[it is the 1980s]
Molly Ringwald: Well, I'm 16 now, and my boobs are still too small. Won't I ever catch a break?
Her Family: We're preparing for your sister's wedding!! Go to school! Bye!!!
Molly Ringwald: Great. Now they forgot my birthday. I'm just going to put my fedora on and sulk.
[she fills out a SEX QUIZ and says she's a VIRGIN but she would DO IT with the school's RESIDENT HOTTIE, Jake Ryan]
Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon: Hmmm...that cute redheaded sophomore dropped this. I'll pick it up, unbeknownst to her, and read about how she pines for me. Perhaps my bitch girlfriend isn't so great after all.
Molly Ringwald's BFF: Oh no! I don't have the note! TRAGEDY!!
Molly Ringwald: Worst. Day. Ever.
Anthony Michael Hall: Hey, hot stuff. Somehow I think it's okay to hit on you on the school bus, though I am crazy geeky. Hear the theme to Dragnet in the background? That's my jam.
Molly Ringwald: Gaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! My life sucks!!!
[she gets HOME and her GRANDPARENTS are in her ROOM and her one grandma FEELS HER UP]
Molly Ringwald: I am so embarrassed, for I am a typical teen!!
Surprisingly Racist Foreign Exchange Student: Herrrrrro!!!! I am Long Duck Dong, which is a hilarious name! View my hijinks!
Grandma: Take this hilarious foreigner to your school dance, honey! That won't be embarrassing AT ALL!
Molly Ringwald: GAAAAAHHHH!!!
[she GOES to the DANCE and STARES at Jake Ryan, who CATCHES her, so she HIDES in the AUTO SHOP]
John Cusack: Though I am a teen, and playing a geek right now, I am still oddly attractive, and speak in the voice I shall have until I am 40. I bet you can't get with that sophomore.
Anthony Michael Hall: I bet I can!! I'll get her panties to prove it.
[he has a HEART-TO-HEART with Molly Ringwald and CONVINCES her to give him her PANTIES, which he DISPLAYS in the BATHROOM]
Nerdy Boys: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!!*
Bitch Girlfriend of Jake Ryan: Oh, I told everyone in the whole school that there's a party at your house. Sorry.
[his house gets TRASHED while he tries to CALL Molly Ringwald, but her GRANDMA answers the PHONE and is a SASSY OLD BROAD]
Surprisingly Racist Foreign Exchange Student: I rove Amelican girlfliend! She velly tall!
Lumberjack Chick: Thanks for lending me the Donger. He's pretty bitchin'.*
Molly Ringwald: Okay, I am a totally cute girl, and this guy is some sort of retarded foreigner, and HE can get a girlfriend. What the HELL? I'm going home and going to bed. On the couch.
Her Dad: Hey...sorry we forgot your birthday. Let's have an awkward heart-to-heart.
[meanwhile, back at the PARTY]
Bitch Girlfriend of Jake Ryan: Jaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaake!!! Let me iiiiiiinnnnn!!
[he SHUTS the DOOR on her 80s-TASTIC HAIR, causing her friends to LOP IT OFF with a HUGE scissors]
Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon: God! Why can't I get the girl I really want, though I am clearly what girls might call a "stone cold fox"?
Anthony Michael Hall: Let me out from under this table and I'll make you a martini and we can talk about it.
[he MIXES DRINKS whilst listening to "New York, New York" and eating PRETZELS]
Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon: Okay, listen. If you give me that redheaded girl's panties, you can drive my bitchy girlfriend home in my dad's Rolls-Royce, and if you're really lucky, maybe she'll be too drunk to resist you when you date-rape her.
Anthony Michael Hall: Sign me up!
[he DRIVES her to his BUDDY'S house to the strains of the DRAGNET THEME, where they take POLAROIDS]
Molly Ringwald: Well, it's my sister's wedding day. Whoop de FREAKING doo.
Her Sister: Woooooo!! I just took way too many muscle relaxants!!
[there are MUSCLE RELAXANT-RELATED SHENANIGANS]
Bitch Girlfriend of Jake Ryan: You know what, nerd? I think I like you.
Anthony Michael Hall: AWESOME! Thanks for foisting this drunk chick on me, man.
Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon: No problem. Now I just have to find that redhead...
Molly Ringwald: God! Now I even missed my sister leaving the church, even though she won't remember it.
[all the CARS pull away to REVEAL Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon and his BITCHIN' 80s RIDE]
Hot 80s Dude Who is Not Matt Dillon: Hey. Wanna go to my house and eat birthday cake in your bridesmaid dress while sitting on a table for some reason?
Molly Ringwald: Do I ever!
[they KISS in the SLOWEST IMAGINABLE MANNER]