[it is a POST-WAR
Radio Announcer: The trial of that Nazi is at an end! He is guilty! Look, it’s his daughter!
Ingrid Bergman: (walks in a DIGNIFIED MANNER)
[later, at her HOUSE]
Ingrid Bergman: Hey friends! Let’s drink our troubles away! I am drinking a lot, which indicates that my troubles are vast and disturbing. This party is wild!
[they PARTY in a TAME way]
Ingrid Bergman: Hey, stranger. Care for a drink? Who are you, anyway?
[she is not CONCERNED that there is a STRANGER in her HOUSE, but then the camera REVEALS that it is Cary Grant, so it makes SENSE that she DIGS it]
Ingrid Bergman: Me and my sequined striped shirt need some fresh air. Let’s go for a joyride.
[they DO and it is very HITCHCOCKIAN]
Ingrid Bergman: What if I killed us right now?
[they get PULLED OVER before she can DO SO]
Ingrid Bergman: You’re a copper!*
[she is ENRAGED and then PASSES OUT]
Ingrid Bergman: Fucking cops. How do you know I’m not a Nazi too?
[he PLAYS her a TAPPED phone CONVERSATION with her Nazi dad in which she GIVES an IMPASSIONED speech about how much she LOVES
[they GO to
Ingrid Bergman: I’m turning over a new leaf! I’m not going to be a skanky party girl anymore!
[though she is the most DIGNIFIED “party girl” in HISTORY, he does not BELIEVE her]
Ingrid Bergman: I know what your problem is! You are TOTALLY in love with me! And you hate yourself!
[she YELLS about this for a WHILE until he KISSES her PASSIONATELY to SHUT her UP]
Spy Boss: Great news, Cary Grant! We have a mission for your new spy! We’re going to whore her out to this Nazi her dad was friends with. He is conveniently in love with her!
Cary Grant: NOOOO! I mean…totally. That sounds great.
Ingrid Bergman: But I thought you loved me! My whoring days are done!
Cary Grant: Sorry.
Ingrid Bergman: I shall seduce him…to spite you.
Claude Rains: I am so glad you called me! I have loved you forever. Come to my dinner party and meet my creepy mother and Nazi pals!
[she DOES, and it is SAD for those ACTORS that REALLY look like Nazis]
Ingrid Bergman: Oh, Cary Grant. How convenient to bump into you at this horse race.
[they have SPY talk which is COOL, especially since they TOTALLY want to BONE]
Claude Rains: Why are you talking to him? I feel inferior, obviously! You must convince me of your loyalty by marrying me!
Ingrid Bergman: So, spy boss. Want me to marry the conniving Nazi?
Spy Boss: Yeah, sounds good. This is really taking whoring to a whole new level, isn’t it?
[Cary Grant is TORMENTED, and ACTS like an ASSHOLE to COVER it UP]
Claude Rains: Let’s throw a lavish party for my Na - I mean, totally regular German expatriate friends.
Ingrid Bergman: Now is my chance to finally do some damn spy work!
[she STEALS his KEY to his SHADOWY wine cellar, and GIVES it to Cary Grant]
Cary Grant: My spy brain can deduce that there is something funny with these wine bottles.
[he CLUMSILY drops one and it is FILLED with some kind of ORE, which would not be FUN to DRINK]
Ingrid Bergman: Oh no! My crazy jealous husband is coming!
Cary Grant: Let’s make out.
[they DO and it is SCANDALOUS, but HOT]
Claude Rains: I shall simmer with barely contained rage. Why is my floor covered with ore?
[he has FIGURED it out, FINALLY]
Claude Rains: Mom, what should I do? My wife is totally a spy, and those mean Nazis will be so mad if they find out!
Nazi Mom: Let’s just poison her.
[they DO, in SMALL doses]
Ingrid Bergman: Time for a secret spy meeting. I think I might puke.
[he is INSULTING, cause apparently that is how you TREAT someone you LOVE]
[he GOES to her HOUSE and FINDS her on her DEATHBED]
Ingrid Bergman: No biggie.
[he CARRIES her OUT, and IMPLIES that she is a SPY to the MANY Nazis in their house]
Claude Rains: Take me with you!
[they DRIVE away, and the MUSIC is DISTRESSFUL cause he is TOTALLY going to be KILLED, but also TRIUMPHANT, cause we LOVE it when a Nazi gets his COMEUPPANCE]