[it is NEW YORK]
Waldo Lydecker: I remember that hot, hot day when Laura died...so hot, in fact, that when I received the officer investigating her murder, I was in the bathtub.
Dana Andrews: Hello. I am surprisingly attractive in these high-waisted 40s pants. So what's the deal with you and Laura? Were you in love with her? And why are you so ornery?
Waldo Lydecker: Why, I'm not mean. I should be sincerely sorry to see my neighbor's children devoured by wolves.*
[they go to Laura's AUNT'S house, where she is ENTERTAINING Laura's FIANCEE, whom she wants to GET WITH]
Vincent Price: Well, hey there, lieutenant. Did anyone realize I was so tall? No? That's okay.
Dana Andrews: Were YOU in love with her? Are you in love with this aunt? Who's in love with who here?
[they go to Laura's APARTMENT and GAZE at her PORTRAIT]
Dana Andrews: Looks like she's the kind of dame who hangs a portrait of herself over her own mantle.
Waldo Lydecker: Never EVER call her a dame!!!
[they HANG OUT and have a FLASHBACK]
Earlier Laura: Will you endorse this pen? I'd be SO AWESOME at the advertising firm I work at, though I am only 17.
Earlier Waldo: I don't use pens. I use a quill pen dipped in venom.*
[for SOME REASON, probably having to do with Laura's VERVE and WARMTH, he APOLOGIZES and her career TAKES OFF]
Waldo: I remember we had so much fun together, though I am old and sad, and she was young and vibrant.
[they are shown doing VIBRANT THINGS, including Laura eating LETTUCE, SEXILY]
Waldo: But then she met some men who were a more appropriate age for her and I had to stop that.
Earlier Laura: I'm going to marry Vincent Price.
Earlier Waldo: Noooooooooo! He's in love with that model! Don't do it!
[he PROVES that Vincent Price is a CAD]
Earlier Laura: I'm going to the country to think! Don't follow me!
Waldo: And then she got murdered.
Dana Andrews: Hmmm...I better go to her apartment and gaze at her portrait creepily some more. Then maybe I will not fall in love with her.
[he DRINKS in her apartment in an UNPROFESSIONAL manner]
Laura: Hey! What are you doing here! And why are you so very attractive?
Dana Andrews: Hey! You're supposed to be dead!
Laura: Uh...what? I've been in the country, completely cut off from everyone and everything. Totally.
[they invite the MAID into the KITCHEN and she FUCKING FREAKS OUT]
Maid: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! You're ALIVE!!!!
Laura: Yeah. Can you make us some eggs?*
[he tells Laura NOT to leave but she DOES and meets Vincent Price]
Vincent Price: I'm not hiding evidence! I'm innocent! For reals! This isn't even my shotgun!
Dana Andrews: Hmmmmmm...I am unconvinced. Also, Laura is fascinating.
[they invite EVERYONE over and have a LAURA'S NOT DEAD party to try and FERRET OUT the KILLER of the girl everyone thought was LAURA]
Dana Andrews: Okay, Laura...come to the station.
[he shines the BRIGHTEST LIGHTS IN THE WORLD on her face to INTERROGATE her and see how BEAUTIFUL she is]
Dana Andrews: I guess you're not the killer.
[they GAZE at each other A LOT]
Laura: No, I'm not.
Dana Andrews: I guess it was that crazy old man, then. The old "if I can't have you, no one can" deal. Sigh.
[they go BACK to Laura's and FIND the MURDER WEAPON in a CLOCK]
Waldo Lydecker: If I can't have her, no one can!
[he TRIES to shoot her, but is STOPPED by the POLICE]
Dana Andrews: Great. Now I can love you...my dream woman. Wait, ARE you a dream? Nooooooo!