Guest Post: Jerry Maguire

This was a turning point for Tom. He really starts to come into his own as a complete maniac in this film. Laura McClain breaks it down.
[it is the LATE 1990’s]
Tom Cruise: Everyone loves sports. And romance. And ME.
Everyone in the World: We love Jerry Maguire!!
Tom Cruise: I am the slickest sports agent who ever was. I have a million friends and a hot fiancé. Bow before me!
[he LAUGHS in a HEARTY, yet TERRIFYING manner]
Child of Concussive Pro Hockey Player: Mr. Maguire, my dad has had four concussions. Can’t you make him stop playing?
Tom Cruise: It would take a truck to stop your dad!
Child of Concussive Pro Hockey Player: Fuck you.*
Tom Cruise: Wha?? But…everyone…loves…me….
[he has some sort of NERVOUS breakdown and DEVELOPS a CONSCIENCE in ONE night]
Tom Cruise: I wrote a mission statement! We should be warm and fuzzy and have fewer clients and drastically reduced salaries!
Everyone Else: Uh….good thinking there, Jerry.
Renee Zellweger: Hello, Jerry Maguire. Witness me and my adorable child as symbols of goodness and trust in a corrupt world. I love your mission statement. And…YOU.
Tom Cruise: I am intrigued by her, as she likes to compliment me.
Jay Mohr: As your oily best friend, it pains me to have to fire you, Jerry Maguire.
Tom Cruise: NOOOOO! I must retain my clients!
[he CALLS many ATHLETES, and I think some of them are REAL athletes, which would EXPLAIN their LACK of ACTING skill]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Jerry Maguire! To retain me as your client, you must scream “show me the money!” Better get used to this catchphrase, America.
[Tom Cruise SCREAMS “show me the money” many times, but still LOSES all his OTHER clients]
Tom Cruise: Everything will be fine. I’m taking this goldfish with me to start an awesome new agency! Who else is coming?
Renee Zellweger: I. Will. Go. With. You.
[they RIDE in an ELEVATOR and watch some DEAF guy sign “you complete me” bringing the CATCHPHRASE COUNT to 2]
Tom Cruise: Good thing Jerry O’Connell is staying on my roster too. Let’s work the room at this NFL draft event.
[he BASICALLY BLOWS Jerry O’Connell whilst IGNORING Cuba Gooding Jr.]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: You suck, Maguire!
Jerry O’Connell: I’m going back to your old agency. You suck, Maguire!
Kelly Preston: I’m not marrying you anymore. You suck, Maguire!
[she PUNCHES him in the FACE]
Tom Cruise: Ahhhh! My life is ruined! In turn, I must ruin someone else’s life.
[he GOES to Renee Zellweger’s house, DRUNK]
Bonnie Hunt: As your bitter, wisecracking older sister, it’s my duty to keep you away from the smarmy sports agent.
Renee Zellweger: But I’m so horny!
[Tom Cruise BONDS with the ADORABLE child, and then CURSES in front of him]
Adorable Child: Dogs and bees can smell fear. The human head weights eight pounds.* Enjoy catchphrase #3.
Renee Zellweger: Here. Have some beer. That's the best thing to give a man on a bender.
[Tom Cruise GRABS her BOOB and it is AWKWARD]
Tom Cruise: Want to go on a date?
Renee Zellweger: Okay. But we probably shouldn’t get involved.
[they GET it ON to the SWEET SOUNDS of Miles Davis]
Bonnie Hunt: You’re an idiot, sister.
Renee Zellweger: I LOVE HIM!!!!
[Tom Cruise OVERHEARS her and it is AWKWARD, cause they like, JUST MET]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Hey, remember me? I still need you to show me the money!
Tom Cruise: It’s hard for me to take you seriously when you’re naked.
Regina King: Show my husband the damn money, Maguire!
Tom Cruise: Aaaah! I can’t!
Renee Zellweger: Clearly, your business is failing miserably. I’m taking another job. Unless you can think of a reason to keep me around…. Anything? ANYTHING??
Tom Cruise: I can’t let you go! You’re the only person who listens to me whine now! Marry me!
Renee Zellweger: Hurrah!
[they GET MARRIED and then WATCH the wedding VIDEO in which he LOOKS like he’s going to SHIT a BRICK]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: Dude. What’s up with your sham marriage?
Tom Cruise: What’s up with YOUR stank attitude about football?
[they HAVE some sort of LOVER’S quarrel]
Renee Zellweger: I think you only married me cause you like my ridiculously adorable child. That is actually…kind of creepy. Bye.
Tom Cruise: I have lost everything. Time to watch Cuba Gooding Jr.’s football game.
[Cuba Gooding Jr. makes a SWEET catch, and then FALLS to the GROUND unconscious]
Tom Cruise: My bromance!
[he RUNS to the FIELD, and then Cuba WAKES up]
Cuba Gooding Jr.: I want to enjoy this.*
[he JUMPS around and ACTS a FOOL and EVERYONE now LOVES him]
Tom Cruise: I remember when people loved me. I miss jerking around Renee Zellweger. Better run to go see her.
[he DOES so]
Tom Cruise: Excuse me, divorced women’s group. I’m looking for my wife. You complete me.*
Renee Zellweger: You had me at hello!* (CATCHPHRASE COUNT=4)
Cuba Gooding Jr.: I got a billion dollar contract!
Poor-Acting Actual Athletes: Jerry, be my agent!
Tom Cruise: Hooray! Back at the top!
[he and Renee Zellweger MAKE OUT]

Tom Cruise: I’m not gay!


Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

I have somehow managed to never see this movie although I feel like I have due to the x-treme number of catchphrases and I, and the rest of America, was subjected to.

Rachel said...

too funny