Three things I learned from Jodhaa-Akbar:
1. Bollywood movies RULE in many areas, including reaction shots and completely dramatic music.
2. Bollywood movies can be very, very long and include an intermission.
3. Hrithik Roshan is ridiculously hot.
[it is HINDUSTAN, which we know as INDIA]
Distinguished-Sounding Narrator: So there was a boy born in Amer, and there was also this girl born there, and then he became the emperor, and the girl grew up to be a princess whose father took over the throne of his dead brother, meaning that her cousin basically got screwed. But he still loved her like she was his sister, so that was cool.
Mean Councillor: Behead this man!
Jalal as a Boy: No. He is already weak. That would be unfair.
Mean Councillor: Fine! I'll do it then!
[you can ALREADY TELL that Jalal is a GOOD GUY from this action]
Jodhaa's Dad: You are betrothed to the son of this other king so our tribes can form an alliance.
Jodhaa as a Girl: Uh...cool?
Distinguished-Sounding Narrator: So then they both grew up.
Jalal: Let's get a bunch more provinces by defeating them in battle so we can have a united Hindustan and I can rule fairly!
[there are, like, A MILLION battles and an ELEPHANT steps on a dude's HEAD]
Jodhaa: You can see that I am a woman unlike most women, for I have learned to swordfight. Cousin-brother, I'll make sure my dad lets you rule like you should have.
[her dad names SOME GUY as his HELPER and it is a BETRAYAL]
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: This is ridiculous! I'm going to go seek help from the emperor's brother-in-law.
Jalal's Brother-in-Law: Okay, if I help you regain your rightful place as the ruler of Amer, you need to help me defeat the emperor.
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: Uh...that sounds okay, I guess.
Jodhaa's Dad: Shit! The emperor really wants to take over, and if we refuse, he'll start a battle. Since I am a good ruler, I don't want my people to die, so let's just concede, other tribes.
Other Tribe Rulers: No way, man!
Dad of Jodhaa's Betrothed:
Oh, and your daughter can't marry my son, either!
Jodhaa's Dad: Ummm...now what? Okay, I got it! Jodhaa can marry the emperor so we can have an alliance! EASY!
Jodhaa: Uh, Dad...he's Muslim. We're HINDU. Hello??
Jodhaa's Dad: I'm sure it'll be fine.
[he visits the IMPERIAL PALACE, where Jalal is TRAINING ELEPHANTS by JUMPING on them, because once you RIDE an elephant, it is IMMEDIATELY TAME]
Jalal: Hindu princess, eh? I gotta go check with Allah real quick about this.
Some Advisers: Pilgrims are getting attacked on the road! It runs right through Amer! We need to set up some guards in their territory!
Jalal: I take this as a sign to marry that Hindu princess from Amer.
Everyone: Whaaaaaa??
Messengers: The princess wants to see you in her tent.
[Jalal APPROACHES her tent to the MOST DRAMATIC MUSIC in the WORLD]
Jodhaa: I'll marry you, but you can't make me convert to Islam.
Jalal: I respect your forthrightness and courage. Deal!
[there is a HOORAY FOR GETTING MARRIED dance number while the princess WEEPS in her tent]
Jodhaa's Mom: Here's some poison in case you get really desperate. That's parenting, right there!
[Jalal TOUCHES Jodhaa's VEIL]
Jodhaa: Okay, I know we're married and all, but I'm not that into it. Don't touch me. Just let me sleep in 20 pounds of jewelry.
Jalal's Mom: Hi. This is your home now, so settle on in. Oh, and that's Jalal's wet nurse. He trusts her judgement very highly.
Jalal's Wet Nurse: I do not trust this Hindu princess. I'll get her yet!
[as Jodhaa prays to KRISHNA, Jalal SNEAKS IN and ADMIRES her FAITH with LONGING GAZES]
Jodhaa: Perhaps this guy isn't so bad after all...
[she watches him SHADOW-SWORDFIGHT while he is STRIPPED to the WAIST and SWEATY and CRAZY HOT]
Jodhaa: He is so attractive that I must set down this tray of flowers.
Jalal: I can tell that she is warming to me.
[there is a SONG about FALLING in LOVE with lots of WEIRD METAPHORS]
Son of Jalal's Wet Nurse: Dude! Why can't *I* be the emperor?? I mean, we were raised by the same woman, so clearly we must be the same!!
Jalal: You're a traitor and you kind of suck! Get lost! But here's a province to rule to placate you.
Nice Councillor: So...there are some problems with the books in the province that wet nurse's son is ruling.
Jalal's Wet Nurse's Son: Overlook those!
[he STABS him with a SWORD]
Jalal: You killed my friend! Guards, throw him over this wall!
[the guards THROW him, but he DOESN'T DIE]
Jalal: Bring him back up and throw him again!*
Jodhaa: Now I am conflicted...such anger in him!
[Jalal's wet nurse's ASSISTANT finds the POISON, along with a LETTER she NEVER SENT to her cousin-brother about how SAD she is]
Jalal's Wet Nurse: Ha HA! Now I can frame her!
[she SENDS the LETTER and WARNS Jalal that a PLOT is AFOOT, though one is NOT]
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: I got your letter. I can tell you are suffering.
Jodhaa: No, actually, it's pretty nice here.
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: But...why did you send this, then? Wait a minute...YOU BETRAYED ME!!
[Jodhaa RETURNS HOME in SHAME, even though she did NOTHING WRONG]
Jalal's Mom: Actually, this wet nurse is the one who betrayed you.
Jalal: I have made a terrible mistake!!
[he goes to AMER to WIN Jodhaa BACK]
Jodhaa: You have conquered me, but you have not won my heart.*
Jalal: Okay, let's have a swordfight to decide.
[they FIGHT and he WINS, but she REFUSES to go back with him]
Jalal: Okay, how about this? I'll repeal the pilgrim tax that is only levied on Hindus.
Advisers: We weren't consulted!
Jalal: Shut up.
[there is a HOORAY FOR NO MORE PILGRIM TAX dance number]
Jodhaa: Awesome. Let's go home and finally have sex, or maybe just look at each other and hug for a long time and never kiss on the lips. That's fine too.
Jalal: But first, let me parade around for a while on a majestic steed.
[an ASSASSIN tries to KILL Jalal with a POISON ARROW and for a while you think he's a GONER, but he gets BETTER]
Jalal's Brother-in-Law: Okay, that stupid assassin thing didn't work. Time to get our Plan B rolling.
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: Cool...time to exact my revenge.
[he OVERHEARS Jalal's brother-in-law PLOTTING against him and tries to KILL him but FAILS and then jumps on a HORSE to WARN the emperor and is PURSUED by, like, the WHOLE ARMY, who SHOOT him]
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: I know I'm dying from multiple arrow wounds, but allow me to speak for ten minutes. Your brother-in-law has put an assassin in your camp in the disguise of a royal guard!
Jodhaa's Cousin-Brother: Oh. You're on top of that, I guess. Oh, why did you betray me, Jodhaa?
Jalal: She didn't. My bad.
Jodhaa: Don't die!! I forgive you!!
[he DIES, but with a CLEAN SOUL]
Jalal's Brother-in-Law: Okay, these assassins really aren't working out. I'll just kill him myself!
[they have a HAND-TO-HAND FIGHT on the battlefield and Jalal WINS after a LONG FIGHT]
Jalal: Get lost. All right. Now that everyone's defeated, I can rule and make sure everyone respects each others' religions!
[there is a HOORAY FOR RESPECTING RELIGION dance number]
Distinguished-Sounding Narrator: And that's how it really happened. Well, maybe like a third of that. We made some stuff up, too.


Nicky said...

i'm not sure this constitutes as an ultra-condensed movie review... maybe just a sort of condensed movie review.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

He is ridiculously hot! (I google image searched him.) It kind of annoys me that Indian celebrities hardly ever look Indian though...

Movie Maven said...

That occurred to me at one point during the movie, and I went into a mini-spiral about supporting a society and industry that values whiteness, but then I got distracted by his biceps and jaunty mustache.

Movie Maven said...

@Nicky: I assure you that the ratio of words in my review to minutes in the movie is the same as any of my others. It was THREE AND A HALF HOURS LONG.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

so jaunty! so distracting!

Ilana said...

P.S. I'm pretty sure the Distinguished-Sounding Narrator is, like, the most famous actor in Bollywood. He's also sort of like the the James Earl Jones of Bollywood—but super ridiculously famous.