Shattered Glass

Hayden Christensen: Hey there, class. I'm back here in my hometown to tell you all about being a bigshot journalist at a snooty magazine, though everyone watching this movie knows that I made a bunch of shit up, particularly if they DVR'd (DVR'ed? DVRed?) it when it was on IFC and read the info that says "Stephen Glass fabricates stories" by way of a synopsis, so why would I be addressing you in the first place? Let's not get into that, let's just tell the story.
Hank Azaria: Okay, writers. I'm your beloved editor. Whaddaya got?
Hayden Christensen: Here is a delightful anecdote about some research I did.
[he PRANCES about in a MEETING to show his WHIMSY and LIKABLE nature]
Melanie Lynskey and Chloe Sevigny: Oh, you. We enjoy your company so much.
Hayden Christensen: The weird part is, everyone thinks I'm gay! I was hanging out with this guy from the Post and he stuck his tongue down my throat!*
Melanie Lynskey: Uh...TMI. But thanks for remembering weird specifics about me for two years. That was flattering. Or something.
Hank Azaria: We've gotten some backlash on this article you wrote. Apparently there aren't minibars at this hotel.
Hayden Christensen: Are you mad at me? I'm going to be asking that a lot, so just have an answer ready, everyone.
[he COVERS his error but people are SUSPICIOUS and Hank Azaria ends up FIRED as an INDIRECT result]
Peter Sarsgaard: I'll be running things around here now.
The Staff: We hate you!!
Peter Sarsgaaaaard:
Well, this'll be fun.
[Hayden Christensen WRITES an article about some HACKER KID who got a bunch of MONEY from a SOFTWARE company]
Steve Zahn: Hmmmm...as a writer for Forbes Digital, I should have gotten this story. And as someone who is generally awesome, I should have been in this movie for more than five minutes.
Rosario Dawson: Can I get a byline, too? And a five-minute appearance?
[they RESEARCH the article and it is OBVIOUS that stuff is WRONG]
Peter Sarsgaaaaaaaaard: Can I have your sources' contact info?
Hayden Christensen: Are you mad at me? No, really, are you? I'm SO SORRY.
[he FUMBLES around to TRY to seem ENDEARING]
Hayden Christensen: Here's the number for the CEO of that company. He doesn't answer his phone much. I see absolutely nothing strange about that.
[they look at the WEBSITE of the supposed company and it is the most HILARIOUSLY BAD website ever]
Peter Sarsgaaaaaaaaaard: Don't you think it's odd that a large software company would use a members.aol.com website? I mean, this is 1998 and some people don't know about the internet, but COME ON.
[everything starts getting FISHIER and everyone BACKS Hayden Christensen because he is NICE]
Hayden Christensen: Okay, okay...I got duped! I'm sorry.
Peter Sarsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard: Hmmmm...I am still suspicious of you.
[they DRIVE to the place where he SUPPOSEDLY got the story and it is CLOSED on Sundays so you KNOW he's lying]
Hayden Christensen: I'm not lying! For reals!
[he SO is]
Peter Sarsgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard: You're fired!
Melanie Lynskey and Chloe Sevigny: Though we were friends with him, we agree and now are loyal to you instead of Hank Azaria. All hail the reign of Sarsgaard!
[the CLASSROOM in Chicago is ALL in Hayden Christensen's MIND while he is being DEPOSED about his FAKE STORIES]
The Real Stephen Glass:
Suckaaaaaaaaas!! Who got paid for his movie rights? Hahahaha!!

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