2.05.2008

Dumbo


[it is the CIRCUS]
The Stork: Dang! I can't figure out where I'm supposed to go! I better check this map of Florida, which looks exactly like the actual state.
[all the other BABY ANIMALS are DELIVERED to their respective MAMAS]
Train: Woooo woooooo!!
The Stork: Gahhhhh!! The train is leaving!! And I have this baby elephant sinking through this cloud!!
Dumbo's Mom: [looks CONCERNED]
The Stork: Wait!! Waaaaait!! I have your baby!!
[he goes through an ELABORATE PROCESS to let her have the BABY, including a SONG, an ALTERNATE SONG, and a CONTRACT]
Other Elephants: Ooooooh, he's so cuuuuute!!
Dumbo: [SNEEZES to reveal HUGE ears]
Other Elephants: Noooo!! You're different! Now we are going to laugh at you!
Stupid Jackass Big-Eared Kid: That elephant looks ridiculous! Look at his ears!
[Dumbo is ADORABLE and LIKES it when everyone LAUGHS, but his MOM knows they are being MEAN and tries to TRAMPLE them]
Ringmaster: Though you were protecting your baby, you're getting locked up!
[it is SO SAD]
Timothy the Mouse: Why so glum, chum? Your mom's in jail? That stinks. I'm going to make you a star to heal your sadness.
[he WHISPERS in the ringmaster's EAR to make Dumbo the STAR of the CIRCUS]
Ringmaster: It's perfect!!
[the ELEPHANTS all climb onto ONE SINGLE BALL and Dumbo CRASHES into it when he is supposed to JUMP and all the elephants do a bunch of PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE stunts]
Other Elephants: Did you hear, gossipy bitches? They made Dumbo a clown. The shaaaaaame!!!
[Dumbo has to be a BABY CLOWN and JUMP off a high tower into a POOL of CREAM while the clowns do a BUNCH of CLOWN SHIT, including STOKING the FIRE with GASOLINE]
Timothy the Mouse: I know it stinks being a clown...let's go visit your mom after I bathe you with this toothbrush. Wait, that's going to take forever. Let's just go.
[she puts her TRUNK out of the JAIL CELL and ROCKS him and it is TRAGICALLY SAD]
Clowns: We rule!! Let's drink champagne and ask for more money! Let's build a 300-foot tower for Dumbo to jump off of!
[they KNOCK the champagne into DUMBO'S WATER and Dumbo and Timothy DRINK it and get DRUNK]
Pink Elephants on Parade: We are the freakiest thing you have ever seen, ever.
[Dumbo and Timothy WAKE UP in a TREE]
Crows: What the hell are you doing in a tree? And why do we keep saying "brother"? Are we supposed to be black dudes? Is that racist? Oh, Disney, you old bigot, you!
Timothy the Mouse: I know! You must be able to fly, Dumbo!
Dumbo: [looks PUZZLED]
Crows: Here, take this magic feather.
[they PUSH him off a CLIFF and he FLIES]
Timothy the Mouse: Okay, get ready to wow them at the circus!
[Dumbo LOSES his MAGIC FEATHER but he is STILL able to FLY because the POWER was WITHIN him ALL ALONG]
Crowd: Whaaaaaa???
International Press: We love your huge ears!
Other Elephants: Uh...we like you too, I guess.
[Dumbo and his mom ride in a PRIVATE car on the CIRCUS TRAIN that is all FUTURISTIC]

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I hope you condense Pinocchio! My only memory of that movie is that it was absolutely TERRIFYING and not at all appropriate for children.

John A said...

None of the old school Disney movies are child-appropriate. Alice in Wonderland is a huge acid trip, Pinocchio and Dumbo are hugely depressing with racist overtones, Bambi is a dialogueless snuff film and most of the old school Princess movies give such vapid role models it's depressing.

But I'm still totally going to Disney World someday.

At least the newer school stuff portrays a general life outside of the desire to marry rich, though in the end they all do anyway.

Movie Maven said...

I just wish they'd kept the part of Cinderella where the stepsisters cut off their toes and heels to attempt to fit the glass slipper.

John A said...

The original is even more perverse. Our 4-year old is into these old school Time Life fantasy and myth books we have, and the Scottish version of Cinderella, Rashin Coatie, is in there. It's got the foot mutiliation, but there's all this stuff with Rashin Coatie's dead mom taking the form of a lamb, and Rashin Coatie having to kill it on orders of the stepmother. It's dark.

The version I found online is a little cheerier but not much.

I guess Walt only wanted to warp America's kids a little bit (ya know, to toughen em up for the war), not make a generation of full-on Dahmers.