2.04.2008

Beauty and the Beast

[it is PROVINCIAL FRANCE]
Townspeople: Belle sure is pretty, but also weird. Let’s sing
about it.
[they DO, and conduct BUSINESS at the SAME TIME]
Belle: I love books! Girls, don’t you love reading?!? My friends the sheep also love books.
Sheep: Book pages are delicious!
[she SINGS and is BEAUTIFUL but also SMART because she READS]
Gaston: Hey, hot stuff. Wanna get married?
Belle: Ew. No. Get lost.
Gaston Groupies: She’s so stupid!
[her father INVENTS a THING and decides to take it to THE FAIR]
Father: I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry about me – I’m just going to take the shortcut through the wolf-infested forest.
Phillippe, the Horse: Peace out!
[he finds a CASTLE and goes IN to escape the SPOOKINESS]
Beast: RRRAARRRGH! Get out of my castle!! Wait, no! Get in my jail!!
Belle: I wonder where my father is…
[she is SPUNKY, so she goes to FIND him]
Objects in the Castle: A girl!! Sweet! Now we can be human again! She just has to fall in love with the beast!
[he ROARS and everyone is like CRAP, they are NOT falling in love ANYTIME soon]
Beast: If I let your father go, you have to stay here.
Belle: Fine. I love it here. Whatever. I’ll be in my room.
[meanwhile, back at the TAVERN]
Gaston: I’m awesome! Sing me a hearty tune about how swell I am!
His Sidekick: It will definitely involve your skill at spitting!
Gaston: Hey! I just had an idea! I’ll throw Belle’s dad in the loony bin, and then she’ll HAVE to marry me! That’s SURE to work, and to gain her love!
[back at the ENCHANTED CASTLE]
Belle: Now I’m hungry.
[the CANDLESTICK sings her a SONG about how she should EAT MORE while the PLATES and SPOONS do a DANCE]
Belle: I guess it’s not so bad here. Not all spooky woodland castles have dancing flatware. But what’s in this specifically-forbidden area of the castle? I better look.
Beast: Get ouuuuuuuut!!!!
[she tries to RUN AWAY but is ATTACKED by the WOLVES and then SAVED by the BEAST]
Beast: If you want to read, I have a library.
Objects in the Castle: They love each other!!! The library proves it!
[they SING and CAVORT in the SNOW and are generally ADORABLE]
Belle: I can see in this magic mirror that my father is sick. I gotta go.
[he LETS her go because he is NICE now]
Objects in the Castle: Shit!!
[she FINDS her father and goes HOME but Gaston’s IDIOT HENCHMAN is there]
Gaston: So…your father’s getting locked up, eh? If you marry me, I’ll make it all go away, because I’m a manly man.
Belle: You jackass! Let my father go! Haven’t I already proven that I am not interested in outside appearances??
Gaston: Hey…what’s up with this beast in this magic mirror? He looks scary, but defeatable.
Belle: Don’t you talk about him like that!
Gaston: Gross! You love him! I’m going to round up an unruly mob with my hearty singing.
[they MARCH to the CASTLE with PITCHFORKS and other MOB PARAPHERNALIA]
Beast: Whatevs. I’m depressed. Let them kill me.
Objects in the castle: ATTACK!
[the OBJECTS fight the PEOPLE in a HILARIOUS manner]
Gaston: I will take you down, beast!
[they FIGHT on the ROOF and Gaston FALLS to his DEATH, but not before MORTALLY WOUNDING the beast]
Belle: Noooooooooooo!!! Your kind soul has trumped your ugly exterior! I love you!
[MAGIC FINGER LASERS come out of the beast’s hands and he is RESTORED to his former HOTNESS, though he is actually sort of WEIRD-LOOKING]
Objects, Who Are Now People: Yay! We didn’t age when we were living as animate objects! [everyone SINGS]

3 comments:

Russell said...

I think this should end with Lumiere saying "I'm not gay!" ;)

I've never actually seen this, so why was he a beast in the first place? Did he cheat on his taxes?

John A said...

Because he didn't let some creepy old woman who came up to his door with a flower stay in the castle overnight unannounced.

So, for the offense of not letting in the wierd old woman, he's sentenced to be a weird beast forever. And for some reason, his servants get screwed too. Sucks to be a servant.

Disney writers are spiteful sons of bitches.

Plus, Lumiere was voiced by Jerry Orbach, the epitome of old school masculinity. It's Cogsworth who was gay.

BeckEye said...

Beauty and the Beast is one of my all-time favorite movies. But the prince seriously looks like a girly man. I would totally take the Beast any day. Robbie Benson, yo! (Who kind of looks like a girly man too.)