The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

[it is SEATTLE. You can tell because of the RAIN]
Some Guy: I'm really hot and walking in the rain, in an alley, in the dark. Always a good plan.
[he gets CHASED and BIT by VAMPIRES]
Some Guy: Owwwww! This will not be the last time you see me in this movie!!!
KStew: I read poetry because it makes me sound super deep. Check it: "Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire--"
Robert Frost: Fuck you, stop reading my poem in that monotone.
RPattz: Well, I thought it was good.
[they STARE at each other, BLURRILY, so you know it's ROMANTIC]
RPattz: Marry me.
KStew: Make me a vampire.
RPattz: How many times are we going to have this conversation?
KStew: Um...a lot, I think. We've already had it like 5 times. And each time I somehow look less interested in you.
[MEANWHILE, in Mustacheville]
Sheriff Swan: Bella, you're my daughter, but I grounded you because I am totally Team Jacob. You should probably be hanging out with him more.
KStew: GOD DAD I TOLD YOU I LOVE EDWARD GODDDDD also Jacob won't call me back so I just stare at his poorly-written letter all day. Let's just go to school.
Anna Kendrick: I was nominated for an Oscar, for God's sake. Ugh, whatever.
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: I'm going to throw a graduation party! I can already tell it's gonna be amazing. Because I'm psychic. Also I can see something else, something LOOMING, as you can tell by my "worried" face.
Some Guy, Now Revealed to Be Riley: Mmmmm...human scent.
RPattz: Uh, so maybe you should skip town for a second, Bella? For no real reason other than you like seeing your mom, and you might not get to see her EVER AGAIN IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
KStew: K.
[they sit in the SUN except Edward SPARKLES in the sun, so he just CHILLS in the KITCHEN]
Bella's Mom: I made you a quilt of memories! Literally! Well, almost literally! It's just tshirts.
[they HUG in a really AWKWARD way]
KStew: Thanks, Mom. This will be great for when I'm a vampire and don't need to sleep. I mean...thanks.
[back in FORKS, the RAINIEST PLACE that ever got RAINED on]
Cullens: It's Victoria, the bad vampire! Hey, Victoria, you look different somehow.
Bryce Dallas Howard: No I don't! Don't you see my red hair? It's obviously still me.
Cullens: Okay! Let's fight!
[they DO, and a WEREWOLF also helps, and there is ANIMOSITY, and she ESCAPES]
KStew: That vacation was nice! I'm glad I got to see my mom before I become undead. Well, back to school.
Taylor "Baby Mustache" Lautner: Hey. I'm wearing a shirt, but I promise, it's me.
KStew: What are you doing here? Why won't you return my calls? How can you have that many abs?
Taylor "Pipes" Lautner: Well, I just thought you should know that the vampire who wanted to kill you is back. Also good to know? I have a motorcycle.
KStew: Let's ride on it.
RPattz: Ummmm it's literally the beginning of the school day, what are you doing?
[they DRIVE OFF, though they were AT SCHOOL and her dad is the fucking SHERIFF]
KStew: Why you be frontin'?
Taylor "Babysmooth" Lautner: Well, it's kind of complicated, and might involve a made-up thing that we werewolves have called "imprinting." It means two people are M.F.E.O., in the words of that girl in Sleepless in Seattle.
KStew: Huh. Okay. I hope that doesn't come back later in this book series and get super weird.
Taylor "I'd Hit It" Lautner: Don't worry, it won't. PSYCH!! It totally will. But anyways, what I wanted to tell you was that the orange-haired vampire is still totes trying to kill you.
KStew: She's really bad at killing me. It took her a whole movie and a casting change so far. Jeez.
Taylor "Tribal Tat" Lautner: I know, right? Plus there's some new vampire around who wants to kill you too. Everyone wants you, Bella. Especially me. In a sexual way. But it's cool, we got this covered.
[they establish a PROTECTION SCHEDULE so Bella doesn't DIE]
RPattz: Why do I have to drop you off with that...thing?
Taylor "Finally Shirtless" Lautner: No bigs, guys, just toolin' around town with no shirt on. DEAL WITH IT.
[they go to a COUNCIL MEETING, which does not sound like a FUN DATE]
KStew: Ummmmm you do know I'm white, right? If I knew I was coming to some sort of council meeting, I'd have stopped by the Trite Native American Stereotype Store and picked up a peace pipe.
Taylor "GNC Frequent Buyer's Club" Lautner: No worries, the tribe will accept you for no reason that's been established. Now let's listen to some legends that might inspire your later actions!
[they hear a STORY about a WIFE who CUT herself to distract a VAMPIRE one time]
KStew: Wow. I'm inspired. Can't you see it on my face?
Anyone: No.
Taylor "Lopsided But Still Extremely Attractive Pecs" Lautner: I can see it. And I love you. And now I will kiss you!!
[she CLOCKS him in the FACE and breaks her HAND]
KStew: Go away! I don't want to be your friend anymore!! I just want to be a Mormon, I mean vampire!!!
Rosalie, the Pretty Vampire: Ugh! You're so dumb! Why do you want to be a vampire? All we get are amber contacts, a thirst for blood, and terrible wigs.
KStew: Because I love Edward, duh.
Rosalie: Well, I loved some man once and he and his friends gang-raped me to death, so. Deal with that.
KStew: Whoa, heavy.
Jasper, the Possibly-Southern Vampire: Yeah, and I got used by a sexy lady vampire to train newborns in her vampire army. Let's watch a flashback about it. My wig was just as bad back then.
KStew: Hold on! I just now realized that these mysterious stranger vampires and Victoria are RELATED. And I'm the first one to realize it! Which means...I'm the smartest person in this movie! Yessssssss.
Mr. Kelly Taylor, the Dad Vampire: Well, perhaps we can broker a truce with the wolves to help us fight this encroaching army.
Taylor "Jorts" Lautner: On one condition: will we, at any time, be required to wear shirts?
Mr. Kelly Taylor: You are no more required to wear shirts than we are to wear wigs that look like actual hair, so: no.
Taylor "18 Years Old as of 2/11/2010" Lautner: We're in.
[they TRAIN for the FIGHT and it is JUST KIND OF COOL]
Alice, the Psychic Vampire: Wait!! What about my graduation party!?
KStew: Is that tonight? I thought we were painting a house, so I wore this raggedy old shirt. But this looks like a party.
Taylor "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Chest Hair" Lautner: Yeah. And we showed up. Even though we're in a fight now or whatever. But I'm over it. But I'm not. So much conflict.
[he STARES at something to show his CONFLICT]
Taylor "Skin the Color Mocha/Livin' La Vida Loca" Lautner: But I did bring you a present. It's a charm in the shape of a wolf. I made it myself, which is why it's so shitty-looking.
KStew: You made it? I would have sworn it was from the Trite Native American Stereotype Store.
RPattz: Okay, enough chatter. So we'll hide in the mountains while the fight is happening and everything will be okay. Let's go to the literal top of a mountain where it is fucking SNOWING and not bring enough blankets.
KStew: But...I'm cold. See? I'm shivering. It's my one acting technique.
Taylor "Share My Sleeping Bag" Lautner: I'll warm her up. I'm hotter than you.*
Team Jacob: OH SNAP Y'ALL
RPattz: Perhaps we can take this moment to come to an understanding, dog. She picked me.
Taylor "Body Heat" Lautner: But she could still pick me. I'm better for her. And her feelings apparently don't matter. We'll just sort it out between us men.
RPattz: Well, she agreed to marry me already, so...YA BURNT.
Taylor "Low Rise Cargo Shorts" Lautner: AAAARGH THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FIGHT SOMEONE!!! Good thing there is an army of vampires down there!
KStew: No! I will keep you here with kissing!!
[they MAKE OUT with her PSYCHIC BOYFRIEND, like, FEET away]
Taylor "Honey Dip Can I Get a Scoop" Lautner: I have to go. I have to fight the vampires. Also I need to hide my huge boner. But mostly to fight the vampires.
[there is a HUGE FIGHT and it is PRETTY RAD ACTUALLY]
Dakota Fanning: Oh. Hello. I brought my Steampunk Justin Bieber Vampire Squad here to remind you that we're in charge. You know, the Italian vampires with the council? You remember us.
The Gayest-Looking Steampunk Vampire, Which is Pretty Impressive Really: I've got pretty feet!
Cullens: That's great and all, but that orange-haired vampire is still trying to kill our human friend.
RPattz: No, I defeated her. It pretty much played out exactly how you thought it would.
KStew: I cut myself like the lady in that story from before!! Yayyyyy
Taylor "Still Hot When Injured" Lautner: Well, I broke every bone in my body, so BEAT THAT.
KStew: Oh. Sorry. And I'm still marrying the vampire. Because I want to bone him. And we can't until after we're married. Because fornication is a sin or whatever.
Stephenie Meyer: Still Mormon! Woooooo!


raych said...

Watching KStew emote makes me viscerally angry (in my viscera) so I haven't been able to watch any of the movies after the first one, despite the potential for lulz. Thanks for straining out the amusements.

Mellerson said...

This entry was awesome. I almost laughed out loud at work! Even though KStew and RPatz have the emotional range of oh... Keanu, I keep watching for the Lautner-abs.

Girl Genius said...

I haven't read the books - seen the movies -- or even read a review. Still, I am Team Jacob all the way, because he is 18 now, and I know the storyline because of your fantastic synopsis. Thank you!

Movie Maven said...

raych - she was not as rage-inducing in this one, I thought. Still pretty viscerally angering, though.

Mellerson - I'm just disappointed you didn't ACTUALLY laugh out loud at work! :)

GG - TEAM JACOB YES!! And I think "storyline" here is used loosely.

Ilana said...

I love you for writing almost as much as I love Taylor Lauter for giving you something amazing(/hilarious) to write about. And Jorts...for existing.