William H. Macy: Okay, so I've got this plan, see, this plan for you guys to kidnap my wife and we'll split the ransom you get from my overbearing father-in-law. It's perfect, no way at all it could go wrong. Here's a car from my father-in-law's dealership.
Steve Buscemi: Sounds good. We'll get some pancakes and get laid on the way.
[they DO]
William H. Macy: YOU HAVE TO GET THE SEALANT ON THE CAR. I'm sorry, customers, my personal problems are surfacing here.
Father-in-Law: I know I told you earlier that I wouldn't do business with you, but now I have decided I will, so there's no need for you to extort money from anyone...in case you were planning to.
William H. Macy: Shit.
[EVERYTHING goes WRONG and he tries to CANCEL the kidnapping but CAN'T and his wife gets KIDNAPPED after running around in a SHOWER CURTAIN]
William H. Macy: SHIT. I am the worst husband ever.
[meanwhile, in the KIDNAPPERS' CAR]
Steve Buscemi: Hey! Keep it still back there, lady, or we'll kill ya!
[they get PULLED OVER and kill a COP and some ONLOOKERS and it is CRAZY BLOODY]
Peter Stormare: [extremely SCARY silence]
[meanwhile, in a ROOM with pictures of DUCKS in it]
Frances McDormand: Oh God. Gotta get up and get to a triple homicide scene, and I'm pretty darn pregnant! Thanks fer the eggs, hon.
[she SURVEYS the scene and is CLEARLY a SMART detective, though she has MORNING SICKNESS]
Deputy: Looks like we got a guy with plates that start with DLR.
Frances McDormand: I think those might be dealer plates, there.
Deputy: Oh. Geez.*
Frances McDormand: Ya hear about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he changed his name to J3L 2404?*
Deputy: Yah. That's a good one.*
[meanwhile, at a CABIN, Mrs. William H. Macy tries to ESCAPE but only succeeds in RUNNING AROUND AIMLESSLY and it is HILARIOUS]
Steve Buscemi: [laughs]
Peter Stormare: [extremely SCARY silence]
[meanwhile, in a MOTEL]
Frances McDormand: So, you're hookers. What can you tell me about these guys you stayed with the other night?
Hooker: Well, the little guy was funny-lookin'. He wasn't circumcised.*
Frances McDormand: Is that it?
Hooker: Yah.
[meanwhile, at the CAR DEALERSHIP]
Steve Buscemi [on phone]: We're gonna need more money. We killed some people. Yeah. Sorry about that.
William H. Macy: But the plan! It was so perfect! GAH!
[meanwhile, in MINNEAPOLIS, where the sheriff has TRACKED DOWN the INTERMEDIARY]
Frances McDormand: Just investigatin' a murder and some stolen vehicles, here! Know anything about it?
William H. Macy: Uh...no.
[he OBVIOUSLY does]
Frances McDormand: All right! I'm savin' yer reaction in my detective's brain.
High School Boyfriend: So good to see you, sheriff! I know you're married and pregnant, but here is my sad life story about my dead wife. Maybe you'll make out with me now?
Frances McDormand: Uh...no.
[meanwhile, in the PARKING RAMP where the EXCHANGE is to take place]
Father-in-Law: Give me my daughter!
Steve Buscemi: Give me my money!
[he SHOOTS the father-in-law and the father-in-law shoots HIM in the FACE and the father-in-law ends up DEAD, with GOOSE DOWN everywhere]
William H. Macy: Oh, geez.*
[some more CLUES are found that lead the PREGGERS SHERIFF to the CABIN where the KIDNAPPERS are]
Steve Buscemi: I got shot in the fucking face, man! I WANT THAT FUCKING CUTLASS CIERA!
Peter Stormare: [KILLS him with an AXE like PAUL BUNYAN and puts him in the WOOD CHIPPER]
Frances McDormand: Oh dear. Oh geez. Look at this. His foot's still stickin' right outta the wood chipper! Ya killed all these people just fer some money. That's just not right. Now I gotta arrest ya.
[she DOES]
Her Husband: My paintin's goin' on a stamp.
Frances McDormand: I unraveled a huge web of lies and murder. But a stamp's good too.


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Thanks, Ultra-Condensed Movie Reviews, for watching these extremely gory movies for me so that I don't have to!

Emily Sue said...

I never understood why the scene with the old high school friend was in there, but I love it.
I want to see this movie right now!

Movie Maven said...

Dude, me too!! I love that Mike Yaganita.

Miss T said...

Sorry. Stopped reading after the words "Steve Buscemi...get laid." Ew.