[it is NEW YORK CITY in the 80s]
Diane Keaton: I am the tiger lady! I work 80 hours a week! I love it!! My hair is decidedly un-Working-Girl-like!
James Spader: Smarm. I will take your job somehow!!
Harold Ramis: Good thing we both work 80 hours a week and only have 4 minutes of sex. But 4 minutes is better than 3 minutes, right? Heh heh.
Boss Man: Listen, we want to make you a partner.
Diane Keaton: Hooray! I have everything I could ever want! Nothing could possibly go wrong now!
Middle-of-the-night Phone Call: You have inherited an unspecified thing from your distant relative. Please come to the airport tomorrow.
[she goes to JFK and the THING she inherited is a BABY]
Diane Keaton: I have a lunch meeting! I can't take this baby! Oh, what wacky hijinks!
[she FEEDS the baby SPAGHETTI with SAUCE and the baby THROWS it at her, HILARIOUSLY]
Diane Keaton: I'm giving this kid up for adoption. But first I will buy her a million things at FAO Schwartz to assuage my guilt.
[she meets the ADOPTIVE PARENTS, who are CREEPY MINNESOTA CHRISTIANS]
Diane Keaton: You can't name her Fern!! Gross! I don't know how to delegate! I CAN have it all!!
Harold Ramis: Well, that doesn't include me.
Boss Man: And that doesn't include your promotion.
James Spader: Suckaaaaaa!
Diane Keaton: FINE! You can all SUCK IT. I'm moving to Vermont.
[she buys the MOST DILAPIDATED HOUSE in the WORLD and picks, like, A MILLION APPLES]
Plumber: You're going to have to fix everything in this house, and it's going to cost a lot of money that you don't have.
Diane Keaton: [high-pitched FREAKOUT that ends with her COLLAPSING in the snow]
Sam Shepard: Hey...you okay?
Diane Keaton: Gahhhhh! I can't live here! I haven't had sex in a long time! You're really hot! Gahhhhhhhh! Um...why is there a horse here?
Sam Shepard: I'm a veterinarian.
Diane Keaton: Gahhhhhhhhh!!!! I'm so embarrassed! I hate you! I have to get back to New York!
[she makes a LOT of APPLESAUCE to CALM her NERVES]
Yuppie Tourists: Oh. My. GOD. Gourmet baby food! This is amazing! We live in such luxury! Give us more! MORE LUXURY!!!
[the BABY FOOD is a HIT because YUPPIES are IDIOTS and will buy LITERALLY ANYTHING]
Diane Keaton: Yeah, bitches! I'm BACK! Shit, I got a flat tire.
Sam Shepard: Allow me to help you with that, and also to ravage you on the side of the road.
Diane Keaton: I needed that. Now I like you.
[they DANCE at a WHIMSICAL LOCAL GATHERING to the strains of the PLUMBER'S BAND]
Boss Man: We want to buy your company. Here's a ridiculous amount of money.
Diane Keaton: You know what? Thanks, but no thanks. My veterinarian boyfriend and my baby and my wacky, dilapidated house are enough for me now. I have learned a lesson: you CAN have it all, but only in Vermont.