An American Rhapsody

[it is HUNGARY in the PAST]
Natassja Kinski: Though I was born in Germany, I can play a Hungarian. Check that out. Wait a second, Hungary is scary and dangerous. Let's bounce.
Family Friend Whose Relationship is Never Explained: I can help you, but you cannot bring the baby. The seriousness of this situation is underlined by the fact that this section of the film is shot in black and white.
Tony Goldwyn: I can also do a Hungarian accent. Let's go.
[they SNEAK AWAY with their OLDER daughter and plan to MEET the baby in VIENNA, but the plan FAILS and they have to go to AMERICA without the baby]
Natassja Kinski: Nooooooooooo!!! My baby!! Even though we are now being filmed in color, this is terrible!!
[the BABY is taken to the COUNTRY after the GRANDMA is sent to PRISON and lives an IDYLLIC life with her FOSTER parents while her REAL parents are in America, but SAD]
Natassja Kinski: I will write letters to every high-profile person I can think of to get my child back, with the help of my 1950s suburban housewife friends.
[the RED CROSS agrees to HELP her, and her HAIR looks FANTASTIC]
Natassja Kinski's Mom: I am now out of prison and here to take my granddaughter away for a visit.
Foster Dad: This red bike will be waiting for you when you come back.
Natassja Kinski's Mom: Yeahhhh..."come back." Sure.
[the BABY, who is now a LITTLE GIRL, flies on a plane ALONE to AMERICA and a man STEALS her BANANA]
Natassja Kinski: My baby!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Girl: [says things in Hungarian]
Anne "Egg" Veal: Ha ha, I can teach my baby sister swear words and she won't know what they mean because she doesn't speak English.
[she DOES, and Natassja Kinski's HAIR looks FANTASTIC]
Foster Parents: Shit, that grandma tricked us.
[YEARS later]
Scarlett Johansson: I am American, but I miss my real parents in Hungary. Allow me to demonstrate by acting out in a normal teenage way.
[she DRINKS and SMOKES and MAKES OUT, all while wearing SADDLE SHOES]
Natassja Kinski: This is inappropriate!
[she LITERALLY puts BARS on the window and a LOCK on the DOOR, but her HAIR is still FANTASTIC]
Emmy Rossum: Come out and hang with us and listen to the wireless while we hold it up to a fence to get better reception.
Scarlett Johansson: I'll be right th--HOLD ON. Did my mom put BARS on my window??? Nuh UH!
[she SHOOTS an actual RIFLE that was in her CLOSET for some reason at the DOOR just as her DAD gets home]
Scarlett Johansson: Dad, you promised I could go to Hungary when I got older!
Tony Goldwyn: I did. Okay, have fun.
Natassja Kinski: No! Don't leave me! I have abandonment issues, but no one knows why!
[Scarlett Johansson goes to HUNGARY anyway and visits her FOSTER parents and they are WONDERFUL]
Natassja Kinski's Mom: You know why your parents left Hungary, right? Because your grandfather got shot in front of us. That kind of thing doesn't happen in America. I guess.
Scarlett Johansson: Now I understand all of my mother's neuroses and love her. I can go home now.
[she DOES, and her sister ALEX MACK is there to greet her]