalker of that scene.

Laura said...

This movie ruined my life.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Surveys suggest that 80% of the American public refuses to shower when home alone and/or in a hotel.*

This movie is amazing, but I do think it's hilarious how "clues" in old movies almost universally do not make sense. I think viewers were maybe less picky about that stuff than we are now? Law & Order has ruined us.




* Lies