Guest Post: Cinderella

I think Laura would agree with the poster at left...truly, Cinderella is for all the world to love.
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[it is a LONG time AGO, in a FAR-AWAY KINGDOM]
Warbling Singers of the 1950’s: Cin. Der. ELLA….you’re as lovely as your name…
[a JEWEL-ENCRUSTED book OPENS very SLOWLY]
Narrator: There once was a really nice guy with a really cute daughter. And then he got married and died and his evil wife made his cute daughter work as a servant. She was still cool though.
[it is LATER]
Cheerful Songbirds: Chirp chirp! Chirrrrrrp!
Adorable Mice: Oh boy, time for Cinderelly to wake up!!
[they CLIMB all over a SLEEPING Cinderella and CHIRP in her EAR]
Cinderella: Oh, you adorable little woodland creatures. You just spoiled my wonderful dream.
[instead of YELLING at them and KICKING them out of her TOWER, she SINGS a LOVELY song about DREAMING and WISHING and your HEART, and the WOODLAND creatures get all MOONY]
Cinderella: It sucks to be an indentured servant to my family, but luckily I have you precious birds and mice to dress and bathe me! And do my hair!
Jacques, the Cool Mouse: Cinderelly! There’s a new, naked mouse that Lucifer, the evil cat is going to eat!
Cinderella: Oh no! I shall save him. Your name will be Octavious. But for short, we’ll call you Gus.*
[she GIVES Gus a HUMAN OUTFIT, including a JAUNTY hat, cause she has EXTRAS]
Gus, the Fat Mouse: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella FEEDS everyone, and there is an EXTENDED and STRESSFUL sequence where it LOOKS like Lucifer is going to EAT the mice, but they ESCAPE]
Evil Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Cinderella: I’m coming, I’m coming!
[she CARRIES their TRAYS on her HANDS and HEAD cause she is the COOLEST]
Evil Stepmother: Clean the drapes. And the carpets and the walls and the kitchen, and the walls, and the dirt outside, if you have to.
Cinderella: But I just finished - *
Evil Stepmother: DO THEM AGAIN!*
[MEANWHILE, in the CASTLE…]
King: My son needs to get married. I really want grandchildren, almost to a creepy extent.
Effeminate Duke: Hmmm. Well, we could have a big party and invite all the single ladies!
[he POLISHES his MONOCLE]
King: Perfect! And, as I am oddly violent, if you don’t find a wife for him, I WILL KILL YOU.
Effeminate Duke: [GULPS]
[back at the HOUSE of INDENTURED SERVITUDE, someone DELIVERS an INVITATION to the BALL]
Evil Stepmother: All eligible women are required to attend!
Anastasia, the Stepsister: And I’m so eligible!*
Cinderella: That means I can go too!
Stepsisters: NOOOOO!
Evil Stepmother: Um…sure you can go. If you finish all your chores. And if you can find something to wear.
[the STEPSISTERS laugh, cause that will NEVER HAPPEN]
Cinderella: I’m going to remodel my mom’s old ball gown! How poignant!
Step-people: CINDERELLA!!!
Jacques: Poor Cinderelly. She’ll NEVER get her dress done.
[the WOODLAND CREATURES sing a SONG that is at FIRST a sad DIRGE about Cinderella, but then turns into a JOYOUS production NUMBER]
Mice and Birds: Yay! We can help Cindrelly make her dress!
Jacques: Come on, Gus-Gus! We’ll help Cinderella accessorize!
[they GET chased by the CAT after STEALING accessories that the STEPSISTERS hatefully DISCARDED]
Cinderella: Sigh. I couldn’t make my dress. I guess I can’t go to the ball.
Mice and Birds: Oh YEAH???
[they REVEAL the BEAUTIFUL dress they MADE for her and I CRY]
Stepsisters: You stole our hideous accessories! You will pay!
[they RIP apart her DRESS and it is HORRIBLE]
Cinderella: What the use? What’s the USE??*
[some SPARKLES float through the AIR and REFORM as a CHUBBY old LADY]
Mysterious Stranger: Sup, Cinderella? It’s your lucky day! I’m your fairy godmother!
[she SINGS a MAGICAL song whilst turning ANIMALS and VEGETABLES into CARRIAGES and SERVANTS]
Fairy Godmother: Look! You have a beautiful dress and glass shoes! Practical AND comfortable! But this spell can only last until midnight for some reason. Don’t be late!
Cinderella: I won’t!
[she GOES to the BALL in SPLENDOR]
Everyone: HUH????
[Cinderella MEETS the PRINCE and he is WAY INTO HER, and they SING a ROMANTIC song]
The Clock: Ding dong!
Cinderella: Aaaa! I broke curfew!
[she RUNS away, leaving only a GLASS shoe]
King: Find her! Or I WILL KILL YOU.
Evil Stepmother: They are coming to try the shoe on everyone. Cinderella, why are you so moony and vacant today? Wait a second…
[she LOCKS Cinderella in a TOWER]
Birds and Mice: We will save you!
[they STEAL the KEY and CARRY it up MILLIONS of STAIRS]
Jacques: We are so close, but the evil cat will foil our plans! Kill it, faithful dog!
[he PRESUMABLY does]
Cinderella: I’m here to try on the shoe!
[the Evil Stepmother TRIPS the Duke and BREAKS the SHOE]
Effeminate Duke: NOOOOOO!
Cinderella: No biggie. I have the other one.
[the MUSIC gets SUPER DRAMATIC to INDICATE the Evil Stepmother’s COMEUPPANCE]
Birds and Mice: Yaaaaay!
[Cinderella and the Prince get MARRIED though they NEVER had a CONVERSATION]