1.28.2008

Top Gun


[it is the PRESENT DAY, which actually means 1986]
Tom Cruise: Come on, Anthony Edwards. Let's go get some bogeys in a reckless manner.
[they TARGET some RUSSIANS who always wear MASKS because they are BAD GUYS]
Cougar: I can't! I'm freakin' out, man! I'M FREAKIN' OUT!!
Tim Robbins: Tom Cruise! Come back! You're the only one who can talk Cougar into flying back to the aircraft carrier with your amazing skills!
Tom Cruise: I know...I know.
[he LEADS Cougar BACK to the SHIP and then BUZZES the TOWER to show how much of a BADASS he is]
Principal from Back to the Future: Your ego's writing checks your body can't cash.* That was very brave, but also very dangerous. Allow me to list the attitude problems you have to establish you even more as a badass. Also, though I hate to say it, since you clearly have no respect for authority, you guys are going to Top Gun.
[Tom Cruise DRIVES to TOP GUN on his HOG to the strains of DANGER ZONE to once again reinforce the BADASS thing]
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: Hey. I'm your designated rival. You can tell because I am of equivalent badassery, and also because I am bleached blonde to your raven locks.
Tom Cruise: IT'S ON, hot stuff. I mean that in a totally hetero way.
[they FLY for a while and show how MANLY they are]
Tom Cruise: Let's go pick up chicks in our dress whites.
[he SINGS "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'" with the ENTIRE BAR]
Kelly McGillis: Really? That's your pickup technique? Meh.
Tom Cruise: It worked on John Travolta. I mean...Jenny Travolta. Yeah, that's it. She was a girl. Not a dude.
[the NEXT DAY]
Kelly McGillis: Hi. I'm your teacher.
Tom Cruise: Oh, what hijinks! Well, I know stuff about MiGs because I am a badass. But they're classified.
Kelly McGillis: You have gained my attention with your arrogance and crooked smile, pilot.
[she WRITES him a NOTE to meet her for DINNER at 5:30 SHARP]
Tom Cruise: Hey. Sorry I'm late - I was participating in the Homoerotic Beach Volleyball Championships.
Kelly McGillis: No biggie. Let's eat and talk about your issues with your dad to the strains of the instrumental version of "Take My Breath Away," one of this film's two songs.
[they DO, and then he RIDES AWAY to the strains of DANGER ZONE, the other SONG in the movie]
Tom Cruise: Time for some more fancy flying.
[he LEAVES his WINGMAN while trying to SHOOT Tom Skerritt but is SHOT DOWN by Michael Ironside]
Tom Skerrit: Goddamnit! Never leave your wingman!
Michael Ironside: You should know better than to tangle with the best action movie actor ever, son.
Kelly McGillis: That's okay. I still want to bone you.
[they BONE, and we FINALLY get to hear "Take My Breath Away" with the VOCALS]
Anthony Edwards: I miss my wife and child.
Meg Ryan: Here we are! Aren't we an adorable family? Wouldn't it be sad if anything happened to one of us?
[during the NEXT FLIGHT, to the strains of DANGER ZONE again, Tom Cruise and Anthony Edwards' PLANE goes into a FLAT SPIN and they have to EJECT and Anthony Edwards DIES]
Tom Cruise: Noooooooooooo!!! It's all my fault!
Everyone: Dude, it's not your fault.
Tom Cruise: I am but half a man. I am plagued with doubt. Please don't make me fly again!
[they MAKE him FLY even though he is still REALLY SAD and he SUCKS now]
Tom Skerritt: Listen. Your dad was a good guy who did good stuff in the wrong place. You should be proud of his memory.
[he decides to GRADUATE with his CLASS to show how BADASS he is, and PETER PETRELLI is randomly there]
Tom Skerritt: The best guys are going to go on a mission. That means you'll be working together. Don't let any feelings of a personal nature get in the way.
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: I don't even like him like that.
Tom Skerritt: That's...not what I meant.
[they go to the SHIP and Tom Cruise GAZES at his dead friend's DOGTAGS as a SINGLE TEAR runs down his CHEEK]
Tom Cruise: I can do this. By the sword of Greyskull, I can do this.
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: Aaaaaaaa!!! Too many MiGs!! Save me, Tom Cruise! Use your skills!
Tom Cruise: I'll save you!
[they work as a TEAM but also are BADASS and KILL all the RUSSIANS and then BUZZ the tower, which is HILARIOUS because he did it ANOTHER TIME in the movie]
Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: You can be my wingman anytime.* In a totally hetero way.
Tom Cruise: Thanks, but I think I'm going to become a teacher at Top Gun. I have learned a lesson about respecting authority.
[he sits ALONE in the Top Gun BAR and suddenly hears "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin'"]
Kelly McGillis: Hey. I'm back. And so is Berlin's "Take My Breath Away." Did you miss us?
Tom Cruise: Did I ever! Boy, it really sucked to be hanging out with only sweaty, muscled dudes.
[they KISS]
Tom Cruise: I'm not gay!

3 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Val "Vanilla Iceman" Kilmer: I don't even like him like that.

Tom Skerritt: That's...not what I meant.



I laughed and I laughed.

Russell said...

I think this movie would be even better if Val was playing the same character from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

Oh, and for the punny title, how about Cruise Missile? ;)

Movie Maven said...

Somehow, somewhere, Val in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Tom in Top Gun need to get together. But I think the world might implode.

I liked "Cruisazy Like a Fox," while Laura preferred "Cruise Control." I do like "Cruise Missile," though, because it implies destruction and is also phallic.