The Little Mermaid

[it is THE SEA]
Triton, the Sea King: Here are all of my singing daughters. Aren’t they beautiful? And obedient? And aren't those antiquated traits to value in a daughter?
[they sing a SONG that ENDS ABRUPTLY when the YOUNGEST is NOT in her ASSIGNED SHELL]
Triton: ARIELLLLLLLLLL!!! Why are you so MODERNNNNN???
Ariel: La, la, la…I’m such a brave princess! I want to discover life outside the ocean! Come on, trusty sidekick…let’s get into some trouble.
Buddy Hackett: This is a dinglehopper.
Audience of Children: That's really a fork! You so crazy, Scuttle!
Ariel: Human life is soooooo awesome.
[she SINGS about FORKS and WALKING and LEGS]
Triton: I’m very disappointed in you for missing the concert.
Sebastian, his Crab Sidekick: Yes, and I am very Jamaican.
Ariel: Look! A ship! They have LEGS! That must be SO COOL!
[there is a SHIPWRECK and the HANDSOME PRINCE Eric almost DROWNS but she SAVES him and falls INSTANTLY in LOVE with him]
Ariel: You are so handsome that it makes me want to sit on this rock and sing a reprise!
[she DOES SO]
Sea Witch: I just got the BEST IDEA. We’ll trick the princess into giving me her voice to me and then she’ll be OURS!
Hench-Eels: Yesssssssssss. We’ll go get her.
Sebastian: Oh, this is not good. A mermaid and a human may fall in love, but where will they live? So many echoes of society.
[he SINGS about how being UNDERWATER is AWESOME, with the help of MANY MUSICAL SEA CREATURES]
Sebastian: Where’d she go?
Ariel: I need to go be in my grotto for a while and gaze at this statue of the handsome prince.
[her father DISCOVERS her GROTTO and DESTROYS it]
Ariel: You'll be sorry! Now I'm rebelling!!
[she goes to URSULA'S PLACE through a field of WRAITHS
Ariel: Hi. I heard you do spells. Can I get some legs? They look SO COOL!
Sea Witch: Suuuuuure.
[she SINGS about how she is NOT MEAN, though she actually is SUPER MEAN]
Sea Witch: Oh, and I’ll need your voice as payment.
Ariel: But that’s my main attraction! Well, that and my naturally bouncy red hair, my wide, lovely eyes, my impossibly tiny waist, my delicate feet, my perfectly clear skin…
Sea Witch: YEAH. WE GET IT. You’re cute. You’ll be fine as a mute. Just make sure you kiss him within three days, or ELSE.
[she does a SPELL that involves the word LARYNGITIS, causing Ariel to GROW LEGS]
Ariel: [SILENCE]
Prince Eric: Hey, a hot girl wrapped in a tarp! She looks weirdly familiar. Come on, strange
girl. Let’s go to the palace.
[they HANG OUT and he is AMUSED by her SILENT ANTICS with a FORK and a PIPE]
Sebastian: I can’t help you get him to kiss you right now, for I am being chased by a singing French chef. But you got to pukkah your lips...LIKE DIS.*
Prince Eric: I really like you, though I have never heard you speak. Let’s ride in a boat and be romantic.
Sebastian: He has to kiss her or the sea witch will win!!! I shall use my skills at organizing woodland and aquatic creatures to help the wooing process along.
[they SING and it is MARVELOUS, but the HENCH-EELS upset the boat BEFORE they can KISS]
Sea Witch: That was a close one! I’ve got to re-evaluate my plan.
[she somehow INGESTS Ariel’s VOICE and SHAPE-SHIFTS into a HOT BRUNETTE]
Prince Eric: Well, I really prefer redheads, but that voice…it’s…hypnotizing me…
[he is LITERALLY under her SPELL]
Buddy Hackett: Gahhhhhh!! We have to help Ariel stop the wedding, which for some reason is happening on a boat!
[they DRAG Ariel in a BARREL and she CRASHES the wedding, but it is TOO LATE]
Sea Witch: Muhahahaha!!! Now I have you!!
Triton: Wait!! Take me instead! Shrink me into a wraith or whatever the hell you do to people when they don’t pay.
Sea Witch: Suckaaaaaaa!!! Now I’m going to kill Prince Eric!!
Ariel: Oh HELLLLL no!!
[she PULLS on her HAIR so Ursula MISSES Eric and shoots her HENCH-EELS]
Sea Witch: Noooooo!!! My poopsies!*
[she is PISSED and gets RIDICULOUSLY HUGE]
Sea Witch: Now I will entrap you in a whirlpool for some reason, though I could just squash you or something. Stay down there while I shoot and miss many, many times!
[Prince Eric SPIKES her with a BOAT and she goes DOWN]
Prince Eric: Oh…the girl with the voice was you all along. Sweet.
Triton: Though I am baffled at why you like these “legs” so much, I see that you are happy on land. Here. Have some legs and a sparkly blue dress so you’re not naked.
[everyone SINGS]