Laura gives us our first live-action Disney flick of Disney Week.
[it is OLDEN TIMES]
Swiss Dad: Family! Are you all right? The storm has ravaged our ship, and everyone onboard is gone!
Swiss Mom: Gah! What shall we do??
Dad: Look, everyone! A glorious tropical island within paddling distance! Good luck for us, huh?
[the SWISS FAMILY saves the LIVESTOCK and some GREAT DANES in an ENDEARING manner and MAKES a SWEET raft to go ASHORE]
Mom: Aaaah! A bug!
Francis, the Precocious Son: Look mom! A baby elephant! This place rules!
[he RIDES the TAME baby ELEPHANT in a CUTE way]
Dad: Let’s go back to the ship and get the rest of our stuff, my strapping older sons.
Fritz, the Hot Son: What’s that in the distance?
Ernst, the Smart/Annoying Son: Pirates!!!
[Dad FLIES a QUARANTINE flag, cause BLOODTHIRSTY PIRATES fear MEASLES, apparently]
Dad: Come on, everyone! Let’s make a shelter out of these discarded ship scraps.
[they BUILD a FUCKING INCREDIBLE treehouse with many ROOMS and RUNNING water and an ORGAN and a goddamn REFRIGERATOR cause they are OVERACHIEVERS]
Francis: Let’s tame wild animals and make them race each other for our amusement.
Mom: This place is pretty nice, what with the tropical weather and feather-beds and all. But I worry that our sons will be virgins forever.
Dad: All right. The boys can take a dangerous journey around the island in search of some ass.
[Fritz and Ernst BUILD another IMPROBABLE raft and SET out on their JOURNEY]
Fritz: I have a sensible idea for where we should go.
Ernst: I have inferiority issues! I take umbrage with your perfectly logical plan! Whine whine whine!
Fritz: Shut up a second. What’s going on beyond that rock?
Old Man: Please let us go! I have lots of money!!
Evil Pirate: No, we want boy! We keep boy! We gay pirates who speak pidgin English!
Androgynous Cabin Boy: Please stop throwing me around!
Fritz: Let’s save them!
[they just like, RUN across the SAND and start UNTYING them while the PIRATES are LOOKING at the OCEAN or SOMETHING]
Evil Pirate: Whaaaa??
Old Man: Leave me!
Androgynous Cabin Boy: [in HIGH, FEMININE voice] No! Save my grandfather!
[they RUN into the JUNGLE to AVOID the STEREOTYPICAL pirates]
Androgynous Cabin Boy: I have to go back!
[she STEALS their GUN]
Ernst: You really think a boy like you can handle that?
[he BUM-rushes the CABIN BOY and RIPS off his HAT, revealing a BOY HAIRCUT]
Ernst: Whaaa? It’s…a GIRL!
[though she still LOOKS like a BOY, they GET all HORNY and COMPETITIVE and she FORGETS about her GRANDFATHER while BASKING in all the MALE ATTENTION]
Mom: Sigh. This tropical island Christmas just isn’t the same without my older sons.
Dad: Seriously. Maybe sending them off on the most dangerous journey ever was a bad idea.
Francis: Um, they’re right there. And who’s that hottie?
[the OLDER boys and the GIRL ride up on a ZEBRA]
Everyone: Hooray! Life is perfect!
Dad: Let’s build something else that we don’t need. Come on boys. We’ll engage in feats of strength. Don’t mind that pretty girl watching. I’m sure you’re not in competition for her.
[the BOYS get in a SCUFFLE cause they NEED to get LAID, though the Girl CLEARLY PREFERS the HOT one]
Girl: Stop fighting! I REALLY MEAN IT. Don’t fight over me and my beauty. Though I do like ‘em strong!
Dad: Hey, shut up everyone. What’s that in the distance?
[it is the PIRATES, of COURSE]
Girl: They’ve come for me! They want me back!
Fritz: Well….they don’t know you’re a girl now…and they seemed to really like you when you were a boy…ahem.
Dad: Come on everyone! Let’s build a series of ingenious yet humorous pirate-traps!
Mom: Run to the top of this crag! Here come the pirates!
[the PIRATES climb the CRAG, but the ROBINSONS and their SWISS INGENUITY totally OVERCOME them]
Mom: [HITS Pirate in the head]
Francis: [LURES Pirate into DEATH PIT]
Fritz: [KILLS Pirate using BRUTE STRENGTH]
Tiger: [EATS Pirate]
Swiss Family Robinson + Girl: Oh no! Here come more pirates!
[a SHIP comes and BLOWS up the EVIL PIRATE ship]
Girl: It’s my grandpa’s ship! Let’s make out, Fritz!
Old Man: Wow, what a crazy adventure you guys had. Well, my ship’s here. Want to go home?
Mom: We like it here. We’re staying.
Fritz: Hey, girl. Wanna stay in this Club Med-esque paradise and do it a lot?
Girl: Hells yeah!
Ernst: I guess I’ll go to college or something. Who needs a hot girlfriend when you have knowledge?
Old Man: Sounds good. I’m sure the British will colonize this shit soon anyway.
Francis: Come on, baby elephant! Let’s ride around the island in triumph!
Everyone: [LAUGHS with JOY, except for Ernst]