I liked this better than I thought I would, considering what I've heard about it. It is (as you may be able to tell from the length of this condensation) too long, and sags in a lot of places, but DDL on the crazy train is always fun to watch, and there are a surprising amount of hilarious (whether intentional or not) moments. John A, you were right!
[it is 1898, and there are DISCORDANT STRINGS]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [MINES some SILVER all by HIMSELF and then FALLS into the MINE and breaks his LEG but still CLIMBS back up because he's HARD FUCKING CORE]
[it is 1902]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Now I have enough money to drill for oil.
[he RAISES one glorious OIL-COVERED HAND to the sky as if to say YEAH, BITCHES]
Dude With a Baby: [dots his baby's HEAD with OIL, then gets KILLED by FALLING TOOLS]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I shall adopt you as my son, baby. Yes, that's it, little one. Admire my voluminous mustache.
[it is 1911]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Good people of this town, I am an oilman. I would like to drill your town, but only if you want me to. Yes. YES! Clamor behind the camera! Focus on my face! MY FACE! Come, my son. Let us leave this place.
Paul Dano: Do you want me to tell you where to find some oil? I will. Just pay me and tell me what church you go to.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Church? I like 'em all. Yeah, they're all good.* Here's $500.
[DDL and his son go to the SUNDAY RANCH and pretend to hunt for QUAIL]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Do you have any bread?*
Mr. Sunday: No, but we have potatoes.*
Daniel Day-Lewis: Potatoes would be fine, thank you.*
Mr. Sunday: Oh, I wasn't actually offering--whatever, dude, just take the potatoes.
Daniel Day-Lewis: We would like to buy your ranch. For quail hunting. Only.
Paul Dano: Reaaaaaaally. What about the oil?????
Daniel Day-Lewis: Waaaaaait aaaaaa miiiinute. Aren't you...
Paul Dano: I'm his twin brother. That's the story I'm sticking with. You'll never really know if I'm actually a different guy. Now give me a bunch money so I can start a crazy church.
[he HEALS a woman's ARTHRITIS by the LAYING ON OF HANDS and also by lots of SHOUTING]
Paul Dano: All the armies of my boot will kick you in the teeth!!*
Daniel Day-Lewis: That was freaky.
Paul Dano: Listen, I really want to bless your oil rig. Will you let me?
Daniel Day-Lewis: Suuuuuuuuure.
[he lets the LITTLE SISTER do it INSTEAD because she is a VICTIM of ABUSE]
Paul Dano: He has publicly offended me. Now we shall battle.
[the OIL RIG goes up WITHOUT A HITCH until they hit some GAS and the SON is EXPLODED off the ROOF and goes DEAF]
Daniel Day-Lewis: My son, I shall carry you to the mess hall to the strains of every percussion instrument in the world. More drums!! More pots and pans!! I need percussion!!
Paul Dano: Hey, can I have my other $5000?
[DDL SLAPS him like a little BITCH and beats him FURIOUSLY and puts MUD in his FACE and STEPS on him with his HOT HIPSTER BOOTS]
Paul Dano: My father is stupid!!
[he beats his FATHER, because EVERYONE gets BEATEN in this movie]
DDL's Brother: Hey. I'm your brother. From another mother.*
Daniel Day-Lewis: Really??
DDL'S Brother: Look at my voluminous mustache! Of course I am your brother, from Fond du Lac!
Daniel Day-Lewis: Of course. Let me tell you my secrets by the light of this campfire.
[his SON tries to SET the brother on FIRE]
Daniel Day-Lewis: The best course of action here is probably to trick my son into getting on a train and sending him away. I'll do that.
Man from Standard Oil: Let me buy you out so you can take care of your son.
Daniel Day-Lewis: One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.*
Man from Standard Oil: What the fuck? We're outtie.
[he makes a DEAL with a different OIL COMPANY, who does NOT tell him how to raise his FAMILY, to build a PIPELINE, but they have to go through LAND he does not OWN]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Let us swim in the ocean, my brother! You...ARE my brother, right?
DDL's Brother: Uh...actually, I'm not. Your brother was my friend. And now I'm you're friend, right? Right????
[DDL shoots him in the HEAD and BURIES him]
Owner of Land: Hey. If you want to build your pipeline through my land, you have to join Crazy Church. You're a sinner. I know you are.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Fiiiiiiiine.
[he gets BAPTIZED and SHOUTS about how he ABANDONED his SON]
Daniel Day-Lewis: Bring my son back from the deaf school! Assuage my guilt!
His Son: [SIGNS something]
Daniel Day-Lewis: I refuse to learn your crazy, hand-flapping language. But I do love you. I guess I'll just start drinking to deal with it.
[it is 1927]
Daniel Day-Lewis: [drunkenly SHOOTS some shit in his ENORMOUS MANSION, which has an actual BOWLING ALLEY in it]
His Son: [SIGNS something]
Interpreter: I want to go to Mexico with my wife, the little girl from the ranch, and start my own business.
Daniel Day-Lewis: SAY IT! SPEAK OUT LOUD!!!
His Son: I want to go to Mexico.
Daniel Day-Lewis: You're not my son. No, seriously. I found you in a basket. BASTARD IN A BASKET!!! BASTARD IN A BASKET!!!!!*
[his son LEAVES because he can TELL that this is the part where DDL REALLY gets on the CRAZY TRAIN]
Paul Dano: Hey. I have a deal for you. Do you want to get the oil that's under the land you didn't buy, but just put a pipeline through?
Daniel-Day Lewis: There's no oil under that land.
Paul Dano: But...you never tapped it.
Daniel Day-Lewis: Drainage! Drainage, Eli! Drained dry, you boy! If YOU have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw and my straw reeeeeeeeaches across the room and starts to drink YOUR milkshake. I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I DRINK IT UP!!*
[he THROWS some BOWLING BALLS at him and CHASES him and then finally BEATS him to DEATH with a BOWLING PIN]
Daniel-Day Lewis: I'm finished.* I'm going back to being a shoemaker's apprentice.