Christian Bale: Sigh. Life on this ranch sure is cruel. Why won’t it rain?? Well, at least I have my boys and wife, even though one of them has tuberculosis. And my barn…my beautiful barn.
Bad Dude: Gimme my money!!!
[BURNS down the BARN]
Christian Bale: Nooooooooooo!!!
Gretchen Mol: Oh, that’s great. That’s just FUCKING GREAT. Why didn’t you tell me we owed him money?
Older Son: Dad, why don’t you shoot him? Or do something? Why are you such a fucking pussy?
Christian Bale: Son, I need to teach you something about responsibility and ethics, and shooting a man is not the way to do it. Perhaps some events will transpire to help me teach you this lesson.
[meanwhile, near an ARMORED WAGON, which apparently EXISTED]
Russell Crowe: Okay, guys. Is everyone in place?
Ben Foster: Anything you say…I am the most loyal posse member that ever was. And I’m BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY.
[they TAKE OUT the wagon’s GUARDS and TRAP it with some COWS and then EXPLODE it and shoot EVERYONE except ONE DUDE]
That One Dude: Ha HA! You didn’t kill me! And I’m going to shoot your posse member.
[Russell Crowe SHOOTS the HOSTAGE and the ONE DUDE to prove that he is a BADASS and also that you have to be ON IT to be in his posse]
Peter Fonda: Gaaaahhh…my blood is everywhere…but I’m not dead!!!
[up on a RIDGE, Christian Bale and his SONS see the POSSE]
Russell Crowe: Well, hey there, rancher.
Christian Bale: Look, we just want our cows back.
Russell Crowe: Fine. I respect your way of life. But we’re taking your horses.
[the OUTLAWS go into TOWN, while the FAMILY helps Peter Fonda]
Younger Son: Look, Dad! Those outlaws just left our horses in a convenient location we happened to pass by!
Christian Bale: Hmm…perhaps they aren’t so bad, after all…
[meanwhile, in a SALOON]
Russell Crowe: You look familiar, like a girl I used to know. Well, she was a whore. You’re looking skinny, though. But if you’ve got green eyes, that’s enough to make up for bein’ skinny.
[he TURNS her around and her eyes are NOT GREEN]
Russell Crowe: Well, they don’t have to be green.*
[they go UPSTAIRS and he SKETCHES her to show his SENSITIVE SIDE]
Ben Foster: Hey, armored wagon owner men! I think that armored car just got robbed!
Impressively-Mustachioed Man: Well, why didn’t you do anything?
Ben Foster: They had lots of weapons. They were shooting bullets.*
Christian Bale: We need help for this man!
Alan Tudyk: I am but a poor old west veterinarian! I don’t know how to remove bullets!
[he RISES to the OCCASION]
Peter Fonda: Oh no! I have been treated by an animal doctor! How absurd!
Christian Bale: I’m going to go have a drink and try to talk to that dude who burned down my barn.
Russell Crowe: Well, hey there, rancher. Please allow me to condescend to pay you for your time earlier.
Christian Bale: Please allow ME to keep you here so you can get arrested. Sucka!
[they go back to his RANCH and set up a DECOY WAGON for the rest of the POSSE]
Russell Crowe: Hey.
Gretchen Mol: Please don’t speak to me…your animal sensuality is too much for my fragile sensibilities.
Christian Bale: Pay me $200 and I will help you take this outlaw to the…3:10 TO
Older Son: Dad, can I come? I mean, you’re such a pussy you probably won’t do what needs to be done.
Christian Bale: No! You're just a kid!
[they LEAVE and the son FOLLOWS them because he cannot SEE that his father means WELL]
Russell Crowe: You may think you can subdue me, but you cannot.
[to PROVE this, he KILLS Peter Fonda by throwing him off a CLIFF and this other guy by STABBING him with a FORK and then holding everyone at GUNPOINT]
Older Son: Oh yeah? Sucka! Now I have saved the day by disobeying my father! What a good lesson for me to learn!
[they go through APACHE country and are AMBUSHED and Russell Crowe ESCAPES to a CHINESE LABOR CAMP]
Luke Wilson: We don’t take kindly to your kind around here. Also, I am in this movie.
[Christian Bale and his BOYS come to FREE Russell Crowe and he HELPS them which is sort of WEIRD since they’re taking him to PRISON]
Alan Tudyk: Did you see me hit that guy with a shovel! I rose to the occasion again!
[he gets SHOT and it is SAD]
Christian Bale: Why did you help us, outlaw?
Russell Crowe: I helped myself. I don’t help other people.
[meanwhile, in the DECOY WAGON]
Ben Foster: Free the boss! Wait, you’re not the boss! BURN THE WAGON! I AM CRAZY! We’re going to town!
[they go to the TOWN and offer EVERYONE $200 to SHOOT Christian Bale and his BOYS]
Russell Crowe: Come ON, dude…just set me free and I’ll pay you more than that turd from the wagon company.
Christian Bale: No way. I have ethics to uphold.
Sheriff and Wagon Owner: Um…you’re on your own now, Christian Bale. We don’t want to get shot.
Christian Bale: I WILL TAKE HIM TO THE TRAIN.
[they RUN across the TOWN through a HAIL of BULLETS and it is ANXIETY-INDUCING]
Russell Crowe: Ha HA! Now I will strangle you with my handcuffs!
Christian Bale: Wait!! My wooden leg is not the result of a war victory! It got shot by friendly fire! I’m not a hero to my boys! Spare my pitiful life!
Russell Crowe: Though I have said over and over that I am a bad man and hate helping people, I will help you.
[he gets on the TRAIN and it is GLORIOUS but then Ben Foster SHOOTS Christian Bale]
Russell Crowe: Nooooooooo!! My one good act, sullied!!
[he SHOOTS his ENTIRE POSSE]
Older Son: You did it, paw! You taught me about morals and ethics and stuff! And now you’re dead! That sucks!
Christian Bale: [DIES a HERO]
[the TRAIN leaves with Russell Crowe ON IT, but you KNOW he will escape because his HORSE follows him]