Townspeople: Belle sure is pretty, but also weird. Let’s sing
[they DO, and conduct BUSINESS at the SAME TIME]
Belle: I love books! Girls, don’t you love reading?!? My friends the sheep also love books.
Sheep: Book pages are delicious!
[she SINGS and is BEAUTIFUL but also SMART because she READS]
Gaston: Hey, hot stuff. Wanna get married?
Belle: Ew. No. Get lost.
Gaston Groupies: She’s so stupid!
[her father INVENTS a THING and decides to take it to THE FAIR]
Father: I’ll be back soon! Don’t worry about me – I’m just going to take the shortcut through the wolf-infested forest.
Phillippe, the Horse: Peace out!
[he finds a CASTLE and goes IN to escape the SPOOKINESS]
Beast: RRRAARRRGH! Get out of my castle!! Wait, no! Get in my jail!!
Belle: I wonder where my father is…
[she is SPUNKY, so she goes to FIND him]
Objects in the Castle: A girl!! Sweet! Now we can be human again! She just has to fall in love with the beast!
[he ROARS and everyone is like CRAP, they are NOT falling in love ANYTIME soon]
Beast: If I let your father go, you have to stay here.
Belle: Fine. I love it here. Whatever. I’ll be in my room.
[meanwhile, back at the TAVERN]
Gaston: I’m awesome! Sing me a hearty tune about how swell I am!
His Sidekick: It will definitely involve your skill at spitting!
Gaston: Hey! I just had an idea! I’ll throw Belle’s dad in the loony bin, and then she’ll HAVE to marry me! That’s SURE to work, and to gain her love!
[back at the ENCHANTED CASTLE]
Belle: Now I’m hungry.
[the CANDLESTICK sings her a SONG about how she should EAT MORE while the PLATES and SPOONS do a DANCE]
Belle: I guess it’s not so bad here. Not all spooky woodland castles have dancing flatware. But what’s in this specifically-forbidden area of the castle? I better look.
Beast: Get ouuuuuuuut!!!!
[she tries to RUN AWAY but is ATTACKED by the WOLVES and then SAVED by the BEAST]
Beast: If you want to read, I have a library.
Objects in the Castle: They love each other!!! The library proves it!
[they SING and CAVORT in the SNOW and are generally ADORABLE]
Belle: I can see in this magic mirror that my father is sick. I gotta go.
[he LETS her go because he is NICE now]
Objects in the Castle: Shit!!
[she FINDS her father and goes HOME but Gaston’s IDIOT HENCHMAN is there]
Gaston: So…your father’s getting locked up, eh? If you marry me, I’ll make it all go away, because I’m a manly man.
Belle: You jackass! Let my father go! Haven’t I already proven that I am not interested in outside appearances??
Gaston: Hey…what’s up with this beast in this magic mirror? He looks scary, but defeatable.
Belle: Don’t you talk about him like that!
Gaston: Gross! You love him! I’m going to round up an unruly mob with my hearty singing.
[they MARCH to the CASTLE with PITCHFORKS and other MOB PARAPHERNALIA]
Beast: Whatevs. I’m depressed. Let them kill me.
Objects in the castle: ATTACK!
[the OBJECTS fight the PEOPLE in a HILARIOUS manner]
Gaston: I will take you down, beast!
[they FIGHT on the ROOF and
Belle: Noooooooooooo!!! Your kind soul has trumped your ugly exterior! I love you!
[MAGIC FINGER LASERS come out of the beast’s hands and he is RESTORED to his former HOTNESS, though he is actually sort of WEIRD-LOOKING]
Objects, Who Are Now People: Yay! We didn’t age when we were living as animate objects! [everyone SINGS]