2.04.2008

The Little Mermaid

[it is THE SEA]
Triton, the Sea King: Here are all of my singing daughters. Aren’t they beautiful? And obedient? And aren't those antiquated traits to value in a daughter?
[they sing a SONG that ENDS ABRUPTLY when the YOUNGEST is NOT in her ASSIGNED SHELL]
Triton: ARIELLLLLLLLLL!!! Why are you so MODERNNNNN???
Ariel: La, la, la…I’m such a brave princess! I want to discover life outside the ocean! Come on, trusty sidekick…let’s get into some trouble.
Buddy Hackett: This is a dinglehopper.
Audience of Children: That's really a fork! You so crazy, Scuttle!
Ariel: Human life is soooooo awesome.
[she SINGS about FORKS and WALKING and LEGS]
Triton: I’m very disappointed in you for missing the concert.
Sebastian, his Crab Sidekick: Yes, and I am very Jamaican.
Ariel: Look! A ship! They have LEGS! That must be SO COOL!
[there is a SHIPWRECK and the HANDSOME PRINCE Eric almost DROWNS but she SAVES him and falls INSTANTLY in LOVE with him]
Ariel: You are so handsome that it makes me want to sit on this rock and sing a reprise!
[she DOES SO]
Sea Witch: I just got the BEST IDEA. We’ll trick the princess into giving me her voice to me and then she’ll be OURS!
Hench-Eels: Yesssssssssss. We’ll go get her.
Sebastian: Oh, this is not good. A mermaid and a human may fall in love, but where will they live? So many echoes of society.
[he SINGS about how being UNDERWATER is AWESOME, with the help of MANY MUSICAL SEA CREATURES]
Sebastian: Where’d she go?
Ariel: I need to go be in my grotto for a while and gaze at this statue of the handsome prince.
[her father DISCOVERS her GROTTO and DESTROYS it]
Ariel: You'll be sorry! Now I'm rebelling!!
[she goes to URSULA'S PLACE through a field of WRAITHS
Ariel: Hi. I heard you do spells. Can I get some legs? They look SO COOL!
Sea Witch: Suuuuuure.
[she SINGS about how she is NOT MEAN, though she actually is SUPER MEAN]
Sea Witch: Oh, and I’ll need your voice as payment.
Ariel: But that’s my main attraction! Well, that and my naturally bouncy red hair, my wide, lovely eyes, my impossibly tiny waist, my delicate feet, my perfectly clear skin…
Sea Witch: YEAH. WE GET IT. You’re cute. You’ll be fine as a mute. Just make sure you kiss him within three days, or ELSE.
[she does a SPELL that involves the word LARYNGITIS, causing Ariel to GROW LEGS]
Ariel: [SILENCE]
Prince Eric: Hey, a hot girl wrapped in a tarp! She looks weirdly familiar. Come on, strange
girl. Let’s go to the palace.
[they HANG OUT and he is AMUSED by her SILENT ANTICS with a FORK and a PIPE]
Sebastian: I can’t help you get him to kiss you right now, for I am being chased by a singing French chef. But you got to pukkah your lips...LIKE DIS.*
Prince Eric: I really like you, though I have never heard you speak. Let’s ride in a boat and be romantic.
Sebastian: He has to kiss her or the sea witch will win!!! I shall use my skills at organizing woodland and aquatic creatures to help the wooing process along.
[they SING and it is MARVELOUS, but the HENCH-EELS upset the boat BEFORE they can KISS]
Sea Witch: That was a close one! I’ve got to re-evaluate my plan.
[she somehow INGESTS Ariel’s VOICE and SHAPE-SHIFTS into a HOT BRUNETTE]
Prince Eric: Well, I really prefer redheads, but that voice…it’s…hypnotizing me…
[he is LITERALLY under her SPELL]
Buddy Hackett: Gahhhhhh!! We have to help Ariel stop the wedding, which for some reason is happening on a boat!
[they DRAG Ariel in a BARREL and she CRASHES the wedding, but it is TOO LATE]
Sea Witch: Muhahahaha!!! Now I have you!!
Triton: Wait!! Take me instead! Shrink me into a wraith or whatever the hell you do to people when they don’t pay.
Sea Witch: Suckaaaaaaa!!! Now I’m going to kill Prince Eric!!
Ariel: Oh HELLLLL no!!
[she PULLS on her HAIR so Ursula MISSES Eric and shoots her HENCH-EELS]
Sea Witch: Noooooo!!! My poopsies!*
[she is PISSED and gets RIDICULOUSLY HUGE]
Sea Witch: Now I will entrap you in a whirlpool for some reason, though I could just squash you or something. Stay down there while I shoot and miss many, many times!
[Prince Eric SPIKES her with a BOAT and she goes DOWN]
Prince Eric: Oh…the girl with the voice was you all along. Sweet.
Triton: Though I am baffled at why you like these “legs” so much, I see that you are happy on land. Here. Have some legs and a sparkly blue dress so you’re not naked.
[everyone SINGS]

4 comments:

John A said...

Super awesome. My 4 year old is obsessed with this movie. Which means I've seen it, what 200 times now? More if you throw in the sequel. And the YouTube videos of the stage show. Such sweet torture.

I'm disturbed that Prince Eric qualifies this post for the "Hot Hot Men" genre. Unless you're talking about King Triton, which is cool too.

In return, I must link to this.

http://www.fanpop.com/spots/being-a-man/soapbox/41

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Best movie ever!

Mandy said...

Love the line about ultra-thin waists and perfect skin . . . what is it with female Disney characters? How damn damaging is that?!

bianca said...

i loved it iam a big fan of ariel ariel is the best disney character i ever met i met ariel a long time a go i can turn into a real mermaid is that cool or what. i know ariels phone number 4964354. and iam 11 iam going to be 12 in september 3 my birthday is coming so i love you by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.