1.30.2008

Risky Business


[it is 80s SUBURBAN CHICAGO]
Tom Cruise: I'm anxious about life! I can't get laid even though all my ugly friends can! My dreams are hauntingly cliched!
That One Dude From Revenge of the Nerds: Let me interrupt you for a second. Can I just establish the character I will continue to play forever here, just for a minute? As your wisecracking, sex-crazed friend, my advice is: say "what the fuck" and go for it.
His Parents: Bye, son! Here's some money! Don't drive the Porsche! Don't let anything happen to the ugly, but extremely valuable glass egg on the mantel! We trust you not to do what literally every teenage character has ever done in a movie, ever!
[Tom Cruise's parents LEAVE TOWN, so he does what any NORMAL, RED-BLOODED teenage boy would do: DANCES surprisingly WELL in his UNDERPANTS to BOB SEGER and eats FROZEN TV DINNERS]
T.O.D.F.R.O.T.N.: That's not...really what I meant when I said "go for it."
[he calls a HOOKER and then EATS the phone number so Tom Cruise can't CALL her BACK and cancel, since apparently REDIAL didn't exist back then]
Black Tranny Hooker: Hey. Let me in.
Tom Cruise: Shit!
Black Tranny Hooker: Oh, you silly little white boy. Here's a hooker that white boys like.
[he TRIES to JERK OFF but then CAN'T so he CALLS the white boy HOOKER]
Rebecca DeMornay: You ready for me?*
[they BONE and it is MERCENARY]
Rebecca DeMornay: You owe me $300.
Tom Cruise: Uh...let me go to the bank. I'll leave you here, in my house full of rich suburban items, unknown woman.
[he GOES and she steals the ugly, but extremely valuable GLASS EGG]
Tom Cruise: Shit!
[they go to the DRAKE, because hookers HANG OUT there]
Rebecca DeMornay: Can I get a ride?
Joe Pantoliano: Don't you run away from me! I am a consummate character actor! I am Italian! You do NOT fuck with me!!
Tom Cruise: Shit!
[they are CHASED by her PIMP, Joey Pants, but the PORSCHE is not damaged]
T.O.D.F.R.O.T.N.: I have a trig exam tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the Killer Pimp.*
[they go back to his HOUSE and BONE again but this time it's FREE]
Rebecca DeMornay: Okay, look. We both have predicaments. Surely we can devise a plan that solves both of our problems, and make us some cash.
Tom Cruise: Are you proposing a harebrained scheme? I don't much go in for those.
[they go get HIGH and eat ICE CREAM]
Tom Cruise: I know you're a hooker, but I see the person inside you...what you might call your "heart of gold," to coin a phrase. Let's walk on this dock and talk about real life.
Rebecca DeMornay: You're bumming me out. Later, dude.
[the PORSCHE rolls down the DOCK and for like ONE SECOND you think it's going to be okay but then OF COURSE the dock FALLS and the Porsche is IN THE LAKE]
Tom Cruise: Shit. Harebrained scheme it is!!
[there is a MONTAGE of Tom Cruise going to TEEN HANGOUTS and ROUNDING UP many RICH TEENS who want HOOKERS]
Tom Cruise: In these Ray-Bans, I can sell anything!
Cousin Balky: Welcome, hookers! Come on in! There are many stupid, but rich teens here.
Princeton Interviewer: This looks like quite the party! But I'm just here to interview you for Princeton and talk about your SAT scores. I'll just ignore all the extremely beautiful women and awkward teens.
Tom Cruise: Hey, man...what the fuck.
[the INTERVIEWER gets a HOOKER, so you KNOW he's COOL]
Rebecca DeMornay: Let's go fuck on a train.
[they get on the EL to the strains of PHIL COLLINS, MASTER of ROMANCE]
Tom Cruise: Having sex on the El is hot, but not very sanitary.
[he goes HOME, only to find that ALL HIS SHIT has been STOLEN]
Tom Cruise: Shit!
Joe Pantoliano: Suckaaaaaa!
[he SELLS Tom Cruise back ALL his SHIT, which he then REPLACES just in time for his PARENTS to get HOME]
His Mom: My egg! My ugly, but extremely valuable glass egg! It's cracked! You're so irresponsible! If I'd known that leaving you alone would end with a cracked egg....
His Dad: Son, I'm going to phrase this in the most vague way possible: don't you have something to tell me?
Tom Cruise: Uh...no.
His Dad: The Princeton interviewer loved you! Who'd you have to fuck to get THAT admission?
Tom Cruise: Well, funny you should put it that way...
[he has BRUNCH with Rebecca DeMornay as though they are BUSINESS ASSOCIATES]
Tom Cruise: It's 1983, so I'm going to have half a grapefruit. What about you?
Rebecca DeMornay: That's not 80's enough for me. I'll go with half a cantaloupe.
Tom Cruise: We should hang out more, and make jokes about how when we met, I bought you. That was hilarious, and so capitalist pig of me.
Rebecca DeMornay: I have no need for prostitution anymore, now that I met you. All my issues about my stepfather are miraculously solved. You are the new Jesus, Tom Cruise.
[they WALK MERRILY in a PARK and presumably open a SUCCESSFUL BROTHEL in PRINCETON]
Tom Cruise: I'm not gay!

4 comments:

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ew, did they seriously go to brunch and just order half a grapefruit and half a cantaloupe?? Of all of the potentially-offensive things in this movie, that is the thing that outraged me the most.

Movie Maven said...

I don't know if that comprised their entire brunch, as the scene started in medias res, but there were definitely the remnants of those two 80's breakfast spheres.

John A said...

Woah. Nothing gets me hotter than correctly used Latin and/or French cinematic / literary terms.

If you manage to work mise en scène into one of these, you will have had me at hello.

John A said...

...you will have had me at hello...

Is that the future perfect tense? I'm going to make a commitment to use that more often in my daily life.