Guest Post: Notorious

Frequent contributor Laura McClain knows that only good can come out of a zany Ingrid Bergman, a debonair Cary Grant (is that redundant?) and a Nazi Claude Rains. And some sort of ore.
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[it is a POST-WAR Miami]

Radio Announcer: The trial of that Nazi is at an end! He is guilty! Look, it’s his daughter!

Ingrid Bergman: (walks in a DIGNIFIED MANNER)

[later, at her HOUSE]

Ingrid Bergman: Hey friends! Let’s drink our troubles away! I am drinking a lot, which indicates that my troubles are vast and disturbing. This party is wild!

[they PARTY in a TAME way]

Ingrid Bergman: Hey, stranger. Care for a drink? Who are you, anyway?

[she is not CONCERNED that there is a STRANGER in her HOUSE, but then the camera REVEALS that it is Cary Grant, so it makes SENSE that she DIGS it]

Cary Grant: [stares at her HOTLY]

Ingrid Bergman: Me and my sequined striped shirt need some fresh air. Let’s go for a joyride.

[they DO and it is very HITCHCOCKIAN]

Ingrid Bergman: What if I killed us right now?

Cary Grant: Uh….

[they get PULLED OVER before she can DO SO]

Cary Grant: No need to pull over this drunk, officer. I’m one of you.

Ingrid Bergman: You’re a copper!*

[she is ENRAGED and then PASSES OUT]

Cary Grant: Good morning, drunk. Tell you what. If you will let us exploit you as a spy for the Americans, we won’t throw you in the slammer for your repeated DUIs.

Ingrid Bergman: Fucking cops. How do you know I’m not a Nazi too?

[he PLAYS her a TAPPED phone CONVERSATION with her Nazi dad in which she GIVES an IMPASSIONED speech about how much she LOVES America]

Cary Grant: Busted!

[they GO to Rio for their SUPER-SECRET spy mission]

Ingrid Bergman: I’m turning over a new leaf! I’m not going to be a skanky party girl anymore!

[though she is the most DIGNIFIED “party girl” in HISTORY, he does not BELIEVE her]

Ingrid Bergman: I know what your problem is! You are TOTALLY in love with me! And you hate yourself!

[she YELLS about this for a WHILE until he KISSES her PASSIONATELY to SHUT her UP]

Spy Boss: Great news, Cary Grant! We have a mission for your new spy! We’re going to whore her out to this Nazi her dad was friends with. He is conveniently in love with her!

Cary Grant: NOOOO! I mean…totally. That sounds great.

Ingrid Bergman: But I thought you loved me! My whoring days are done!

Cary Grant: Sorry.

Ingrid Bergman: I shall seduce him…to spite you.

Claude Rains: I am so glad you called me! I have loved you forever. Come to my dinner party and meet my creepy mother and Nazi pals!

[she DOES, and it is SAD for those ACTORS that REALLY look like Nazis]

Ingrid Bergman: Oh, Cary Grant. How convenient to bump into you at this horse race.

[they have SPY talk which is COOL, especially since they TOTALLY want to BONE]

Claude Rains: Why are you talking to him? I feel inferior, obviously! You must convince me of your loyalty by marrying me!

Ingrid Bergman: So, spy boss. Want me to marry the conniving Nazi?

Spy Boss: Yeah, sounds good. This is really taking whoring to a whole new level, isn’t it?
[Cary Grant is TORMENTED, and ACTS like an ASSHOLE to COVER it UP]

Claude Rains: Let’s throw a lavish party for my Na - I mean, totally regular German expatriate friends.

Ingrid Bergman: Now is my chance to finally do some damn spy work!

[she STEALS his KEY to his SHADOWY wine cellar, and GIVES it to Cary Grant]

Cary Grant: My spy brain can deduce that there is something funny with these wine bottles.

[he CLUMSILY drops one and it is FILLED with some kind of ORE, which would not be FUN to DRINK]

Ingrid Bergman: Oh no! My crazy jealous husband is coming!

Cary Grant: Let’s make out.

[they DO and it is SCANDALOUS, but HOT]

Claude Rains: I shall simmer with barely contained rage. Why is my floor covered with ore?

[he has FIGURED it out, FINALLY]

Claude Rains: Mom, what should I do? My wife is totally a spy, and those mean Nazis will be so mad if they find out!

Nazi Mom: Let’s just poison her.

[they DO, in SMALL doses]

Ingrid Bergman: Time for a secret spy meeting. I think I might puke.

Cary Grant: That’s some hangover you have.*

[he is INSULTING, cause apparently that is how you TREAT someone you LOVE]

Cary Grant: Wait a second…she was a lot more fun when she was actually drunk! I think there’s something fishy going on here…

[he GOES to her HOUSE and FINDS her on her DEATHBED]

Cary Grant: I shall save your life! Sorry I was a douchebag. It’s cause I loved you, or something.

Ingrid Bergman: No biggie.

[he CARRIES her OUT, and IMPLIES that she is a SPY to the MANY Nazis in their house]

Claude Rains: Take me with you!

Cary Grant: Not so much.

[they DRIVE away, and the MUSIC is DISTRESSFUL cause he is TOTALLY going to be KILLED, but also TRIUMPHANT, cause we LOVE it when a Nazi gets his COMEUPPANCE]