1.13.2008

WarGames


[it is the COLD WAR]
John Spencer: Hey, guy. Time for work in a missile silo, where all I do is await the orders to turn the launch key.
[the ORDERS come through but it is TOO INTENSE for him to turn the key]
Gruff General: Let's computerize everything! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that setup!!
[meanwhile, in a CITY with an EASILY RECOGNIZABLE SKYLINE]
Matthew Broderick: I'm so badass that I play video games all the time! I know the kids in the arcade! I'm late for class and make jokes about teachers! I fail tests!! Rock!!
Teacher: Go to the principal's office!
Ally Sheedy: Wow, he's a troublemaker. How cool and subversive. I would like to hang out with him.
[he goes to the OFFICE, but only to find out the PASSWORD to the school COMPUTER so he can go HOME and HACK in]
Matthew Broderick: I used to have an F, but now I have a C! I know things about
computers! My phone is a rotary phone! I use 5 1/4" floppy disks! TECHNOLOGY!
Ally Sheedy: Don't change my grade! I have morals!
Matthew Broderick: Whatevs, I'm going to hack into this computer company's servers via a very elaborate phone number dialing process and play some games.
[over at NORAD, things are WEIRD]
Gruff General: These dang computers are screwing everything up! What's this'n for?
Dabney Coleman: That one tests all the possible situations of game play. It's learning.
Gruff General: What are all them red and yellah lights for?
Dabney Coleman: Uh...ambience?
[the PHONE NUMBERS have returned some RESULTS, allowing Matthew Broderick to break into a BANK and PAN AM...virtually]
Matthew Broderick: Hmmm...this one is mysterious. I'll go check in with my friendly neighborhood tech nerds who, unlike actual tech nerds, are always perfectly happy to explain things to me patiently and respectfully.
Tech Nerd: Just learn about the programmer. All we programmers know that passwords should be incredibly easy to guess, so you don't forget them.
[Matthew Broderick FIGURES it OUT, like, SO EASILY and gets a GAME LIST that includes chess, checkers, and GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR]
Matthew Broderick: Hello computer. Can we play Global Thermonuclear War?
Computer, From Speakers: Let's play chess instead.
Matthew Broderick: Come onnnnnnnnnnn. It's not like it's REAL.
[it turns out to be REAL and he is ARRESTED]
Matthew Broderick: I'm not a spy!!! I need to talk to the programmer, since I just found out that he's not dead!
Dabney Coleman: Oh yes you are!!
Computer: I am still playing the game! Suckaaaaas!
[Matthew Broderick ESCAPES by HACKING the security code with a PAIR of SCISSORS and a TAPE RECORDER and gets on a TOUR BUS and then HITCHHIKES away]
Matthew Broderick: I have to find the programmer! I'll fly to his classified residence and get him to come help us stop this computer he named after his dead son.
Ally Sheedy: Can I come? Can we make out?
Matthew Broderick: Yes and YES.
[they FIND him but he is a RECLUSE and won't HELP because he is SAD]
Matthew Broderick: Let's go find a boat!
Ally Sheedy: This would be an opportune moment to make out, as I am scared of dying so young.
[they KISS, but are interrupted by a HELICOPTER with the BRIGHTEST LIGHT EVER that pursues them for like FIVE SOLID MINUTES]
Programmer Dude: Fine! I am have changed my mind for some reason! Let's stop the war!
[they go to NORAD and have to RUN to get behind the BIG DOORS]
Dabney Coleman: The world's endin'!!
Programmer Dude: It's a trick!
[they WAIT and make sure it IS by allowing the RUSSIAN BOMBS to hit TARGETS but it's all FAKE]
Everyone: Hooray!
Computer: But remember, I can still launch OUR bombs.
[it TRIES to but Matthew Broderick TEACHES it FUTILITY via TIC TAC TOE]
Computer: The only winning move is not to play.*
Everyone: The cold war is lame.

2 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

OH MY GOD I FORGOT HOW AMAZING THIS MOVIE IS

Russell said...

So awesome it even spawned a weekly writing phrase. :)